This morning, most people were opening presents under their trees with their close family and people they love. Just count yourself lucky and know that some people aren't as fortunate as you. Some people didn't have presents. Some didn't have family. Some didn't have both. I didn't ask for anything for Christmas this year. I didn't want anything, I just wanted to be close to my family. I just wanted a hug from my dad, who has basically gone MIA. He refuses to see me or my family. He says he hates my mother. I just wanted a hug. That's all I wanted. I wanted to bury my head against his chest and smell his sweater and just feel safe and know that everything was okay. But no. I had to play the parent today. I had to give everyone else all the fancy presents. I had to work overtime to provide for my family and pay the bills. I had to drive my family to visit relatives. I had to do all of that and it's just not fair. I'm 16. Why can't I just play the role of a teenage daughter. Why can't I have controlling, bossy, unfair parents who watch my every move and make my life miserable. Why can't I have parents. Who are married. Who love each other. Why can't I have a family. I just want a family. A functional one, not a dysfunctional one.

I have always gotten what I wanted for Christmas. But this year, all I got was a broken heart.

I miss you dad. I just wish you would come home.

I love you.

It's not pathetic that I cried myself to sleep for two months after you left. It's not pathetic that I went and threw that stupid necklace in the pond, or went to church every week and prayed to God to just make the pain go away. It's not even pathetic that I blocked you on Facebook after I gave you a second chance. No, what's pathetic is that after all of that, I'm still completely, irrevocably in love with you. And nothing will ever take that way. My heart skipped when you added me on snapchat. I literally stopped breathing when I got your Facebook friend request. I just wish you were my baby. I here my friends gossiping about you, and how "all you want is a girlfriend to love you". That could be me. I will love you until the end of time, regardless of where we end up in life, regardless of how much you don't even care about me. I will always be here waiting for you. For the day you change your mind. I will give you 3rd and 4th chances because you were my everything, and you deserve it. Until then, I will accept the fact that you don't want me anymore, and continue to live my life with one important piece missing: you.

I'm feeling kinda numb. My life's sorta falling apart again. My ex is in some hospital in another state on suicide watch. My parents found out about all the abuse. And my boyfriend is acting super weird. I just failed a math test. I have two more tests today. I can't feel my arms. I feel so nauseous and scared. It's hard to see the future. I guess I'll just take it one day at a time and keep smiling. I have no more tears left to cry.

My ex boyfriend was just admitted to the psych ward. Again. No words can describe this shock I'm in. He needed me. And I wasn't there for him. He just needs someone to be there for him and I'm so selfish that I just... Pushed him out of my life. I'm just. I can't believe I let this happen. I should have known. I should have seen the pain in his eyes. He's my ex, but we used to be best friends. I know him better than anyone in this world. It's my job to take care of him, my job to make sure he's okay. And I let him down. I let him fall.

What did I do.

People always come to me for help. People always come to me with their problems, and say, "Help me. Understand me." Maybe, I'd like to be understood for once. Maybe I'd like for someone just to listen. Just for ten minutes. Maybe then you can hear the quiet screams emulating from my sparkling laugh. Maybe you'll catch a glimpse of the guilt and hurt and hatred in my eyes. And maybe, just for one second, you'll realize that I'm not okay.

My heart is broken. It's shattered into a million little tiny pieces. Everything hurts. It's as if I cannot do anything right. I upset my mom. I upset my dad. I cannot make either one happy. Now I sit here in this car listening to my mother sob. If only they knew. He wouldn't even be here. Everything would be different. He would be in jail. We would just live with mom now. Instead I sit here and cry silently because she can't know. So I just suffer alone. Silently. Just letting my heart break. This time I don't even care. Let it fall to pieces. Maybe this time when I put it back together, it will be even stronger. Maybe next time I won't cry like I'm crying now. Maybe next time I won't feel the pain or suffer. I'll just be a stone. I won't feel anything at all.

Now I have to go home and study chemistry. Which I don't even know how that's gonna work. And I have to decide what to wear tomorrow. I'm thinking jeans and my boots obviously. I want to look nice, so some sweater of sorts.

"You said you wanted to live with me. Stick to your guns and don't let dad bully you."

If you only knew, mom. If you only knew.

Tomorrow would have been our one year anniversary. My mind keeps flashing back to that cold November night, when you swept me off my feet. Sitting in the Biggby window... "I want to kiss you," you said. And you did. And that was the night that I fell in love with you.

I was so scared at first to love you. I remembered what he did to me, so I pretended that I didn't love you. But I soon realized how impossible that was. I realized how much I needed you to be in my life.

I remember going home and crying my eyes out, because I felt like a princess. I felt that my dreams had come true, that you were my Prince Charming, and everything was going to be okay.

I am just so thankful for all the time that we had together. I kept all the things that you ever gave me. They sit in my room to this day. I couldn't get rid of any of it. I have zero bitter feelings towards you. Just happy memories.

I hope that sometimes you will think of me. I'm sorry we didn't work out. I know that you wanted us to be together so bad. But as we grew older, we grew apart. And we were better off letting it all go and walking away, rather than hurting ourselves trying to fix the relationship. I've always loved you, and I always will. But I love you enough to let you go.

It's hard to live in a world
Where no one can know.
No one can hear
Your silent screams.

No one knows.
No one can ever know.
Not while he's here.
Not while he's alive.
Not while my mother or brother is alive.
So I live in silence
In constant fear
That he's coming for me.

He haunts my dreams.
I hope I haunt his for the rest of his life, too.

How can you be so stupid, so naive? It's like you have selective vision, selective hearing. You only see what you want to, only hear the words that make you the happiest. Meanwhile, the world is looking at you with confused eyes. Don't you see? Do you see him kissing all the other girls? Can you see that he is just not interested, not good for you? He is the bad boy. Leather jacket, with studs and tattoos. That's not you. That's not someone you date. It's someone you admire from afar, but never touch.

Have a little self confidence. You don't need someone to tell you you're beautiful every single day. You don't need that. You're so much better than that. You don't need an eating disorder, or medication, or a diagnosis. So pick yourself up. You just look weak. Look at me. I'm suffering. I deserve to be this upset, this sad. You have everything you could ever ask for you don't need to worry about bills or your family's well being. So grow up. Toughen up, buttercup. Your life isn't as bad as you make it out to be.

How in the world do you get used to a new house?

It's like living in a strangers house. It IS living in a strangers house. It's not mine. I don't belong there. Not yet. None of my clothes are there. It's not personalized. I don't have my own space. I am afraid of the germs there. It's just not right. I literally have to force myself to sleep there.

And I'm also kind of scared, because what if my mom loses her home? Then I might have to switch schools. Then what would I call home?

It's a whole bunch of what-ifs. I'm so scared. My anxiety spirals every time I I think about it. It's so terrifying. It makes me just want to cry. And cry. And cry.

I have to learn to focus on the constants. My dog is a constant. My family is a constant.

I'm starting yet another chapter in my life. And I'm terrified. Everything is changing so fast all at once.

I no longer have a best friend. I guess you could say my boyfriend is my best friend... but I don't have a best girlfriend. My former best friend has gone off the deep end. I don't like who she is anymore. I don't want to associate myself with her. I don't want anything to do with her. She's a partier. She cheats on her boyfriend. She's so insecure and gets upset over the tiniest insults. She cries whenever she's around me because I'm thinner than she is. So I'm done. I've stepped back and looked at all the signs, and realized they were all pointing in one direction: let her go. As scary as this is for me, I will hold my head high, and know that another best friend will soon come along.

I have cut off all communication with my ex boyfriend.

What I'm scared of right now is my emotion. I'm shoving it all onto a back burner. I don't allow myself to cry. I shove the sadness and anger aside and fake a smile. I feel like it's going to come back and bite me eventually. I can't even talk about my ex. It brings me to tears because I miss what we had so much. He was also my best friend. The two of them together... it was like the perfect support team.


I thought friends were supposed to be forever. But I guess things change. People change. Relationships will break and they will form. The world's going to keep spinning, and it's going to drag you with it, whether you want to go along or not.

I'm just really scared right now, with my therapist leaving and all. What's going to happen to me? So much change, and no one to go to. I don't want to dump this all on my boyfriend. That's just not fair. So i have to find someone new to trust. A new therapist. And I'm so scared. I don't want to have to explain everything to someone all over again. I just want them to  know me better than I know myself. that's what my current therapist does for me.

My dad's gone. Just completely gone out of my life, whether he likes it or not. I just don't have time for a family right now. I have to take care of myself, my room, and the yard so neighbors don't get suspicious. I have to keep the house somewhat clean, and keep food on the table for mom and me. Take Tia on walks, socialize with other dogs. All while balancing school and work. And my boyfriend. It's just too much right now. I'm under so much stress, I feel I could crack at any moment.

I can't crack. Not now. I don't have time to put myself back together.

Someday, I will get out of this place. I will leave this place, and start my own life. Make my own decisions. Control my own destiny. And this horror story that I live in will all be a shadow of the past. Everything will be beautiful.

Until then, I will keep fighting.

I can't shake this thought in the back of my mind that something's wrong, that he doesn't actually wanna be with me. And it's terrifying, because I'm falling in love with him, and I'm not ready to let him go yet. I keep reminding myself that it's only high school, and this stuff is supposed to happen. But I'm just scared. I love him.

I feel myself slipping.

That sadness that once engulfed me is back. That emptiness. The feeling of worthlessness. That I don't matter. That no one understands.

The class principle here is terrible. I don't understand how such a cold hearted man could be hired for this place. I'm hurting, and all he can say is, "What are you doing?" Like, really? That's all you got. I'm depressed. I'm suicidal. I don't want to be here. I feel like how I felt with Noah. And this is what I get. This is the support I get.

Laurie is going away. I'm so scared what my life will be without her.

I'm dragging him down. I don't want him to stoop this low. I feel like I should break up with him so that he doesn't get dragged down with me. I don't want him to come to this place, so low that I cannot seem to breathe.

I'm so dizzy from the fall. I'm crying silently, tear after tear dropping onto my chest. And no one even cares. No one notices. I could hang myself in this room and no one would see me.

I don't want to go back to that place Si dark, there is no light. I don't want to hurt. I made his day even worse.

I hate you. I fucking hate you. I hate everyone. I just want everyone to leave me the fuck alone. I don't care about anything. The sound of someone else's voice is making me cringe.

It's that monster inside me. It's eating me alive. It's trying to kill me. It's pushing everyone I love any. It's breaking all my friendships, leaving me secluded in a black, dark room. I just want it all to go away. I just want to fall asleep and never, ever wake up. I hate this life. I hate it. I hate this pain, and this hurt. I hate this fog that I'm in where I can't feel my arms, I can't formulate sentences with my mouth. I have no reason to be so sad. I keep reading his words over and over, trying to figure out what I did wrong. I'm just trying to find the right way to go right now, but no matter which way I turn, it's the wrong way. It's like I don't even know who I am anymore. And it fucking sucks.


My body's going numb. I want to die. I think I'm going crazy. It's like right before I went total freak mode. I don't even know what to do at this point. My dad is coming home. I made him come home from Steve. That's what a terrible daughter I am. So manipulative, so selfish. I don't even fucking care about anyone else.

My arms. They're so heavy, and they hurt. My head hurts. I'm so tired, but I can't sleep. I feel like I'm trapped.

Your life is so perfect, so shut the fuck up.

Hey. So this is basically a huge blog about me procrastinating chemistry. Nothing much is new. This is the majority of my life right now:

1) I have a boyfriend that I love very much
2) I'm super hormonal and emotional and it's pissing me off (oh look, hormones making me pissed off..)
3) I have DBT group now every Wednesday, and let me tell you, the majority of these kids are dumb as FUCK. And I mean. Stupid. They're issues are so small in comparison with mine... I mean, damn. This one girl was like, "My life is so hard, my parents make me do my homework." Like, really? Be lucky you HAVE parents that take care of you. My parents stopped caring awhile ago, and let me tell you, it fucking SUCKS to have to grow up when you're like 15. It SUCKS to have to take care of your little brother and worry about mortgage payments and take care of your depressed mother and act as a therapist for your father. Never mind the weight I carry everyday, with the neglect and sexual abuse I went through when I was 4. Never mind the fact that no one can ever find out about the man who almost raped me, and I still have to have civil conversations to his face every single day of my life. Like what the fuck. Your life is so perfect compared to mine. So just shut the fuck up. I don't care about your "ugly arms" or "you're so fat because you weigh 110 lbs". Like no. Just no. Just shut up.
4) There are certain very annoying people in my life that won't just leave me the fuck alone.
5) Andddd now I should probably go study for chemistry.



It just occurred to me that I'm like really angry over DBT.

Oh well.

Time to hit the books.

With each passing day, I realize how terrible you were for me. I realize what an awful person you are. Everyday I see you in the hallway... your face just depresses me. Your smile is all wrong, it looks deformed on your face, when your eyes are screaming in pain. You always look like your life is just so terrible. You drag my mood down every time I see you. You have the dryest sense of humor ever. I just feel like you're so spoiled, and you see nothing positive in life anymore. I can honestly say I don't miss you at all, and I'm glad I've moved on. I wouldn't want to redate a loser like you.

Just try to be happy for once. Your life is not as bad as you make it to be. Other people have it way worse than you. If you're honestly THAT sad, go see a therapist, like I've been telling you to do for years and years. You need help. You're seriously messed up in the head, and you don't have the balls to admit that to yourself. If you're depressed, get some antidepressants. Paste a real smile on your face and keep it there. People don't want to pity you and your pathetic self.

Get some confidence while you're at it. It's not sexy to hear a boy bash himself repeatedly. Just like it's not nice to hear a girl complain about how fat she is, I really don't fucking care how short you are, or how having so much muscle is just so hard. Yes, I know. Your life is obviously just so fucking hard. 

It's not like your mother is dying. It's not like you were ever abused. It's not like your parents are divorced. It's not like you need a job to support your own family and put food on the table for your entire family at age SIXTEEN. It's not like you have to be a therapist for everyone you know. It's not like you cut your wrists just so you can feel someone and know that you're alive. It's not like you've ever tried to hang yourself and ended up in the hospital. 

So just cut it out. TRY to be happy, you dumb fuck. If I can be happy living the shitty life that I do, you can too.

I honestly didn't know it was possible to be this happy. I don't really feel manic, nor do I feel depressed. I feel like I'm the king the of the world. There are things in my life right now that aren't perfect, but I'm learning to just let them go and make the best of everything.

Maybe I'm just in love. Everything is brighter. Everything seems okay. I can breathe and know that I'm gonna e alright. I look forwards to each day. I'm excited for everything, I have a new love for life that I've never had before. I feel no hatred towards anyone. My heart is just pure and overflowing with happiness and love.

That dark slippery hole that once dragged me down and suffocated me seems so distant

I'm falling for you, so hard, so quickly. I'm giddy just thinking about you. For the first time in forever, I'm not afraid. You seem so perfect for me. I seem so perfect for you. You're the reason I get out of bed in the morning, the reason I sleep so deeply at night. You're the reason I want to stay awake, and feel alive... I feel so alive. That's something I haven't been able to say in so long. I'm honestly happy. My battle with my depression seems so small now. I feel like I have it under control.

You take my breath away... you're eyes are so perfect. The way you look at me, the way you smile at me... I could just look into your beautiful eyes forever. You make me melt. You make my heart skip beats. You're just amazing.

I'm falling for you, so hard, so quickly. I'm giddy just thinking about you. For the first time in forever, I'm not afraid. You seem so perfect for me. I seem so perfect for you. You're the reason I get out of bed in the morning, the reason I sleep so deeply at night. You're the reason I want to stay awake, and feel alive... I feel so alive. That's something I haven't been able to say in so long. I'm honestly happy. My battle with my depression seems so small now. I feel like I have it under control.

You take my breath away... you're eyes are so perfect. The way you look at me, the way you smile at me... I could just look into your beautiful eyes forever. You make me melt. You make my heart skip beats.

He's so perfect...

 It's amazing to be able to love again. I don't think I love him yet. I don't know much about him. But this is what makes it so perfect. I feel free, and light, and on top of the world. The sun shines brighter, I actually have a reason to drag myself out of bed in the morning. I jump out of bed ready to start my day, ready to see him and his bright, smiling blue eyes. He is the best part of my day. I just want to stay in his arms forever. <3

"Everyone says love hurts, but that's not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again."

I found someone new. <3 Two things are going through my head; 1) Heart, prepare to be shattered, 2) MAN does it feel good to start over.

He is perfect in every way imaginable. He accepts me for me. I can be myself. I don't have to freeze up. I don't have to be someone I'm not. I don't have to hide anything, because he's there for me, and he just understands. He tries to protect me from everything. And he's just such a sweetie. His eyes are the prettiest eyes I have ever seen. They are light blue. They light up when he smiles, and soften when he's gazing at me. His fingers fit perfectly between mine, which is a first for me. All of my past boyfriends' hands are too big, or beat up. But his hands are perfect for mine. His hands are viola hands; long and thin, stern, and warm... just like mine. There is no awkward hand holding. There is no awkwardness. Just thinking about him makes me smile like an idiot.

I asked him to homecoming because I was getting scared that he was not going to. But when I asked him about it, he said that he was actually going to anyways. He's so sweet and innocent. He was trying to apologize for not knowing how to dance... and I was like, don't worry, I really don't either. I can also wear super tall heels and still be shorter than him, which is nice. I love the way I can rest my head in the crook of his shoulder, like I belong there. And his lips... his lips are so soft. He's a gentle kisser. He's a gentleman in every way imaginable. He's just... he's perfect. And I'm falling for him, faster than I ever could imagine. And I'm not scared. For once in my life I'm not scared, because I know he's going to catch me. And I'm not afraid to fall in love with him.

The way he looks at me takes my breath away. I hope we can last for a while. <3

I'm losing my best friend. My meds don't work anymore. My life is just slowly collapsing before my eyes. Again. I'm so tired of breaking down like this. I don't want to be like this anymore.

I'm so tired of trying. I so tired of plastering a smile on my face every morning and making my voice ring with a fake laugh. My face literally hurts from forcing a smile everyday. I try so hard to pretend that I'm okay, that I'm happy, that everything is okay. But in reality, it just makes me feel even more alone, because no one can see through my mask. Instead, they catch my contagious smile and laugh along with me. It's like I'm just too convincing. If only people could actually see ME. No one knows me. No one understands me. No one understands that "Sarah" is just an act. Just someone they think they know.

It's so hard to pull myself back up after I collapse. I come home from school, and I let go. But even then, I won't let myself cry. I will not let myself just crumble. I just kind of disintegrate into a numb stupor. I know that if I let go, I'll probably never come back. I'll probably be deemed "psychotic" and locked away in a white padded room for the rest of my life. No one knows how sick minded I am, no one knows how I manipulate everyone around me. I plot against people. I plant ideas in people's heads to get my way. They think it was their idea. Know where I learned that from? Him. That sick bastard. I wish I had a gun. No actually, not a gun. I wish I could tie him down and stab him with a knife, and then twist it until he screams and there is blood everywhere. I could slowly kill him.Cut off his limbs one by one, but make sure that he's stays conscious so that he can feel every second of it. Make him feel the hurt that I felt. Because that's exactly what he did to me. Shoved a dagger in my heart and twisted. Slowly killed me. I'm just a ghost of the loving girl I used to be.

See? I'm psychotic.

I hate him for what he did to me. I hate his mother for pushing me away and not accepting me. I wasn't good enough for her. She probably manipulated him into leaving. She tried to manipulate my mother. But my mother saw right through her insanity.

I wish I could go back in time. I wish I had never loved him. I wish I would have said no when he asked me to date him, or go to homecoming with him. You know that saying, It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? Yeah, well fuck that. I wish I never loved him. I wish I never even knew his name. I wish he was just some stranger that I never knew. A random customer at Taco Bell, or the guy at the supermarket that holds the door for me. Maybe just some asshole who cut me off on the road, or the guy sitting across from me in the waiting room at the therapist's office. Just a stranger. No one important. I wouldn't care if he got run over by a car.

I don't care if I never see him again. I want him gone. I want him dead. He doesn't even deserve to live. Not after he turned me into this monster.

Just go. Please stop controlling my life. I see you sitting in the office chair behind me. I'm not stupid. I'm not crazy. Just stop. I'm so tired of seeing your face in the streets, hearing your voice in my dreams. I know what you are. You're depression. You're the face of depression. And you won't leave me alone. You are taking all that I am and crushing me down, forcing the life out of me, and making sure all the wind is knocked from my lungs.

I've been working 60 hours a week, trying to erase his memory out of my mind. I've been working myself to the physical exhaustion point, just to prove to myself how strong I am, and how much I can take before I break down. This is just emotional pain, right? It's all in my head. It isn't really there. I can block it out. I can forget about him, and how in love with him I am.

Yeah, I know. I'm a pathetic mess. I'm so lost without him. I haven't cried in forever, because I'm too busy to cry. I have to much to do to cry. There are much more important things. None the less, that doesn't stop the hurt and the hatred from eating away at my already-shattered heart.

I miss him so much now that I can feel it in my bones, I can feel that I am sick. I dream of him every night. Every night I get to spend hours and hours with him. And he loves me. He doesn't push me away. I am his, and he is mine. And then I wake up, and with every breath I take, I become incredibly nauseous and sick to my stomach. I realize it was all just a wishful dream. He isn't here. He's gone. He doesn't even care about me. He wouldn't die for me like I would die for him. He doesn't look up at the moon and wonder if I'm looking at it too. He doesn't carry the burden of an extremely broken heart everywhere he goes. I can't even remember what it's like to be free from love, and boys. It just seems so long ago. I got my heart broken at age 13, when I was in 8th grade. Ever since then, it's just something I have to deal with everyday.

I hate boys. I hate relationship. I hate love, and trust, and hope. Hope just causes despair. I should just give up. I should stop trying. Caring. Praying that he comes back for me. Because I just get my hopes up, only for him to smash them all over again.

I didn't know it was possible to hurt like this. This isn't depression, this is extreme sadness I am feeling. I can feel in my heart, and my stomach. This is heartbreak.

I woke up a couple of days ago from a dream with him, and I remember being so extremely angry at him. I woke up, and I was just like, shit. Why can he control my life like this. This is fucking ridiculous. Once I had a dream that I walked up to him and just punched the shit out of his face. And he got super angry and started chasing me, trying to hurt me. I was terrified, because I knew the damage he can do. But at least he was concentrating on me. I was clogging up his mind, even if it wasn't in a positive way.

The hardest thing I ever have to admit to myself every single day is that I'm still in love with you.

That is all.

...and as you slowly fade out of my memory and my life, I realize I'm so much better off without you. Look how far I've come without you here besides me.

This is what it's like to be free. I'm not desperate anymore. I see now that I don't need a guy to complete me. I see that I only need one relationship right now, and that's the relationship with myself. I'm still so young, and I have so much time to find that special someone. But for now, I don't want to have to deal with another person like that. I don't need or want the responsibility. I need to take care of myself.

On another note. My bgf broke up with his girlfriend. YUSSSS. I don't know, that relationship was just bugging me. Don't want to date right now, but I just. I didn't like her. At all. She wasn't bgf worthy.

Landed a job at U of M in eating disorders :D Yay! Get to work with more crazy people... just like me!! I'm exciteddd. I actually like this job.

All is well. I am tired. More later...

I managed to struggle through my mental breakdown last night in one piece. I'm feeling fine today. But I keep having flashbacks. Going back to the day he left. The day he gave up on me, on us, and left me all alone to suffer and fall into this deep hole that I'm still digging my way out of.


June 13th. 2011. The emptiest day of my life. It was a Monday. The previous Friday, we had made up our minds to go our separate ways, and get back together later. He described it as stones in a river. He said he didn't want to break up because he would cry every day of his life for two years. And stupidly, I believed him. I thought he would come back for me, that we would be lovers. But I was wrong. I was so wrong.


I don't remember much about that day. I just remember being in a fog. Smiling through my tears. Deflecting everyone's puzzled looks, their questions about what went wrong. I was able to hold it together for about three hours before I just completely lost it. Everyday for a year, we had eaten lunch together. It was our little date, everyday. Without fail. And when we finished eating, he would hold me, and kiss me, and we would just talk and talk and be happy. And in love. But now we were on our own. I didn't have him there with me. And I was absolutely devastated. My friends went and got hot lunch, and I pretended to eat, though I had lost my appetite days before. We went in sat in the hall. They all gossiped and tried to include me in the conversation. But I just sat there. Curled up in a ball against the locker. Trying so hard not to cry. The entire day was a battle, to keep myself put together. While I was sitting there in my trance, he walks by with his friends. He won't look at me. He won't acknowledge my presence. Just walks right past me, like we had never met. And I just lost it. I told my friends I had to go to the bathroom. I ran, locked myself in the stall, and went into hysterics. I couldn't lose him. Not yet. But in that moment, I knew he was gone.


That emptiness, hopelessness, is something I will remember for the rest of my life. That moment was probably one of the most defining moments of my life. Yes, depression is a constant battle. But with depression, I can't feel anything. There isn't any pain to be concerned about. That day, my mind went blank. Numb. I gave up. I stopped caring about everything and everyone. I failed all my finals. I dragged myself to work everyday, and sat through my lectures, writing love notes to him, praying for a text from him. But no texts ever came. He was gone.


But I survived. I'm still here to tell you about it. That day is what woke me up, what made me the strong girl I am today.

This is the emptiness I feel.

I'm scared. I can feel myself slowly detaching from my body. The emptiness is back. I am floating. I am lost. It's because I'm out of meds.

I literally cannot move. My arms feel like lead weights. I can't even cry. Too much energy. I had to lock all my doors and windows so I can't get out. I would do something dumb. I would totally jump in a random lake right now. Or have sex with a stranger.

I think I'm losing it. I'm screaming at my dog for no reason. The sound of someone's voice, the sound of anything really, is pushing me over the edge. I'm so angry. The sound of this keyboard clacking is making me furious. I want to go punch a hole in a wall. Instead I sit here. Everything feels like its a thousand tons.

My bgf won't talk to me. He told me not to talk to him when I'm like this. Even though I'm there for him every step of the way.. I just can't talk to him I guess. My best friend is gone. Can't exactly call her up. My dad left again.

Can I just jump through a window? That wouldn't be considered cutting. The glass would do it for me, right?

What's wrong with me. I'm going insane without my meds.

I guess I'm going to pry myself away from this desk and dance it off.

Goodbye.

I can feel it. It's running through my veins. I can actually smile. It's 4:30 in te morning right now, and I can't sleep. Because I can feel. There's no more weight, just excitement... Excitement to just live my life. My depression is getting weaker. I am getting stronger. I can stand up straight again and hold myself up. I can breathe. I can feel okay. No anxiety, no self doubt, no blackness, and no pain. I haven't been able to just breathe for over a year now. Ever since he left, there's a burden. And now it's gone. And I'm okay. And I don't care if a guy likes me or not, because I can just be me. I can live on my own now. Soon, I hope to get off this medication. I can start living again! I can talk to people! I can form relationships! I can have friends! Ahh. I can be ME. Me. Myself. I can be a person again.

This is all just so exciting.

Sometimes I really wish I had that typical high school boyfriend. I feel like I'm never treated very well. I want a Nicolas Sparks romance. Even though I say I hate love, and I never want to get married, blablabla... it's just because I've been hurt way too much. I do want to get married. I don't hate love. I'm a sucker for romance.

I honestly thought I was going to marry my ex. We had plans made. When I looked into the future, all I saw was him. He's all I've ever wanted. I still can't go a day without thinking about him. But I was stupid, and naive. I trusted him with everything. And that all got ripped away from me. It's been a year now. He's taken up a year of my life. And I hate him for what he's done to me. I just want to know what happened. I don't think I changed. I changed after he was already gone. I still look for his face in the streets, I figure out his class schedule every year just so I can get a smile and a hello from him. He wants to be friends. But I can't be friends with something that I'm still in love with. It just feels like I'll never love someone like I loved him, you know? I lie in bed every night and just relive every moment I had with him. The first time he kissed me... when he gave me my necklace... homecoming... It was the happiest time of my life. And I just feel so empty without him. I've gone out and tried to replace him. Force myself to meet someone new, go on a few dates. But no one can fill this huge hole in my heart. I lost not only a boyfriend. I lost my best friend. And that's something that I doubt any guy can replace.

It's 2 am. I'm up dreaming about my prince charming.

Ever since my dad announced the divorce, I feel like my childhood dream has been shattered. I want to meet someone who will sweep me off my feet and love me forever. I'm thinking I'm going to have to go back into the church if I want to meet someone like that. I look at my old parish and see all these happy couples. I say old parish because I haven't gone to church in months. And I mean months. I'm like that lost sheep in the bible. Yes, I want to get back into the church, but I just don't really know how.

I feel like I've lost trust and hope in God. I trusted him. I trusted that he would guide me through these shitty times, and I just. I feel so lost, and hopeless, and I feel like he betrayed me. I'm hurt that he would put me through all of this. He should have known that I couldn't handle this. I needed help, and he wasn't there when I needed him. I've tried praying a few times now, and it just doesn't seem right. I can't bring myself to do it.

I keep telling myself, okay, this Sunday will be different... I'll actually go to church this time... and then I don't.

I've stole and cheated and lied, turned to other gods, and just. I don't know how to go back. I don't remember how to go to confession. And I sure as hell don't feel comfortable telling a priest all this stuff that I've done wrong. I don't want anyone to know about all the terrible things I've done, because I know that they're going to judge me. I'm not a bad person. I've just made really stupid decisions.

But back to my prince charming. Maybe, just maybe, there's someone like my ex out there. I just feel like I'm never going to love anyone as much as I loved him. Idk. Going through tough times, as usual. And struggling to stay single.

Who are you.

You're not my best friend. You're not the guy I fell in love with all those months ago. Who are you. Would you like to tell me? Reintroduce yourself? You are a stranger to me. You say and do things that don't make sense. You say you will cheat on your girlfriend if she doesn't have sex with you in the next four months. You go out and get high as fuck like it's no big deal, even though you know I HATE that. This isn't you. This is not the sweetheart that I love.

And suddenly, I'm glad I broke up with you. Im glad that this lying, cheating, pothead is a thing of the past. I don't ven want to associate with you anymore. I don't hang out with retarded people like you.

Get your act together. Or else you risk losing your best friend.

I feel funny. I feel free. Which is a weird feeling for me to have. Usually I feel trapped and suffocated, but lately, I've just been.. okay. I'm not mourning the loss of my ex, or the fact that BGF has a new girlfriend. Because frankly, I really don't care. I'm just super concentrated on my future, and getting my GPA back up. Guys are so dumb. I have no time for them anymore. It's suddenly super clear to me that the reason no high school relationship works is because guys are just stupid in high school. They just want head and sex. And weed. That's seriously about it. Later on, yeah, they start looking for serious shit, but right now, they just think with their dicks. I think it's so stupid that society is always like, "high school romance, siiighhh...", when really, it's a bunch of bullshit and a waste of everyone's time.

I think I'm feeling like this because I bumped up my meds to 200. Is this considered self medicating? I'm not sure, but I'm going to ask for it to be prescribed this way. Because I feel okay. Yeah, I feel a little off and foggy, but at least I'm not in constant pain. And trust me, that is so nice to be able to say....

Hey. I can breathe. I'm just super bored and okay, for once. I don't need guys.

Today is an "I'm not going to do anything because I've been working my ass off" day. I have accomplished nothing. Hurray :) Here's to a relaxing summer!

I. I can't. Earth shattering. Heart. Breaking. Glass. Crumbling to the ground.

I didn't take my meds. I'm. Falling apart.

I miss him. I regret it. I want him back. I want someone to hold. Someone to call mine. But I can't. No boyfriends. No. I have to get through this mental illness.

Everyone always says, oh, you'll enjoy the freedom... BULL. SHIT. I don't like this freedom. I don't like this emptiness. I hate not having a hand to hold, lips to kiss, someone to hold onto and say goodnight. I don't. Like this. I'm falling apart.

And this is exactly why I have to stay single.

Ah. It's been a while since I posted. I was super stressed out about finals, and then yeahh. I kinda just forgot.

I think I have borderline personality disorder.

"Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others.
These inner experiences often cause them to take impulsive actions and have chaotic relationships."

Risks for BPD include disrupted family life and sexual abuse.

A few common symptoms-

• Fear of being abandoned
• Feelings of emptiness and boredom
• Frequent displays of inappropriate anger
• Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting
• Intolerance of being alone
• Repeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as wrist cutting or overdosing

 Complications: depression and suicide.

I think that says it all right there.

I just want to be okay again.

So now I have not one hole in my chest, but two. My ex boyfriend was torn out of my life, and my bgf was torn out of my life by his girlfriend. I just. I'm just hurting so much. Losing my ex was enough. Losing my bgf... it's just unbearable.

Why can't I fucking get over my ex. It's just killing me. It's been a fucking year now. A year. And my heart still jumps at the sound of his name, I have to stalk him from my friends' facebook accounts because he unfriended me. I still try to catch him in the hall... One time hurting me just wasn't enough for him. And now all my scars have been ripped open, and he's the one on my mind all the time.

And then there's my bgf, and that's not any better. At least I'm not in love with him. I just love and care about him a lot, and I can't be there for him when this other chick is in the way. She doesn't even know anything about him. I just don't understand why he still chooses her. When he got out of the hospital, he was like "I was held down because I was screaming and crying, but don't tell my girlfriend." Why not?! She's your GIRLFRIEND. Why can't I just go and tell her? Shouldn't you be hanging out with people you can be truthful with? The reason you ended up in the goddamn hospital is because you hid so much from me!!! Jesus fucking christ.

I feel replaced. I feel betrayed. I feel hurt that he can move on that quickly. I can't believe it. I'm grieving. I'm grieving the loss of my best friend. She's just a rebound, I remind myself. But that doesn't stop the tear from building up behind my gentle eyes, my yhroat burning. It's hard to breathe. But I will not cry. I will hold my head high and carry on. I am not defined by another human being. I am strong. And I can do this on my own now. I will fight this battle against depression. I will wake up every morning stronger than the day before, breathing with more purpose than before. I will survive. I am a fighter. And this fighter is not giving up. Not yet.

I'm getting scared. Today I crashed. And burned. I ended up cutting. And just. Losing it. I could probably be in the hospital right now. I just want to get through finals in one piece. After that, I don't really care what happens.

He got out of the hospital today. I just want to hold him and know that he's okay. I just want to know he's okay....

I'm in a daze. I can't move or study. I'm just so stressed and so done. I can't eat or anything. I just sit here.

Maybe I'll watch a movie or something. Instead of watching the little blinky thing at the end of my words move across my screen as I ramble.

I want to die. I really do. I

I just want him back. I just want to be able to hold him in my arms and know that he's okay, that he can't hurt himself, and that maybe for just a few minutes, he won't be hurting. I just want him to be okay. I just want him to be okay....

Tears are flooding, like a dam. I just want to be able to see him. And hold him and never, ever let go. I'm going to go insane if I can't see him.

Twice now
in one day
he has called me,
asking for her.

I texted her.
Not because I wanted to.
But because he asked me to.
Twice.

And I did. For him.
Though I don't want to talk to her,
I did it for him.
Because I care.

Maybe she just doesn't care.
Maybe she's afraid now.
No one hurts him.
No one.
I will guard and protect him
until the day he dies.

I am a cranky crying mess. ahhahaaa. I don't want to get out of bed and do anything, really. Let me tell you. Pre-finals week is a greeeeat week to be pms. >.> not. The sound of people's voices is pissing me the fuck off. I want to 1) take a shower 2) go buy those cookies in a roll things 3) go yell at people and punch a hole in my wall. Yay.

Maybe that's why I've been so upset lately... I didn't realize it until just now.

I'm feeling a lot better now that I don't have to stress over five million due dates and tests. I have finals, but I'm not really stressed over them. I'll be fine. My bgf isn't acting so weird anymore. He says he wants to hang out a lot when he gets out. He also couldn't see his girlfriend because he has no passes off ward. I asked when I could see him and he said that I'll probably see him after he gets out. That made me feel a little better. His voice also wasn't as flat. I don't know if he was hiding it, or if he genuinely felt better. He told me that he doesn't remember Monday and his whole mental breakdown.That doesn't surprise me. I don't remember my mental breakdown either.

I haven't really explained what happened to me and why I ended up in the psych ward. In November 2011, I noticed that I was slowly falling into a depression. I told my therapist, and I ended up going on Zoloft, which is an antidepressant. The only bad thing about it is that it can be very dangerous. When you're on low levels of it, you drop off of it, and do really stupid things. Such as try to kill yourself. That's what happened to both my bgf and I. It's super scary. You just feel like there's no reason to live anymore. You literally cannot see any light.

It was tech week for the show that I was in, late February or so. I had just started Zoloft, and I immediately noticed a change. I was fine for the first week or so. But by the second week, I was feeling worse that I had going into treatment. I felt absolutely hopeless. I wanted to just crawl up into a ball and cry for no reason. It was just this awful sadness in the pit of my stomach that would not go away. I went into a mental breakdown. I zoned out for 48 hours. I don't remember much of anything. I remember staring off into space, and not being able to speak or move or eat, or do anything. All I could do was lie there in my bed and stare at the walls. I faintly remember my bgf (he was my boyfriend at the time) calling me over and over, scared to death because I wasn't talking. I remember his mother also talking to me. And I remember sitting up suddenly in my bed, grabbing a bright red scarf, and tying it around my neck until I couldn't breathe. I remember the instant gratification I felt. I remember standing up and clutching to my dresser, my vision getting blurred from lack of oxygen, as I stared at my dark eyes in the mirror. And suddenly, I knew I couldn't die. Not yet. I still had something to accomplish in life. So ripped the scarf off and threw it at the ground, and sunk to my knees, and cried.

I remember being dazed everyday after that. I didn't go to school that Monday, or Tuesday. And then suddenly, I felt the urge to find that red scarf again. Only it was stronger this time. I got scared and called my dad. I went to the psych emergency on Valentine's Day, and they admitted me as an inpatient on suicide watch. I was very sick. I couldn't keep any food down, so I was on IV for a night. My stomach kept cramping and rejecting food. It was the most awful expirience in my entire life. Then I went up to the ward. I spent a week there, recovering from my breakdown. I got my meds changed, and things got better. I got out feeling weak, but able to at least carry on normal life functions, like feeding myself.

I don't have much to prove that breakdown I had. I do have scars on my arms, from where I stabbed myself with razors. I also have the word "HATE" scarred into my arm. It's a constant reminder of the battle I'm fighting.

I am feeling stressed today. I just want this school year to end. I am tired of all the competition with grades and shit. I just don't care anymore. I woke up this morning with a terrible stomachache. I didn't want to move or get dressed or do anything. I just wanted to sleep. I had to carry like five million books into school today because they're all due to the book depository.

I just can't deal with people right now. And on top of that, my bgf's girlfriend is visiting him, and I'm trying not to think about it, but it's like stabbing me in the chest. I don't want to go to math, or orchestra, or english, or physci. But I don't know what to do. Have you ever gotten hurt really bad and you can't sit still? Like you stub your toe or something and you start jumping up and down to distract yourself and release negative energy? That's how I'm feeling right now. Except with emotional pain.

Someone asked me about my ex today, and what happened to him (not my bgf.. the one before that.). It's funny though... I didn't have an issue talking about him. I was just like, oh, that douche? He just had some major issues, and obviously he didn't see what he was missing out on. My heart didn't jump, I just didn't give a fuck. Score. I did notice yesterday though, when I was making an avatar for Steven Dedalus, that I made him look exactly like my ex. My best friend came over after school and she was like, "HAHAHA YOU MADE IT LOOK LIKE HIM." And I was like shut the hell up. Lol. It really does look like him though. Don't ever date greeks. They're bad news. I mean really religious ones though... if you're not greek, you're not getting into their life. Non religious ones don't care.

Wow. I just want to shoot someone right now.

My best guy friend is still in the hospital (can I just refer to him as bgf? hahah). I called him up today and asked him how he was doing. Of course, he was on the other line with his girlfriend. I wanted to cry. Called her before he called me.

You know though, I made a promise to myself. I promised that I wouldn't date anyone for the rest of 2012. And I know that's going to be terribly hard. But for the past two years now, I keep throwing myself into relationships when I'm just not ready yet. And that has to change, starting now. I'm not over my ex. I'm not over my bgf. I have to have healed from both of those relationships, and get my depression under wraps before I can start going out again. It's just too painful to have to deal with a guy and depression. Like I said before, how can I be with a guy when I don't even know who I am anymore? Maybe this will ease the pain a little about my bgf's girlfriend. I can't date anyone this year anyway. He can date around I suppose. I doubt it will last longer than a year anyway. I give it late fall, early winter. I think right now he's just in that "new relationship" daze. Whatever. I won't let him forget about me.

So we talked for a little. He sounds very sick. His guard was up for so long, and it just all came crashing down. His voice was dull, he couldn't make conversation. He'd lost all the strength he had for so long. Emma doesn't see that part of him. I highly doubt it. He hid all that from me for eight months. Eight. I only dated him for six. I thought he was my best friend. I thought he told me everything. I thought there were no secrets between us, and that I had made it clear that I wanted him to be able to be himself around me. I don't even know who he is anymore. It's like a completely different person. He doesn't laugh. There's no smile in his voice.

I feel like he used me as an outlet to pretend. He pretended like everything was all happy and positive in his life. When I first met him, he was all smiles and laughing, because he didn't like people under his skin. He was super guarded. Slowly, that guard came down as his ex-girlfriend (the girl he dated before me) faded from his life. I told him all my secrets, and I thought he told me all of his. He told be about how he questioned his sexuality, how he was abused when he was younger, how he just wants to be loved and accepted by someone... and I thought I was giving him all he wanted. I thought I was doing a huge favor for him. We lost our virginity to each other, and became incredibly open with each other. He was my best friend and so much more. I thought I knew him like the back of my hand. I thought he was my other half. But I was so, so wrong.

On Sunday, his guard fell to the ground. He collapsed into a mental breakdown. He couldn't hide anymore. He had been pretending for so long that he just lost his mind. He told me that when he was just 10 years old, he watched a man get hit by a car. The man was thrown to the side of the street, and his skull was cracked. There was blood all over, draining into the sewer. And then man looked up at him and they just held a stare. And then life was drained from his eyes. My bgf watched a man die. When he was 10. He told me how he wants to kill people. He targets their necks and just thinks about slashing them and watching the blood gush and the person fall to the ground. He wants to snap someone's neck. He told me that when he was 13 he stabbed himself in the side with a knife. He also told his mother that he wanted to stab her eyes out, and he completely meant it. Ever since then, they've had a very distant relationship. I can see why.

And he was hiding this. All of it. From me. All because I was suffering. I wanted to die. So he held it all inside. He says he "didn't want to steal my thunder".

I want nothing more than to help this boy. That's partly why I get so upset when he chooses his girlfriend over me. I know him better than anyone in this world. I can fix him. I can help him through. I can help him feel, and get him the help he needs. She can't do any of that because he is hiding from her. He is putting on a smiley face, when right now, he just deserves to collapse into hysterics. I want to help him. I NEED to help him. No one deserves to hurt like this. I know what it's like. And I know that it's unbearable. She doesn't know what it's like. She doesn't understand that "it's all gonna be okay" isn't gonna cut it for a pep talk. She helps him feel bubbly on the surface, but she has no idea what's lurking behind that fake smile of his. He's going to explode all over again. And I just worry.

Anyway. At the end of our phone conversation, he asked me to call him tomorrow so that he doesn't feel all alone. I said I would. And then he said he was going off ward with his girlfriend. I just about hung up on him. Again. She can't do shit for him. Why. I DESERVE TO FUCKING VISIT  HIM. I'M GOING TO GO INSANE IF I CAN'T SEE HIM. He just. When I was in the hospital, I let him see me first. Not my best friend. Him. I let him. And it pissed my best friend the fuck off, but I knew he cared more. And I knew he was worried sick. Can't you see? I'm worried sick. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I just cry all the time and daze off into space. I need to see that you're okay.

I just want you to be okay...

I'm in a rotten mood today. I just don't want to be here, I don't want to do anything. I'm in one of those moods where if someone even touches me, I will blow up at them. I'm just angry at the world for being so cruel and unfair. I just don't want anyone to talk to me. I want to just be invisible today. I hate people.

I hate that depression did this to him. I hate that he has to hurt like this and work so hard just to feel okay. It's not fair. He doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve to be abused and ignored by his parents. He doesn't deserve to be failing all of his classes. He doesn't deserve to want to die.

I've also come to the conclusion that high school drama is fucking stupid. Everyone's all stressed out and gossiping and cranky and like. Ugh. I hate thisssss...

I'm hurting. Not emotionally. I stuffed all my feelings down and now I have a stomachache. I can barely breathe. I just don't know what to do. I care about him so much, but I know I can't go back. I just want to take care of him. She doesn't know him like I do. I know all his secrets. I know how to treat him and how to make him laugh. She doesn't. He needs someone right now. His family is about to collapse. His life is about to get so much worse, I can just feel it. His moms gonna get very sock and go into treatment, and his dads not going to know how to cope. His sisters gonna fall because no ones there to support her. And he's gonna be all alone. He's making a stupid decision to switch schools. He can't make friends right now. He can't do school work. He can't concentrate. His parents are going to waste their money that they could be using on treatment. O just. I wish I could do something to fix this family. I don't want him to have to suffer like I did, and like I still am. I want this for no one. Especially him. I feel so helpless.

He keeps asking for his girlfriend. For her, goddamnit. You've been dating for what, two days?! I'm the one that got you help. I'm the one that loves you and takes care of you. I know she's your girlfriend, but can't you just be happy I'm here?! Jesus Christ. I just feel so numb and empty without you. I beginning to regret this break up. I need you. I need to know you're okay. I need to hear your voice more than she does for crying out loud. I loved you for seven long months. I gave up so much for you. She doesn't even fucking care. I care. I'm the one that can't concentrate in school, I'm the one that numb and hurting and crying and failing everything because I'm just so worried. She doesn't understand your pain like I do. She's not there for you like I am. She doesn't know you like I do. I put you in the hospital, and called you and called you, and sent you a letter, and texted your mom. And I finally get a hold of you, and the first thing you say is "I was expecting a call from her." Fuck her. Love me. I just can't do this anymore.

I should have been in class. You should be dead by now. I'm not yours. I shouldn't be wasting my time and stressing out over it. But I am. And you don't even care. Let her do all this shit.

I'm just hurting so much.

I will not let you die.

I don't care if you're halfway across the world, married to another girl in Switzerland. I will not let you die. You are my best friend. And I will guard and protect you until the day I die. As long as you are out there in this world, I will be okay.

I'm numb. You could have been gone. And after your dad beat you, and your mom has cancer... I know, your leg sucks right now. But it's still a life worth living. Don't you ever give up on me. Don't you ever give up on life, or happiness. Keep holding onto whatever has kept you sane for this long.

Fine. Go be with her. But be safe. And know that I'm always a phone call away. I love you. And I'm scared for you.
I have not been able to cry. I think I'm just in shock. I have never seen you that way, never seen you hurt like that. And I am crushed. I have no appetite and I can't concentrate. I'm just in a daze. I just want to sleep and write you letters and just keep calling until I can hear your voice.

I'm in a daze...

I sent him to U of M because he wasn't making any progress. I feel scared and anxious. I just want him to be okay. Everything is in a blur.

Yesterday he said he wasn't feeling okay, so I went to help him. He started laughing and crying uncontrollably. I tried talking to him and he just wasn't there. He was gone. It was so scary to see my best friend like that. So I took him down to my counselor and they sent him to the psych ward, where I was for a little while. I haven't been able to contact him, but I sent him a letter today. He will hopefully get it tomorrow.

I
I'm just. Out.

I'm thinking clearly today, but I'm crying. Just too many emotions going at once. Depression, anger, emptiness, sadness, optimism. I just. It's too much. I'm fighting.

I spilled to my best guy friend why I was so upset when I learned about his girlfriend. I told him it hasn't been that long. I'm happy for him, and I know it's better off this way, but I'm just super upset. He's happy. I wish I could be too.

I'm holding my dog and I don't wanna let go of her to type. Lol. It is 1:41 in the morning and I'm fucking depressed. Okay, not depressed. Just upset. My best guy friend (remember, I dated him) asked my permission to go out with someone. And I was like dude. I don't rule your life anymore, you do.

So I log onto Facebook ten minutes later, and he's in a relationship. And it was like. BOOM hit by a semi truck and slapped in the face and fall 10 stories onto cement and break your back and all your internal organs spill and out. Stuff. I don't even know why I'm fighting to stay in a good mood right now. I should be crying. I am determined not to cry. And this is why.

I'm going through a tough time in my life. I don't know who I am anymore. So how can I be dating someone? That doesn't even make any sense. Dating is supposed to help you grow as a person. Not figure out who you're supposed to be. I'm a mess right now, and I realize that. I don't want to drag him with me. I guess it's time for me to face this thing on my own. This is my chance to pull myself back together. Yeah, it hurts like a fucker. But now I can concentrate on me. I can worry about me. I can be as selfish and antisocial as I want because I need to fix myself. I am my own project now. I don't have to worry about a "second half".

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for a person is to let them go.

He is better off with someone else. 

And I'm better off on my own.

So, today was better than yesterday. I woke up, and I was like YES, the sky is grey. I really didn't want it to be sunny, because then I would be mad at the rest of the world for being so happy when I am so sad.

I have a sinus infection, and the flu. I didn't have to work that long 7 hour shift I was supposed to.

My dad's home tonight. That makes me feel a little more secure. I don't like being away from him. My parents are separated, filing for a divorce. My mom is going to fight for custody, so it makes me really nervous when he's not home. She wants physical custody so that I can never live with my dad. That's really scary for me. I'm really close with my dad.

I'm talking to my best guy friend and watching youtube. Relaxing night, no panic or anything.

All for now :)

I feel so sick today. Both emotionally and physically. I just feel so out of whack, and like.. sick to my stomach. Things seem super out of place, and I feel like I'm pretending to be someone I'm not.

I had a breakdown today during my 6th hour, and I just went and cried and stared off into space while getting yelled at by my best guy friend for not being able to snap out of it. I also got yelled at for over working myself and having a job.

See, my best guy friend is moving to another school. We dated for 6 months. I also lost my virginity to him. We were super close, but all along, I was never quite in love with him. I love him, but.. he's just super clingy, and sometime our personalities can really clash. He knows me better than anyone in this world though. He knows me better than my best girl friend. I also couldn't get over my previous ex, so that caused a lot of issues.

Anyway. He's switching schools. And I'm devastated. Because whenever I'm feeling down and out, he is always there for me. Since we go to the same school, we can just sit and talk for hours and hours. But now that he's going to be gone... who can I go to anymore? He's one of the few people I can vent to. Actually, he's the only person I can vent to. We're on the same meds, we help each other out through everything. I can't talk to my best girl friend like I talk to him.

I just feel so alone. I know people are surrounding me and caring about me, but.. I just feel so empty. And lost. I don't even want to go to school tomorrow. I don't want to do anything. I just want to sleep.

Maybe I should see if he's online or something. Idk. I just need someone right now.

I think it's only appropriate to tell how/when my depression started, and what triggered it. Well, it's a very long, complicated story with lots of little side stories. So I'm only going to tell bits and pieces at a time. I can pinpoint the biggest and most prominent cause. So I'll start with that. It started with a boy. And a kiss. And a happily-ever-after that never was.

I've always had issues with boys. Because every boy I ever talk to is just a horny jerk that's thinking with his dick instead of his head. Yeah, I am somewhat attractive. I'm not like beauty queen gorgeous or anything. But I have a nice body, and my hair is long and natural and red, which is a turn on for a lot of guys. I'm very confident, always walk with my chin up, very outgoing, and I always remember to smile, even if I'm having an awful day. I'm not stupid, I know why guys talk to me.

My first legitimate boyfriend was actually when I was only 13. Almost 14. We dated for 5 months. The summer of 2010, my grandma suffered a major stroke. I was devastated. I was forced to move in with my grandpa, who lives an hour away, to take care of him. I had no choice. My grandma was scheduled for brain surgery, but she flat lined, and was rushed into emergency surgery. The same night, Antonio asked me to come home and keep him company because he missed me. Obviously, I said no. In response, he went and jumped off a parking structure. Crazy, right? One side of his body was completely shattered. He then proceeded to break up with me because he "didn't feel the same anymore". In the middle of brain surgery. When my grandma almost died. Fantastic.

So right off the bat, I knew guys were trouble. And I knew I had to be careful. But he didn't trigger my depression though. It was the guy after him that did.

I met him on the first day of high school when I walked into my biology class. He sat at my table, diagonally from me. I remember when my eyes met his stare. And I instantly knew I was going to date that guy. Two weeks into our friendship, he asked me out. I was so happy that I was crying my eyes out. I hardly even knew the guy and I was falling for him. He came off as so charming and caring. And after dickface #1, I just wanted to start over.

We dated for 9 months. The best 9 months of my entire life. I have never felt so loved and cared for. I loved him, he loved me, and nothing else in the world mattered. I could stare into his eyes for hours. He made me freeze up, like I couldn't breathe, when he looked at me with those loving brown eyes. I swear to god, I thought I was going to marry that boy. He was everything I had ever dreamed of. He was my prince charming. He was my best friend, and so much more. I was in love. So in love.

Sometime in the 8th month of our relationship, I knew something was wrong. He was changing, and fast. He went from texting me every moment of every day to ignoring my texts. We fought a lot. He made me cry a few times. I knew the end was coming, but I just didn't want to admit it. I just didn't click with this new person that he had become. He was rude, and cold-hearted. I could never figure out why he stayed with me until after we broke up, when I realized he was just using me for sex.

Finally, I had enough of being treated like shit. He called me a liar, and incompetent. He talked about me behind my back to my own best friend. I knew he didn't love me anymore. He was hurting me, and I knew I would be better off if I went my own way. So on June 10th, 2011, we went our separate ways, leaving a shattered relationship behind. I thought it was for the better. I thought I could live without him. But with the breakup came a freedom that I didn't want. I didn't want to be free from his arms. I wanted him back. But it was too late. It was over.

I was launched into darkness. A numbness that did not subside. A dark raincloud looming over my head every step of the way. It felt like someone had taken a vital organ out of me, an emptiness, a void that could not be filled. I needed him like I needed air to breathe. I was in denial. Of course he wanted me back. Of course he loved me. Of course we were going to get married. My mind spun out of control. Usually the pain starts to go away after a month or so. But this pain didn't. It kept going. And going. For months. It wasn't until four months later, in October, that I realized he wasn't coming back. The pain only got worse. I would pretend I was over him, lie to myself and all my friends. But the fact remained that I was still in love with him. I took alternate routes to classes just to see him, even if it was just a glimpse. It would give me some sort of strength to carry on through my day. But still, I felt all alone.

I met another guy, started dating him in the hopes that he would get me over my ex. But he just made me realize that no one could replace him. We dated for almost six months before we broke up about a month ago. I couldn't take it anymore. I was tired of putting on a face for my boyfriend, telling him I loved him when I really didn't care.

I texted my ex and just spilled out all my feelings for him. I told him how much I missed him, and that I couldn't breathe without him. I told him that our time couldn't be up yet, that I hadn't spent enough time with him yet. He responded by asking me out again. I was shocked. But happy. I was a little leery, but I was like YOLO! and just went along with it. I knew it wasn't going to work out, but I tried my hardest to make it work.

Eventually, he did call it off. And went behind my back again and told my other best friend (the guy I dated for 6 months.. yeah, we're still close) that he didn't even care about me and just wanted to have sex.

So. As you can see, this guy like. Made my life, and then destroyed it. Painted me a blue sky, and went back and turned it to rain. He is responsible for who I am today. He caused my hatred of love and relationships. He caused me all this pain. Yeah, I tell myself I'm done with him, and I don't give third chances. But the reality is that I probably would let him back into my life. No matter how much this guy hurts me, I can't fall out of love. My heart still skips a beat whenever I see him. It's awful.

And that, my dears, is how my depression began.

So. Let me start out by saying, this may be one of the most depressing blogs you will ever read. Yes, I can be happy, yes, I can smile and laugh like a normal person. But I usually write when I am very. Very. Depressed. When I'm happy, and a normal human being, I'm out with my best friend, or at the pool, or at the mall, or studying. Haha no, actually, I'm probably not studying. I'm probably just on youtube or facebook or something.

Why would you want to read this blog then? Well maybe, like me, you suffer from major depressive disorder. Maybe you were hospitalized and put on suicide watch and 200 mg of antidepressants. Maybe you just need someone to relate to. Or maybe you're just really bored and you like my username :)

I'm not putting out my name or anything because I want to remain anonymous on the internet. I want to be able to tell you guys my secrets, and you not be like, SHEEIT, she goes to my school. Because that would just be awkward.

I will tell you though, that my hair is cherry red. And that is why my name is littlemermaid96 :) Because people say I look like Ariel. Or Cat from Victorious. But that's not as good as Ariel.

I also tend to write in free style poetry. Just a warning.

Well. I think that is all for now. I have vented all I need to for now. More later :)