I managed to struggle through my mental breakdown last night in one piece. I'm feeling fine today. But I keep having flashbacks. Going back to the day he left. The day he gave up on me, on us, and left me all alone to suffer and fall into this deep hole that I'm still digging my way out of.


June 13th. 2011. The emptiest day of my life. It was a Monday. The previous Friday, we had made up our minds to go our separate ways, and get back together later. He described it as stones in a river. He said he didn't want to break up because he would cry every day of his life for two years. And stupidly, I believed him. I thought he would come back for me, that we would be lovers. But I was wrong. I was so wrong.


I don't remember much about that day. I just remember being in a fog. Smiling through my tears. Deflecting everyone's puzzled looks, their questions about what went wrong. I was able to hold it together for about three hours before I just completely lost it. Everyday for a year, we had eaten lunch together. It was our little date, everyday. Without fail. And when we finished eating, he would hold me, and kiss me, and we would just talk and talk and be happy. And in love. But now we were on our own. I didn't have him there with me. And I was absolutely devastated. My friends went and got hot lunch, and I pretended to eat, though I had lost my appetite days before. We went in sat in the hall. They all gossiped and tried to include me in the conversation. But I just sat there. Curled up in a ball against the locker. Trying so hard not to cry. The entire day was a battle, to keep myself put together. While I was sitting there in my trance, he walks by with his friends. He won't look at me. He won't acknowledge my presence. Just walks right past me, like we had never met. And I just lost it. I told my friends I had to go to the bathroom. I ran, locked myself in the stall, and went into hysterics. I couldn't lose him. Not yet. But in that moment, I knew he was gone.


That emptiness, hopelessness, is something I will remember for the rest of my life. That moment was probably one of the most defining moments of my life. Yes, depression is a constant battle. But with depression, I can't feel anything. There isn't any pain to be concerned about. That day, my mind went blank. Numb. I gave up. I stopped caring about everything and everyone. I failed all my finals. I dragged myself to work everyday, and sat through my lectures, writing love notes to him, praying for a text from him. But no texts ever came. He was gone.


But I survived. I'm still here to tell you about it. That day is what woke me up, what made me the strong girl I am today.