My best guy friend is still in the hospital (can I just refer to him as bgf? hahah). I called him up today and asked him how he was doing. Of course, he was on the other line with his girlfriend. I wanted to cry. Called her before he called me.

You know though, I made a promise to myself. I promised that I wouldn't date anyone for the rest of 2012. And I know that's going to be terribly hard. But for the past two years now, I keep throwing myself into relationships when I'm just not ready yet. And that has to change, starting now. I'm not over my ex. I'm not over my bgf. I have to have healed from both of those relationships, and get my depression under wraps before I can start going out again. It's just too painful to have to deal with a guy and depression. Like I said before, how can I be with a guy when I don't even know who I am anymore? Maybe this will ease the pain a little about my bgf's girlfriend. I can't date anyone this year anyway. He can date around I suppose. I doubt it will last longer than a year anyway. I give it late fall, early winter. I think right now he's just in that "new relationship" daze. Whatever. I won't let him forget about me.

So we talked for a little. He sounds very sick. His guard was up for so long, and it just all came crashing down. His voice was dull, he couldn't make conversation. He'd lost all the strength he had for so long. Emma doesn't see that part of him. I highly doubt it. He hid all that from me for eight months. Eight. I only dated him for six. I thought he was my best friend. I thought he told me everything. I thought there were no secrets between us, and that I had made it clear that I wanted him to be able to be himself around me. I don't even know who he is anymore. It's like a completely different person. He doesn't laugh. There's no smile in his voice.

I feel like he used me as an outlet to pretend. He pretended like everything was all happy and positive in his life. When I first met him, he was all smiles and laughing, because he didn't like people under his skin. He was super guarded. Slowly, that guard came down as his ex-girlfriend (the girl he dated before me) faded from his life. I told him all my secrets, and I thought he told me all of his. He told be about how he questioned his sexuality, how he was abused when he was younger, how he just wants to be loved and accepted by someone... and I thought I was giving him all he wanted. I thought I was doing a huge favor for him. We lost our virginity to each other, and became incredibly open with each other. He was my best friend and so much more. I thought I knew him like the back of my hand. I thought he was my other half. But I was so, so wrong.

On Sunday, his guard fell to the ground. He collapsed into a mental breakdown. He couldn't hide anymore. He had been pretending for so long that he just lost his mind. He told me that when he was just 10 years old, he watched a man get hit by a car. The man was thrown to the side of the street, and his skull was cracked. There was blood all over, draining into the sewer. And then man looked up at him and they just held a stare. And then life was drained from his eyes. My bgf watched a man die. When he was 10. He told me how he wants to kill people. He targets their necks and just thinks about slashing them and watching the blood gush and the person fall to the ground. He wants to snap someone's neck. He told me that when he was 13 he stabbed himself in the side with a knife. He also told his mother that he wanted to stab her eyes out, and he completely meant it. Ever since then, they've had a very distant relationship. I can see why.

And he was hiding this. All of it. From me. All because I was suffering. I wanted to die. So he held it all inside. He says he "didn't want to steal my thunder".

I want nothing more than to help this boy. That's partly why I get so upset when he chooses his girlfriend over me. I know him better than anyone in this world. I can fix him. I can help him through. I can help him feel, and get him the help he needs. She can't do any of that because he is hiding from her. He is putting on a smiley face, when right now, he just deserves to collapse into hysterics. I want to help him. I NEED to help him. No one deserves to hurt like this. I know what it's like. And I know that it's unbearable. She doesn't know what it's like. She doesn't understand that "it's all gonna be okay" isn't gonna cut it for a pep talk. She helps him feel bubbly on the surface, but she has no idea what's lurking behind that fake smile of his. He's going to explode all over again. And I just worry.

Anyway. At the end of our phone conversation, he asked me to call him tomorrow so that he doesn't feel all alone. I said I would. And then he said he was going off ward with his girlfriend. I just about hung up on him. Again. She can't do shit for him. Why. I DESERVE TO FUCKING VISIT  HIM. I'M GOING TO GO INSANE IF I CAN'T SEE HIM. He just. When I was in the hospital, I let him see me first. Not my best friend. Him. I let him. And it pissed my best friend the fuck off, but I knew he cared more. And I knew he was worried sick. Can't you see? I'm worried sick. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I just cry all the time and daze off into space. I need to see that you're okay.

I just want you to be okay...