I've been working 60 hours a week, trying to erase his memory out of my mind. I've been working myself to the physical exhaustion point, just to prove to myself how strong I am, and how much I can take before I break down. This is just emotional pain, right? It's all in my head. It isn't really there. I can block it out. I can forget about him, and how in love with him I am.

Yeah, I know. I'm a pathetic mess. I'm so lost without him. I haven't cried in forever, because I'm too busy to cry. I have to much to do to cry. There are much more important things. None the less, that doesn't stop the hurt and the hatred from eating away at my already-shattered heart.

I miss him so much now that I can feel it in my bones, I can feel that I am sick. I dream of him every night. Every night I get to spend hours and hours with him. And he loves me. He doesn't push me away. I am his, and he is mine. And then I wake up, and with every breath I take, I become incredibly nauseous and sick to my stomach. I realize it was all just a wishful dream. He isn't here. He's gone. He doesn't even care about me. He wouldn't die for me like I would die for him. He doesn't look up at the moon and wonder if I'm looking at it too. He doesn't carry the burden of an extremely broken heart everywhere he goes. I can't even remember what it's like to be free from love, and boys. It just seems so long ago. I got my heart broken at age 13, when I was in 8th grade. Ever since then, it's just something I have to deal with everyday.

I hate boys. I hate relationship. I hate love, and trust, and hope. Hope just causes despair. I should just give up. I should stop trying. Caring. Praying that he comes back for me. Because I just get my hopes up, only for him to smash them all over again.

I didn't know it was possible to hurt like this. This isn't depression, this is extreme sadness I am feeling. I can feel in my heart, and my stomach. This is heartbreak.

I woke up a couple of days ago from a dream with him, and I remember being so extremely angry at him. I woke up, and I was just like, shit. Why can he control my life like this. This is fucking ridiculous. Once I had a dream that I walked up to him and just punched the shit out of his face. And he got super angry and started chasing me, trying to hurt me. I was terrified, because I knew the damage he can do. But at least he was concentrating on me. I was clogging up his mind, even if it wasn't in a positive way.