I'm so tired of trying. I so tired of plastering a smile on my face every morning and making my voice ring with a fake laugh. My face literally hurts from forcing a smile everyday. I try so hard to pretend that I'm okay, that I'm happy, that everything is okay. But in reality, it just makes me feel even more alone, because no one can see through my mask. Instead, they catch my contagious smile and laugh along with me. It's like I'm just too convincing. If only people could actually see ME. No one knows me. No one understands me. No one understands that "Sarah" is just an act. Just someone they think they know.

It's so hard to pull myself back up after I collapse. I come home from school, and I let go. But even then, I won't let myself cry. I will not let myself just crumble. I just kind of disintegrate into a numb stupor. I know that if I let go, I'll probably never come back. I'll probably be deemed "psychotic" and locked away in a white padded room for the rest of my life. No one knows how sick minded I am, no one knows how I manipulate everyone around me. I plot against people. I plant ideas in people's heads to get my way. They think it was their idea. Know where I learned that from? Him. That sick bastard. I wish I had a gun. No actually, not a gun. I wish I could tie him down and stab him with a knife, and then twist it until he screams and there is blood everywhere. I could slowly kill him.Cut off his limbs one by one, but make sure that he's stays conscious so that he can feel every second of it. Make him feel the hurt that I felt. Because that's exactly what he did to me. Shoved a dagger in my heart and twisted. Slowly killed me. I'm just a ghost of the loving girl I used to be.

See? I'm psychotic.

I hate him for what he did to me. I hate his mother for pushing me away and not accepting me. I wasn't good enough for her. She probably manipulated him into leaving. She tried to manipulate my mother. But my mother saw right through her insanity.

I wish I could go back in time. I wish I had never loved him. I wish I would have said no when he asked me to date him, or go to homecoming with him. You know that saying, It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? Yeah, well fuck that. I wish I never loved him. I wish I never even knew his name. I wish he was just some stranger that I never knew. A random customer at Taco Bell, or the guy at the supermarket that holds the door for me. Maybe just some asshole who cut me off on the road, or the guy sitting across from me in the waiting room at the therapist's office. Just a stranger. No one important. I wouldn't care if he got run over by a car.

I don't care if I never see him again. I want him gone. I want him dead. He doesn't even deserve to live. Not after he turned me into this monster.