My lungs gasp for air

As I grasp the shattered pieces 

Of who I used to be. 

Through gritted teeth,

I fight the gangly hand

That fight to pull me

Beneath the ground  

I hide.

I hide behind this
broken mask,
this broken body.
I hide so that no one
can hurt
me.

They try to.
They attack
the shell
of me.
But since the real me
is hidden,
they never really attack
me.

I hide behind the fact that
a family member
touched me
in places
I did not want to be touched.
I was not even talking
yet.
When he stole my
innocence
away from me,
on the changing table
in my nursery.

Changing table.
That's ironic,
isn't it?
Yeah,
he changed me
alright.

No one knows
the real truths
about me.
I hide behind
scar tissue
and purple rims
around my eyes
from my nights
that lacked rest.

I hide behind the fact that
no one
will truly understand
how scared
I am.

I am afraid
of men.
I am afraid,
that they will corner me
and hurt me
just like that man did.
I expect them
to hurt me.

I don't expect anyone
to love me.

I expect every man
I will ever know
to lust after me,
but never truly
want me.
They use me,
and then throw me away
with their used
condoms.



My eyelids are
heavy.
It is 5:26 AM.

I will finally
find solace,
and sleep.

"Just go to sleep. Don't think about it."

Oh.
I wasn't aware
that life was that easy
for me.
I wasn't aware
that everything is so
cut and dry.
I wasn't aware
that there was a switch
for insomnia
and panic
and depression.

Pardon me
while I step out
and regroup my uncontrollable
emotions.
Because obviously,
I'm doing this all wrong.

Go find a needle
and prick your skin.
Let the blood bead up
and then look at the puncture and say,
"Just stop bleeding."
Because that's how my life is
for me.

Or
go jump into a pool.
Hold your breath,
and just never breathe again.
And when your brain starts screaming
for oxygen
and you start to panic,
I want you to
Just stop panicking.

This is not something
I chose
for myself.
This is something that happened to me
because of YOU
and DAD.
I have done NOTHING
to deserve this.
I don't feel this way for
the attention.
I don't enjoy
the feeling of
dying.
I don't enjoy it
when my limbs go numb
and I feel the adrenaline pumping
and my arms and legs prick,
ready to fight
someone
to make this awful feeling
in the pit of my stomach
stop.
I don't enjoy it
when my airways expand
and then close
because my asthma
is fighting
the adrenaline,
and my head is spinning
and won't stop,
and I know that I
will pass out
before I can confront
him
and what he did
to me.

My heart is racing
so fast
that I feel I need to dial
911
and tell the operator
that I'm afraid
my heart is going
to run away from me.

My heart hates me.
It tortures me every
single day
with memories of him.
It wants to kill me.
It doesn't want to
feel the pain.
But as long as I exist,
so does my heart.
So it is convinced that
if it
jumps out of my chest,
I will die.
We'll both die,
and then we won't feel the pain
anymore.

Maybe that would be better.
Maybe it's better
to give in
to the black smoke
that coats my eyelashes
and closes my airways
and drags me
down
   down
      down.


Maybe it's better
to let my feet stay glued to the floor,
a victim of its sticky evilness.
Maybe when my legs go numb
and my eyes refuse to see,
I will just fall.
I will let my heart beat out of my chest.
I will let my airways close.
And I will just go to sleep.
I will not think about it.

I will finally
sleep.

You made an impact on my life that will never be erased. 

The shock is wearing off and I am realizing that you're really gone. I catch myself crying every once in a while for my baby, but I know that when I leave, this will all be a distant memory. I will remember the way I loved you and the way you loved me. I will keep you safely locked away in my heart, because I will never be able to erase you. I will pull you out from time to time to reminisce. 

And I will surely remember you on my wedding day, as I am swept away by another man. You will cross my mind, and I will be reminded of all the things I learned from you that led to who I am now. I will remember your tolerance and patience. I will remember how you taught me to let go, to laugh. I will remember how witty you were, how quick you were to lighten up the room with your humor. And I will smile. I will not cry because lost you. I will smile because I had you, and you shaped me. You continued to shape me long after you were gone. 

I will always hold you close to my heart. 

I'm so lonely. 

I'm surrounded by people who love me but I feel so alone, surrounded by a huge glass room. No one can reach me here. 

I miss my baby. 

I miss the way he would kiss me and  pull me close when I cried. And he would say "easyyy baby" and that's all it took. I felt loved. I felt not so alone anymore. 

"How are you?"

How am I? Do you really want to know? Because I don't think you do. I'm terrible. I'm scared. I'm shaking so bad. But there's nothing to be afraid of. There is no imminent danger. But that's not what my body is telling me. 

The adrenaline is rushing through my veins, choosing flight, instead of fight. My heart is racing, prepared to run, from him. Even though he hasn't hurt me. Even though he's not going to do anything. I'm still scared for my life, that I will fall into that hole again, dark and alone. That the demons in the mind will take over. The parasites that tell me to destroy myself, that I don't belong here. That I'm a burden to everyone else. 

And suddenly I need to get out. 

I drive through my tears. I don't know where I am going. My heart skips when I hear a noise... Like an animal screaming, gasping for air. Primal. In agony. 

And then I look in my rear view mirror and see that it's me. I'm screaming bloody murder because I don't want to be here anymore. I feel like I'm dying, slowly, and no one understands. I am completely and utterly alone. 

I can't sleep. I go to bed at 2 am and wake up at 4 am. I can feel every nerve in my body, curled, ready to lunge, to run away. So I go to the gym. I run and run, until I can't feel my legs anymore. I barely notice that I can't breathe until I have to leave, and my lungs protest every gulp of at. 

~~~

"I'm fine. Just fine."

"How are you?"

How am I? Do you really want to know? Because I don't think you do. I'm terrible. I'm scared. I'm shaking so bad. But there's nothing to be afraid of. There is no imminent danger. But that's not what my body is telling me.

The adrenaline is rushing through my veins, choosing flight, instead of fight. My heart is racing, prepared to run, from him. Even though he hasn't hurt me. Even though he's not going to do anything. I'm still scared for my life, that I will fall into that hole again, dark and alone. That the demons in the mind will take over. The parasites that tell me to destroy myself, that I don't belong here. That I'm a burden to everyone else.

And suddenly I need to get out.

I drive through my tears. I don't know where I am going. My heart skips when I hear a noise... Like an animal screaming, gasping for air. Primal. In agony.

And then I look in my rear view mirror and see that it's me. I'm screaming bloody murder because I don't want to be here anymore. I feel like I'm dying, slowly, and no one understands. I am completely and utterly alone.

I can't sleep. I go to bed at 2 am and wake up at 4 am. I can feel every nerve in my body, curled, ready to lunge, to run away. So I go to the gym. I run and run, until I can't feel my legs anymore. I barely notice that I can't breathe until I have to leave, and my lungs protest every gulp of at.

~~~

"I'm fine. Just fine."

Insomnia sucks.

All of my classmates are in their beds dreaming about who knows what, and I'm stuck here, in the dark, all alone, watching the minutes tick by, one by one...

I'm surrounded by silence. All I can hear is the frequency of my computer, the beat of my heart, and my loud, obnoxious thoughts. They tell me that I love him, and that I just didn't deserve him, and that I will never be happy again. They tell me to just give in and give up. They force the air from my lungs and I am left gasping and grasping at nothing.

My feet are cold, yet they are sweating. My eyes keep crusting up, like when you go to bed crying and wake up with them swollen shut. It's too hot, too cold, too loud, too quiet. Too hard. Too hard to sleep.
And then of course, this leads to anxiety about tomorrow... or today... or however you want to put it. Because tomorrow/today, I have two major tests. One starts in two hours. I have gotten 2 hours of sleep. And I'm just... so tired.

Please.
Look at me.
Look into my eyes and know
that you are not alone.
That I love you.
That I would give anything
to fix you.

I don't know
what you are looking for.
Why can't you see
that what you're looking for
has been here
all along.
Waiting.
Longing.

I want to enclose you into my arms.
I want you to press your cheek to my shoulder
and just collapse
and know that it's okay,
because I'm here.
And I love you more than
I love myself.

I know it's completely
irrational
to love you like this.
But I can't explain why
I feel this way about you.
You've pushed me away
so many times.
And you continue to keep pushing.

You're intoxicating.

You say you're lonely
and that you will keep looking
until you find
Her.

Why can't you see
that I could be that person
for you.
Why can't you see.

You say you need help.
I try to give it to you,
and you decline it.

Someday,
I will have to leave you
behind.
I can only stay close by your side
for so long.
I continually get
rejected.

But I love you.
I love you so much.
I want to reach through this computer screen
and snatch you up
and keep you here.
Safe.
I can keep you safe.
I can protect you from
the demons that haunt your dreams.
Because I have those demons,
too.
And I've learned
to block them out of me.
They can't hurt me anymore.
And they won't hurt you
either.

So please.
Just look at me.

Someday I will back on these high school days and I will be overcome with sentimentality. My freshmen year full of insecurity, and first love. Of boys breaking my heart, while others stood on the sideline trying to fix it. Of the realization that my parents' marriage was crumbling and there was nothing I could do able it.

Once I was so ashamed of my emotions. I was so upfront about everything. My face said everything about me and how I was feeling. But now, no one can tell. I smile through my pain and laugh through my anger and no one ever knows what's going on behind closed doors.

When I let myself cry, I scare myself, because the noises coming from my mouth sound like a tortured animal. My voice cracks until I'm sure my vocal chords are going to break. I scream.

You want my love?

You can take it. 

Take it all. 

As long as you promise to sedate my heart 

So that it won't hurt

When you're not here anymore. 

So you want my innocence?

Go ahead. 

Take it. 

It's not like I have any left anyways. 

I'm sorry, but you cannot take my strength. 

It's not something I have 

To give. 

It's me.

It's part of my DNA. 

It's not just something you can rip from me. 

You would pull me in 

And I would bury my face in your chest 

And breathe you in

Until the smell of you filled my nose. 

I fit perfectly in your arms

Where your shoulder meets your 

Collarbone 

And I closed my eyes and felt 

Safe 

Because no one could hurt me

When I was in your arms. 

It never occurred to me

That YOU could hurt me. 

I thought you were mine. 

I guess I was wrong. 

The numbness that I now

Feel 

Is unbelievable. 

You were mine  

For 426 days. 

You were here for a moment,

And then you were gone. 

I am trembling.

I lift and separate every lash,
smooth every strand,
pluck every unwanted hair.

Rub little exfoliant beads
Over my skin
In the hopes that maybe
I can remove your dead memories as well.

I try to breathe
and just go with it.
But the pounding in my head
will not subside.

My glass clinks
and smells of cherry liquor.

I will not wear socks.
Socks are dorky.
I will not be dorky.
I do not know what I will be.
But I will put on my Keds
and march to this strangers house
and give myself to him,
because I gave all I had to you
and it wasn't good enough for you.

When I give myself to this stranger
he will pull me in his room and shut his door.
His mattress with be made of
memory foam.
It will conform to every contour of my body.
It will accept me.
It will fade all of these broken memories.

His black dog
will kiss my lips
and love me
more than you ever loved me.

We will play truth or dare
and I will keep choosing dare
until he decides to be brave.

And when he dares me to kiss him,
I will.
I will kiss away every bad memory
and every good memory.
I will throw it all away
with my reckless behavior
because I am not yours
anymore.
I will burn you out of my mind
like I burned our pictures
in a metal bowl
on my kitchen counter.

He will say I am beautiful.
He will say, "I can't believe this is happening."
His lips will be soft.
But not as soft as yours.

And when he is done,
he will escort me out
and I will leave
feeling liberated.

Because I am not your stupid sex slave
anymore.

Sometimes I wake
Feeling wrong
And I know that you were there.

You were there for a moment,
And then you were gone.

Sometimes I wake and can't move.
My limbs feel weak
From swinging
And grasping
At polluted air.
But I cannot squeeze the air strong enough.
And you slip through my fingertips.

Sometimes I wake because
I cannot breathe.
My lungs simply refuse air.
They chose the stillness
Over the pain.
And my delicate face
Is streaked with
Old mascara
Because I was too damn weak
To take it off.

Do I dare
slap you
for all the hurt
you have caused me?
Or would you come after me
and beat my strength down to a pulp?

Do I dare
scream to the world
so that everyone knows how you hurt me,
How you absolutely destroyed me
when you knew I was at my weakest
point.

"Don't spread rumor."
 I will spread nothing but the truth.

Why do you feel the need to always
be better?
Why am I always the lesser?
Why am I never enough
For anyone
Ever.

Be better.
Always.

I am destroying myself,
slowly.

I will not cut.
No.
That's too obvious to everyone around me.

Instead, I will set a grenade off in my heart,
so that the pain is not because of you.
It will be self inflicted
and you can't control me
anymore.

I am taking any last piece of innocence
and setting it on fire,
so that it won't hurt
when I lose everything.

I like to have control of
my life.
And if I choose to destroy
that innocent little girl,
then I am in control.

I will go out
and find friends with benefits.
It will be my goal
to feel in control.

No.
I will not have sex with you
so that I can keep the title
of "his girlfriend".

No.
I don't need your bullshit.
I will not have sex with you,
because I will NOT be forced
anymore.

I am already forced into
so much shit.
I am forced to live this life
that I didn't want.
I am forced to live this life
that I wanted to end.

So if I'm forced to live this life,
I will make it a damn good one.

And that means that you
will not be in my life
Anymore.

I understand now that you will never be gone from my life. You will always leave a gaping hole where your joyous laughter used to echo. I will learn to live around this emptiness, and build on it. One day it will be barely visible underneath all that I have accomplished. You have left me broken, but have healed me in more ways than imaginable.

I wish I could erase you from my memory.

I wish that I could see you in the halls and not be afraid. I wish that I didn't go into panic when there was a even a small chance of seeing your face. I wish I never loved you. I wish I never lost you. I wish that this eternal pain would subside. Because when it's all said and done, I left here wishing you didn't even exist. I wish you were dead.

I'm so obsessed over you. Maybe I should just die. I'm feeling really down lately.. My life is tinted black because of you. I don't want to be sad anymore. I just want this to be all over.

Every time I go through your pictures I will post here. I will write a blog post and I will not cry. I will not shed any more tears for you.

I will remind myself that I have my whole life stretched out in front of me. I will remind myself that I have no reason to cry, because some day I will find someone to love as much as I loved you.

I will remind myself that brighter days are ahead. I will remind myself to take deep breaths and live in the present, because I can't change what happened between us before. I only have now. And that's all that really matters right now.

That lovely feeling when you find you are prettier than her.

How I am supposed to feel.

I don't know how I feel. What do people feel when their first love goes off with some other girl.

Everyone says I should be sad. Everyone says I should hate her and stalk her to see if she's pretty.

And yes, I was sad. Simply because the memories came back like a freight train, flattening me against a wall of emotion. And yes, I want to see what she looks like because I'm a curious person.

But no. I don't hate her. I feel happy and sorry for her. Happy, because he gave me the best year of my life. Sorry, because he caused the worst two years of my life. Verbal abuse sticks with you. It doesn't go away. It eats at your core and makes you second guess your self worth.

And that's what he did. He made me feel stupid and worthless.


Maybe it will be different for her. Maybe they'll go off and get married and have babies together.

I want to meet her. I want to see her grow with him. I want to know if he'll call her incompetent. I want to see what she does when they break up. I want to watch her move on. Then maybe I can copy her, and move on, too.

Forgive me heart

I loved him so. 

And when I did,

He let me go. 

Its amazing how I never react
the way I think I will.
I'll be fine.
I'll be strong.
And then it happens, and I'm not fine.
I'm not strong.


He has a girlfriend.


These words don't make sense coming from my mouth. Surely, I must be speaking of some other guy, some other past relationship. No. I'm talking about him. HE does. HE has a girlfriend.

I told my counselor that I would be happy when he has a girlfriend. I said I could move on because he's not "mine" anymore. But it didn't work out that way. I wanted to be overjoyed. Instead, I collapsed into my boyfriend's chest, breathing heavily, willing myself not to cry.

I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry.


I chant this in my head over and over. I look at his relationship status. Unchanged. He is in a relationship. And it's NOT with me. How could this be?





stopstopstopstopstopstospstopstsopstop
STOP DOING THIS TO YOURSELF.

They told me I had appendicitis   

When I felt flames lick my insides

Like they were doused in gasoline

And I could only lay in bed and scream

As the pain consumed me

Whole. 

It's anxiety, they said

When my heart beat so hard I thought I would be carried away
Like a helicopter
And the only cure was sleep
So that I could see you
In my dreams.

And then, it must be depression

When the days turned to weeks and months and then years. 

When the pain did not subside, but intensify.
The cocktail of medicine
Was supposed to fill the giant hole
That you left.

Maybe you're psychotic 

When I saw your face in every crowd

When every boy with short dark brown hair

Was suddenly you

And my world spun 

And my heart fluttered

Until he turned around and I saw

That he was just another guy. 

We think you're suicidal,

As they locked me in a sterile white room

Because I had no desire to live anymore

And I'd rather be dead than feel this much pain

We've figured it out, finally. 

You have post traumatic stress disorder. 

Because everything is a trigger. 

My dog. Certain teachers. 

Songs. Roads. Even colors and rocks. 

They all sent me spiraling

Until I was reduced to a ball of bone and muscle

And nothing more. 

Rocking, rocking

Trying to escape this hell I am forced to live in. 

But maybe, what I have is not diagnosable. Maybe I just miss you.

Green. Jade. Circle drives. Water. Polo. Piano. Jazz. The Beatles. Dubstep. Choir. Pentatonix.

My mind translates these to "run". 

Run as fast as you can and don't look back

Because if you do, your heart will stop

And you'll drown in your own tears

He'll see you look back

And pounce on you like you're a weak animal 

He will run you over again and again with his reassuring words and worthless promises 

Until the blood drains from your body

In cuts on your thighs, arms, shoulder, palms, hips.

He will watch you die. 

Because that's what he wants.

He wants you to hurt.

He wants you to need him.

Like he is a drug.

Like he is the only thing keeping you here.

I've figured it out, finally.
I have IBHS: irreversible broken heart syndrome.

One of the most disappointing things in life is reaching out towards a finish line that has disappeared. Everything that was once laid out crystal clear in front of you just evaporates, and you're left with trace elements of what your dreams used to be.

But the beautiful thing is that nothing in life happens on accident. That red ribbon finish line was not meant for you. It was meant for someone else. God works in weird and strange ways. He makes you work and work for something only to yank it out from underneath you. He's not hurting you. He's not being cynical or mean. Sometimes it is simply the journey that is important, not so much the goal at the end of the line. I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. I believe in karma and fate. And I know that whenever something happens in my life that seems awful or unfair, that it happened because the universe and the Lord wanted me to experience this failure or let down or disappointment.

I realize I have a strange religion. I am Catholic and Buddhist. But combining these two beautiful religions makes for a more colorful world. I am not bound to one set of rules, but two, accepting and dejecting practices and faiths as I go. I create my own faith, my own mantra to live by. I know the Lord will not get angry with me. He is my one true God, but Buddhism is the way I live my life. Buddhism is so intriguing to me. I feel that it's looked down upon, that only crazy people actually believe in it. But it's actually so peaceful and reassuring. It's all about connecting yourself with the world and the universe. It's about living in the present, and going with the flow of life. Not to say that I don't stand up for things. I am a very opinionated person. But whenever something happens that is out of my control, I've learned to just let it go. I like to tell my friends that I live a 'no-fucks-given' life. And it's actually amazing. Once you stop caring about the stupid stuff, the world seems to lighten and open up underneath you.

I still miss him. But I'm getting better everyday. One day at a time...

By Rudy Francisco

Scars
One, if I could, I would nail these hands to the edges of stars I would sacrifice this body to the sky, hoping to resurrect someone that’s spiteful enough to not care about you anymore.

Two, staple me to a cross. Pierce my side with a broken promise and I will bleed all the crippled reasons why you deserve one more chance.

Three, loving you was the last thing that I was really good at.

Four, you wanna know how I got these scars. Well, I ripped every last piece of you out of my smile.

Five, I whispered you stardust.

Six, I spoke you into sunflowers.

Seven, I dipped my hands in forever, I touched you infinity, treated you as if you were the last molecule of oxygen inside of a gas chamber; I was good to you.

Eight. You wanna know how I got these scars? Well, I swallowed my pride and then it clawed it’s way out of my mouth and Nine, I realized that I was never really your boyfriend, I guess I was really just your height man.

Ten, I hope your next boyfriend gets small pox.
Ten Yes I said small pox. Ten, I hate you. ten, I miss you. ten, but I still love you. ten, it’s hard for me to count when I get emotional.
Ten I heard that over 90%, 90% of human interaction is not verbal..so..
Ten, if I could, I would tie your arms to a day dream and then auction you off to my fondest memories. 

To the new boyfriend

To the random dude who started dating my ex girlfriend two days after we broke up (yes, I read that on facebook). When I saw that you were in a relationship with the girl that I thought I would someday spend the rest of my life with, I walked outside. I said to myself, “There’s no way Ashton Kutcher is gonna catch me off guard.” I waited 45 minutes and then I realized, there hasn’t been a new episode of “punked” in almost three years, so I guess I’m the only practical joke in this entire situation.
One: The first time I saw you and her in a picture, I wanted to take my entire arm, shove it inside of the computer and snatch the happiness right off of your face. 

Two, if I ever see you in the street, I’m probably going to punch you in the throat. I apologize in advance.

Three, I’m sorry for hating you so much. And I know that it makes no sense to have this much anger toward a man that I have never met face to face, but my definition of love is being robbed in an alley 8 times in a row and hoping there’s something about today that makes all of this different. There is nothing logical about cutting off the most important parts of yourself then putting them inside hands that shake, that tremble, that crack like a hatian sidewalk.

Four, there is nothing rational about love. Love stutters when it gets nervous, love trips over its own shoelaces. Love is clumsy, and my heart doesn’t wear a helmet.

Four, cupid is fucking irresponsible, and I’m tired of him using me for target practice. 

Five, I was told that time would heal all wounds. But what exactly do you do on days when it feels like the hands on your clock have arthritis?

Six, she always wore her heart on her sleeve. So tell me, why do you look so familiar?

Seven, I think I’ve seen you somewhere in her smile.

Eight, I think I’ve heard you in her laughter, I bet if we dusted her heart for fingerprints, we would only find yours.

Nine, you see I have this envelope, I carry it with me all the time, it’s full of all the butterflies I felt the first time she relaxed the velcro on her lips and smiled in my direction. Most of them are still alive. I can still feel their wings through the paper. I suppose these belong to you, too.”

There once was a boy who loved me.
But he had to go.

Worrying...

1. I did not get a paycheck from my former job. I have $15 in my bank account. 

2. My period is two days late. And I'm not having any cramps. 

3. I have a ton of homework due in a week. It's kinda overwhelming. 

I feel free. These past couple of days for me have been weirdly calming. Yes, the depression still looms, there's still fighting with my mother, but he's gone. Out of my mind. I'm not hurting anymore, I feel okay. I forgive him. And that's that. 

"The world is broken in a million pieces, but the brokenness is beautiful."

My mother expects me to do everything and it's just not fair. I don't have time to be superwoman and complete all the tasks. Sometimes I break down and I start crying and I can't stop to save my life, and then there's just more yelling. Be better. Be stronger. Stop crying. Fix your makeup. You have to be perfect for the world.


Sometimes I can't be your caretaker, mom. Sometimes the caretakers needs someone to take care of her.

I can't help falling in love with him. I don't understand why he is so special. When he looks into my eyes, I can't look away. My eyes are locked to his, his lips curving into a smile. His eyes grow soft and warm and welcoming, like open arms, saying "come here, it's safe here with me".

But I know it's not safe. I know his love is poison. It's blinding and abusive and unfair. In the end, I have to turn and walk away. And I can't look back. He's there. He's always there waiting and it's just not fair. I wish more than anything that I did not love him. I wish I didn't have to see him everyday. It seems that when they are out of sight, they're out of mind. I wish he would go away.

Have you ever wanted someone so bad it hurts?

I miss him so much. It's been over two years, and my world revolves around him. I try so hard to just forget him and let him go, but I can't.

The sadness just grows and the darkness sets in. And everyone turns the other way and pretends I'm not here. And I slowly fade into the black background. Into nothing.

I can't help falling in love with him. I don't understand why he is so special. When he looks into my eyes, I can't look away. My eyes are locked to his, his lips curving into a smile. His eyes grow soft and warm and welcoming, like open arms, saying "come here, it's safe here with me". 

But I know it's not safe. I know his love is poison. It's blinding and abusive and unfair. In the end, I have to turn and walk away. And I can't look back. He's there. He's always there waiting and it's just not fair. I wish more than anything that I did not love him. I wish I didn't have to see him everyday. It seems that when they are out of sight, they're out of mind. I wish he would go away. 

Hi. I feel like shit. Absolute shit.

Nothing's wrong, really. I mean. I quit my job, but that's a good thing because I hate those people. I have camp and car trips and school. But I hate the world. I hate everyone. I am so angry at everything.

So yeah. I felt like telling someone that. So there you go.

Just curious, how many of you actually read my posts? No one actually comments or anything, but I see your views. When I started this blog, I never really thought anyone would read this. It's kind of just a vent for me when I feel that no one needs to here my complaints and whatnot.

I put in my two weeks at my fast food job yesterday. I am actually so scared. I hate working there, and I know I need a change, but this is actually terrifying for me. Last night I couldn't even sleep. I just lied there until like 3 am before I finally passed out. I hate change. It scares me so bad. My anxiety kicks in and assumes the worst of the situation, and then it's all downhill from there. Yesterday at work, I was trying to hand out my orders, and all my customers were asking if I was okay because I was shaking so bad.

I don't know what finally made me do it. I didn't intend to put in my two weeks on that specific date, though I was going to do it soon. I was in the walk-in and I just kind of decided. I was thinking, if I don't do this now, when am I going to get out. Plus I'm going to be gone almost the entire month of August, so it's not like I'd be working anyway. I don't know. I'm just scared. Has anyone else be in my situation?

The only consoling thing in this situation is that I know everything happens for a reason, and I know that God is taking care of me. Though I'm really scared right now, he will take care of me and make sure that everything is okay. I know that when the right job comes along, I will get the position. And I know that if the job is not right for me, it will pass on.

I hate my job, but I love the people there. Maybe that's why I'm so terrified. They're my family there. They take care of me, and ask me how I am, and make sure I'm okay. I'm the baby in the family. The little sister. All the of managers are my second mothers. It's really hard to think about my last day working there. I knew this day would come, but it's still awful to think about. August 6th. That's my last day. It's a Tuesday. My favorite manager will be working that day. She will come in and do counts. I will work line and drive thru. A new manager might come in to train. I remember her complaining because she has to do counts and train her at the same time. And then at 10:30, I will count down my drawer. I will sign my paperwork with the little heart at the end of my signature. Then I'll clock out and walk away. I won't be employed there anymore. I will be a former employee. The thought of this is numbing. I want to just cry and cry. But I know that I can't work there anymore. I know it's not good for me. But I'm so scared. I'm so so scared.

Please, anyone. Has anyone been in a situation like this before?

Back again...

Everything was okay for a bit, but as expected, here I am, crashing once again. Prepare yourselves.

I miss him like crazy. There's so much inner turmoil, that I'm falling into this dark spiral where I love him, but I hate him, and I'm so afraid of him. Every night there are nightmares. Sometimes I wake up actually scared for my life, and some days I wake up and I just feel numb. I feel weird. Last night I dreamed that I slept with him. I cheated on my own boyfriend who loves me and treats me better than any other boy I've ever dated. And I remember thinking, wow. I've had dreams about cheating on people before, but this time it's real. Because these dreams with him in it feel so real. It was like I was raped. I woke up feeling so disgusted with myself. I felt like I just wanted to fall over and die.

I hate work so much right now. I just want to quit. I don't want to be unemployed though, that's the terrifying thing. My mom's like, "just ask for your hours to be cut', and I'm like mom, the next time I ask for anything from those awful people, it's going to be me asking to be cut from the schedule entirely. I just can't handle their shit anymore. They complain about the stupidest things. The drama is crazy. It's so tempting to put in my two weeks like tomorrow, but I'm so scared. It's been with me for a long time, you know? I don't know. Maybe I should like post a yahoo answers or something about it. I don't like change. Even if it's for the better, it scares the shit out of me.

I'm just in a dark place right now :(

Today is not a normal day for me. Today I want to cry. I want to fall apart and just break down. Today, two years ago, you walked out of my life. You tore a part of me out of my chest. You stole it away and took away my life and my happiness. I feel numb. I want you here with me. I miss you. 

Two years.

It's been two year now. My heart still aches for you, your gentle touch, the way you smell, the feel of your coarse brown hair under my fingers. The way we intertwined when we kissed, the way we couldn't get enough of each other. The way we wanted to get married and have children. We planned their names. You said that they'd have to have greek names, and I said okay. Whatever I needed to do to have you. I said I would join the greek church for you, I would learn to speak greek.


It's days like this that I long for you. It's days like this that I lie here reaching for something that I will never have.

Note to self:

When you break up with him, if he breaks up with you.... I saw it coming. The past me saw it coming. And yeah, I'm in denial over it. But we both know this isn't gonna work. The sex is a chore. You love him, but you are getting bored. You've been trying to fix it, because you know you're burning out, and you don't want to admit it. 

Well. When it breaks off, just remember to come back here and vent to yourself. It's okay. He wasn't meant for you anyways. Stop trying to rewrite the past and just move on. 

He said I couldn't get into Princeton.

This is my dream. This is everything I've ever worked for, the hours and hours I put into studying each week.

I will prove him wrong. I will get in. I will build a better future for myself and for my children.

Fuck you.

I feel myself slowly regressing back into the dark little world I used to live in. Things just seem darker now. I should be happy, but instead I feel stressed and absolutely hopeless. I don't even care about my homework or all the tests I have coming up. I just want to come home and sleep. I have no energy in the mornings anymore. Caffeine isn't even working for me. Everything that used to bring me joy has just kind of dulled into a faint feeling.

I don't like this place. It's scary, and I feel so alone and weak. Like life is getting the best of me and I'm slowly just giving in. I tell myself I have only two more weeks, but everyday just seems to get longer and longer, time drags by slowly, and the only light I have is my boyfriend and the few friends that I have. I've lost contact with a lot of them. I miss my dad. My best friend is long gone. I just feel really alone right now. Even the smallest little things annoy the hell out of me. I'm irritable and cranky because of my nightmares.

I just want all of this to be over with.

I feel so angry at the world. I feel so worthless and empty. I feel like I just keep fighting this everyday monotonous war to be better, smarter, wiser, kinder... and what for? So I can go to college and do this again on my own? I want to give up. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up. I'm hurting, I'm in pain constantly. I feel no reason to be here right now. I've been fighting for so, so long and I'm just tired. I'm so fucking tired of trying, of dragging myself out of bed every morning so I can go to school and put up with stupid people all day, stupid arrogant people who will mean nothing to be in a few years. I just want it all to go away. I don't want to try anymore. I come home and there's my parents, fighting, forgetting to pay the bills, to put dinner on the table. To take care of my brother. It's just too much. I shouldn't have to do all of this now. I'm 17. I have the rest of my life to worry about bills and work. My dreams are all messed up. I have dreams of death and hurting myself, of losing my job and having sex with random, messed up people. It's like my subconscious mind has gone crazy. Meanwhile my conscious mind is dying a slow, painful death.

You forgot about me. And in forgetting about me I almost lost my job... The job that is keeping your sorry ass in your house. I buy the food, and I cannot afford to lose my job you dumbfuck.

My body hasn't been taking the switch from spring break back into school very well. I'm nauseous and cranky all the time. Ugh. Please just let this day be over already

Sometimes I really wish you would come home. Sometimes I really miss having you here to tuck me in and snuggle my puppy when she cries for you. I miss our family vacations. They just feel broken and weird now because you aren't here. And we're not a family. We're just a dysfunctional group of people living in a house. There are no "parents". No one takes care of anyone. We have to fend for ourselves because mom can't do this alone. She needs you and she misses you. We all need you. And I know that you need us.

I wish you could love mom. I wish you could look her in the eyes and tell her you love her just like you used to. And you guys would dance around the kitchen and mom would kiss you. And you would snuggle up together on the couch, or by the fireplace. And you guys really loved each other and genuinely cared about each other. But then the fighting started. Dad would come home drunk at 2 am and mom would tell and scream and say you were alcoholic and you would say she had drug problems. She would storm off, or you would too sometimes. But one day you stormed off and you never came back. You just packed your bags and walked out the door. It's like you were never even here. There's no proof that you ever even lived here. All the wedding pictures are gone. All your clothes have been packed up and shipped off. Your toothbrush is gone. Your computer is gone. Everything is gone. You took everything with you and just up and left. And now I don't have a dad. I don't have a family. I don't get to see you anymore. I don't gets hugs and losses every night. I can't just see you whenever I want, and its tearing me apart

People always question me when I say I hate marriage. But this is why. I will never put my children through this. They will not suffer this pain. They will have normal lives. Either their dad will permanently be in their lives, or they will never know one at all.

Please come home dad.

You're all so dead to me. All of you. Whenever l hear a breakup song I have to turn it off because I can't relate to it at all. I think that wave of resentment and sadness is over. I think I'm free. I also feel very moody and depressed today. I don't know why, I just woke up hating my life. I don't want to do anything but just watch movie and eat. Yet I have chem due and it sucks :(

How is it possible to love two people at once, and have a crush on yet another? I love my ex, and I love my boyfriend to pieces, and now I have a huge crush on my lab partner. I don't even understand how this is possible. It really hurts because I want to be there for everyone but I know I'm limited because I have to remain faithful to my boyfriend. Tomorrow is our six month. We finally had sex, which was a huge deal for us because he was still a virgin. My ex got angry at me because my boyfriend saw some texts he sent to me that were pretty crass, and he got freaked out and yelled at my ex. So now he won't talk to me. When I visited him during lunch, he just kind of stared at me for 30 straight minutes and then turned his back to me. I was like, well shit, when you're asking me intimate questions and my boyfriend finds out, yeah, he's gonna flip the fuck out!! For real. Pipe the fuck down.

Then there's my lab partner. This one really sucks because I don't want to like him!!!! My best friend was like "oh, your lab partner is kind of cute" one day, and then BOOM I noticed every little thing he does that's sweet, and he's super cute and smart and gorgeous, and I just can't even. pwerjnvcmpqoiwrns We've been friends for like almost two years now, and I never thought of him as anything but a really good friend. Now he's getting flirty (I think, maybe it's just in my head, idk) and I just don't know what to do.

My best friend is engaged. My other best friend's puppy just died. My mom got a job and then had it taken from her within 24 hours. My dad lost his house, he's looking for a new one now.

Lol sooo yeah, that's my little spiel about my life currently

#thuglyfe
#exceptnotreally
#kayimdonenow
#bai

To my ex best friend-
I'm sorry that you can't accept the fact that I can have sex with my boyfriend of six months. And I'm sorry that you're just a dumb ass. I'm sorry that you think you and your boyfriend of three months can get married. You're genuinely RETARDED.

To my ex-
Go fuck yourself

He thinks I cheated on him. He thinks I had sex with you. He thinks I'm lying and going behind his back to see you. She wasn't trying to break us up. She was warning him because she thinks I'm hurting him. You. You little bastard. You're going around saying I love you and miss you. You're going around saying stupid shit. Why do you have to tell everyone this. What the hell did I do I you. You are the one that hurt me. You we the one that left me. You decided that you were too good for me. I can't even believe you right now. You are honestly the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

I told myself I was done. Yet, here I am dreaming of you again. Holding your hand. Kissing you. I wish my mind would make itself up. And I wish it would decide to move on. I love my boyfriend very much. I only want to be with him right now. This internal conflict is just so stressful :(

I Forgive You

To my ex-
I forgive you, and I forgive myself. We were young and in love and oblivious to the hurt that was going to follow. You have said you were sorry. What's done is done. We can't go back and change what happened between us. Though we will never get back together, I hope that someday we'll be able to spark up a friendship to grant us a little more closure to the rocky ending that we had. You're a good person. You're just not good for me, and I'm not good for you.

To the girl who tried to break my boyfriend and I apart-
I understand you are just looking out for his best interest. I don't believe that you are trying to steal him. I refused to believe that, because I think that you are a genuine girl. He wouldn't think so highly of you if you weren't, right? I understand what you were trying to do, and I forgive you.

To my boyfriend-
I'm sorry that this weekend hasn't gone the way we wanted. I love you very much. I hope we can get past this rough time, and I look forwards to the many happy days that will follow.

All of the sudden the depression is seeping back into my veins. The negatively, the stress, being on the verge of tears constantly. I'm just feeling really down and hopeless. I feel like no one even wants to be around me. I feel so isolated. I feel a black curtain descended over my vision, that weird strain in my eyes to look around me. Everything feels different and strange. I hate everyone around me. I feel nauseous all the time, my jaw hurts from grinding my teeth. I'm hurting.

What hurts is I thought I knew who you were. I thought you were a sweet innocent caring boy. Could I really have been that blind as to what was actually in front of me? Or have you changed into the terrible person you are now? Whenever I see you walking in the hallway, my heart stops. I feel like I still love you. But maybe I don't. Maybe I love the idea of you. Because every time I actually talk to you I realize you're just a big douche. "I could make you cheat". No you couldn't. I'm way better than that. You keep telling me you're desperate. So maybe you don't even like me. You're just desperate to get into someone's pants I guess.

This is disappointing. I really thought I loved you.

What sucks is that I know you're not good for me. But that doesn't stop me from loving you to pieces. I know that being with you will hurt me and I know being without you will hurt me. I know that everything happens for a reason, but right now I'm not really seeing the reason for this pain.

The thought of being with you, being able to kiss you one more time, makes my heart flutter. But I know that that'll make me even more attached. And then when you walk out of my life for the third time I'll be crushed.

But the thought of not having you in my life is equally painful. I feel like you're supposed to be here with me.

So for how, I remain in love with my boyfriend. And I remain in love with you.

You taught me many important lessons. I remember one day I asked you if we were ever getting back together, and you said you didn't know. I said I hated that the future was so unsure. And you just looked at me and said, honey, many things in life are unsure. You're not always gonna know how a situation works out, or what tomorrow will bring. You've just got to keep going. Life is a huge maze of twists and turns that you have to figure out somewhat blindfolded.

And that was that.

I will never forget that. You are wise past your years.

I know I've said it many times, but I'm just not used to the idea that I lost my best friend. I see her going out with all my other friends, hanging out and doing stuff that we always did. My really close friend and her just went out and got manicures. That was our thing. We always got manicures together. I just feel so distant from her, and I miss her so much. It's hard to not have a friend anymore that you can go to for whatever. I'm completely reliant on my boyfriend, which scares the shit out of me, because I know that someday he's going to be gone. And I will be all alone again. With no best friend. No one to go to. It's just hard, you know? I feel like I've just been broken up with or something. It's like a punch in the stomach everytime she hangs out and doesn't invite me. I guess I have to keep concentrating on school and just forget about her. I can't let this get in the way of my studies right now. I have two ACTs and an SAT coming up really soon, and performances in New York... I just have to push it out of my mind and keep going.

I lie in bed on nights like tonight, and try so hard not to think about you. I feel the pain coming on, and I try to just block it out, like an ibuprofen for my mind, just something to keep me sane, and at peace, just for a little while longer. But then the bitter thoughts eventually burrow their way into my conscious mind, and your name pops up on my newsfeed, or our song shuffles on my iTunes. And then I'm left here with a choice. Sit here and cry over you, or just take a deep breath and go to sleep. I'm going for the sleep tonight. I'm getting stronger everyday.

Goodnight. Wherever you are.

I don't understand why you do this to me, yourself. I walk into lab, and find out you switched into my lab day. You wanna know why you did that? Not because you wanted a change, not because your friend is my lab partner. But because I'm there. I know you love me. Don't even try to deny yourself that. You flirt with me the entire time. I just want to be friends. I've told you so many times that I'm done. Because I know that you're done. I know you can't do it anymore. So I've given up, and you should too. But you just keep trying for no apparent reason. You tell me to text you, and I do, and then you like can't even keep a conversation going. What's the point of that. What's the point of starting a conversation. You put on little shows too. You pretend you're depressed, and then say you're not. Well, which is it? Stop playing games. Seriously. I'll be your friend. I'll be there for you. You don't have to keep fooling yourself, fooling me. It's over, alright? I know. I know it's done. Just please. Let me live at least. In peace. Without your games. Please.

I take for granted this safe little haven I've built. I know someone out there reads this blog. I see the little blog count spike from time to time, and none of my posts go unread, ever. Thank you, whoever you guys are out there. I have no idea who you are. I have no why you even read this blog. But it gives me the strength to keep going. Like someone actually gives a shit in this terrible world, you know? It's just nice to know you care, whoever you are....

I love you. And you love me. So we should be just perfectly happy in love, right? Then why is it that I feel so betrayed, so manipulated. So taken for granted, and tossed around like I'm just your little bitch. I ask you why you're angry. "Because you won't make out with me" you say. "Because I want the attention" you say. Really? You feel like you can't just talk to me? You let your emotions control your actions, and only when I start to cry is when you realize how much you've hurt me. Why must it come to that? Why can't you just love ME, all of me, unconditionally, and accept the fact that sometimes, I'm not going to be happy. I have major depressive disorder. It pretty much controls my life. It's a struggle to get out of bed in the morning, it's a struggle to keep my head above water and remain happy. And when you say things like that.... those douchebagy things that make me want to break up with you right on the spot... well, it makes me wonder how much I really mean to you. And why I'm even in your life. What is it about me that you value? Why do you even stick around? Am I just your morale support, your ego boost? The girl who pleases your sexual desires, your trophy girlfriend that you show off to all your douchebag friends? I don't want to be that girl. I want to be your girlfriend. I want you to be in love with me. And I want to be in love with you. But I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm beginning to wish I never even met you. You hurt me almost as much as you make me happy. I've given you so many second chances... but when should I give up?

I forgive you. Even though you hurt me, and said those nasty things to me, I know God put you and I onto this earth for a reason. And I know he meant for us to meet and depart from each others lives in the way we did. He made both of us stronger in this way. He made me a fighter.

I don't love him. I keep trying to force myself to love him. But I don't want to break up with him. Not yet. I'm not ready, but at the same time, I want to move on to bigger and better things. I don't see a future with him, so why should I be dating him? We're going on a date tonight, and I'm actually looking forwards to seeing my friends, not so much him. I feel like such a cruel person.

There is NO WAY we are having sex, because I know he will get super attached, and that's the last thing I need. I've had two people now tell me that it's over. I don't want it to be over. I don't want to hurt him. I want to love him, I really do.. but I just can't :(

Why is he so enticing? Maybe it's how shy he is. How he just sits there and thinks. He coyly flips his hair. He remains calm in all situations and is very laid back. He doesn't try to succumb to society. He isn't afraid of who he is. He just simply is. And that's all he needs to be.

I feel very dissociated. I feel like no one really knows what's going through my head. I have a huge crush on my lab partner. I don't even know how I feel about my current boyfriend. And I'm visiting my ex boyfriend on Sunday but no one knows. Right after my big date night with my boyfriend. Sometimes I just feel like I have too many feelings for people.

I'm feeling feisty today. Like no one can say shit to my face. I feel so strong compared to yesterday. I know what I deserve, and I will not settle for anything less. Honestly. Don't mess with me today. I am not afraid to speak my mind.

Too much pain. Overload of hurting. Knife searing through my heart and my lungs, suffocating me, stealing all my air. Tears blurring my vision, streaming down my face. Hope leaving. Morale falling. I'm falling. And no one can catch me. No one can carry this heavy, burdened, broken soul.

Pain. I'm barely breathing.

I'm done.

I'm done letting you ruin my life. I'm done trying to be the girl that you always wanted me to be. I'm done hoping and praying that you will come back through that door. I'm done looking for you in crowds. I'm done going to the choir room just to see your face. I'm done with you and your stupid manipulative games. I've tried so hard. For almost 2 years now, you've held me prisoner. You've tortured me, made me play by your rules. But you know what? I deserve so much more than you. I don't want you anymore. I'm too good for you. I'm obviously smarter than you, and kinder than you will ever be. I am so sick and tired of your bullshit, of your flirting with me, dangling the prize in front of me only to let me fall on my face. I've given you more that four chances now. I left my boyfriend for you. I left my best friend. I let all my friends down, I let you eat away at my heart and take over my life. I let you destroy who I was. You took all my innocence, you killed that little girl that believed in true love and happily ever after. You used me, and then left me. You let me fall into a depression. You just stood there and watched me fall apart. You watched as little parts of my heart just fell off and died. And you didn't even fucking care. You are a cruel, cold-hearted creature, and you will never deserve my unconditional love. But guess what? Motherfucker, I got right back up. I pulled myself out of that black hole without any of your help. Because I DON'T NEED YOU. You are going to grow up to marry one of those superficial girls, the ones that sit there in class and coat their faces with orange slime and laugh fake laughs, with breathes that smell like bubble gum. Because that's all you are. You are all frosting and no cake. You have no soul. Or if you have one, it's black as hell. It's like you don't care about anyone but yourself. You are so selfish.

You know how I said I was going to punch you in the face? I wonder what would happen. What if I just walked up to you and slapped you. I would give anything in the world to slap the shit out of you. I'll just wait for the prime moment, for you to slip up again and piss off my friends. Watch out, bud.

I wish my mind could stay in one place. One thing at a time. One day at a time. I wish there was a depressant for my over active mind.

The worst kind of crying is the silent one. The one when everyone is asleep. The one where you feel it in your throat, and your eyes become blurry from the tears. The one where you just want to scream. The one where you have to hold your breath and grab your stomach to keep quiet. The one where you can't breath anymore.

The one that you realize that the person who meant the most to you is gone.

I'm shaking with grief and pain. Sometimes I just have to sit here and let it sting. Let all the pain sink in for once and just feel it and let myself cry.Think about him and how much I miss him. How my life would be different if he were here with me.

The only way her heart will mend is when she learns to love again...
When will I love again though?

I'm so tired of being so obsessed with you and my broken heart. I just want to be able to wake up one morning and just forget about everything. I'm tired of seeing your face everywhere I go. I'm tired of having to pretend I'm okay. I want to just be okay. What is even wrong with me. You weren't any good for me. You were a douchebag. A complete dick, an emotionally abusive boyfriend. I want to just move on more than anything. How do I get you out of my head?

I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you. I'm sorry I can't give you what you need. I'm sorry I cause you so much sadness and grief. I'm sorry I can't just be better. I don't know what to do. Do I just up and leave? I feel like that's what I need to do, but I also feel like it's my depression talking here.

Maybe we should just go on a break. As much as I despise breaks and don't really believe in them, maybe that's what we need. Or maybe we should just let go.

"I don't know how long this is going to last. Maybe I should just let you go on."

Probably. That's probably what we should do.

What's wrong with me.

And on that day you broke my heart,
you took from me a piece of my soul.
You shot me out of the sky,
and filled my entire world with darkness, loss, and sadness.
I want nothing more than to get over you.
But no one can replace you.
No one can fill this void in my heart.

I wonder if someday, you'll read this blog and truly understand how much you meant to me. I love you.

I miss you honey. I miss you so much. Whenever I think of you, I have to smile through my tears. Because I know you're safe and you're okay, and the life you're living is good! But I cry because I can't live my life with you. I sit here and reminisce on all the good times and I just can't believe you're gone. Please come home. Please. I would do anything to have you here with me.

You are my strength. I know you are out there somewhere. Just seeing your face gives my body an adrenaline rush. I know I will never, ever get over you. But I just have to continue to take it one take at a time. I love you. Forever and always. I promise.