"Just go to sleep. Don't think about it."

Oh.
I wasn't aware
that life was that easy
for me.
I wasn't aware
that everything is so
cut and dry.
I wasn't aware
that there was a switch
for insomnia
and panic
and depression.

Pardon me
while I step out
and regroup my uncontrollable
emotions.
Because obviously,
I'm doing this all wrong.

Go find a needle
and prick your skin.
Let the blood bead up
and then look at the puncture and say,
"Just stop bleeding."
Because that's how my life is
for me.

Or
go jump into a pool.
Hold your breath,
and just never breathe again.
And when your brain starts screaming
for oxygen
and you start to panic,
I want you to
Just stop panicking.

This is not something
I chose
for myself.
This is something that happened to me
because of YOU
and DAD.
I have done NOTHING
to deserve this.
I don't feel this way for
the attention.
I don't enjoy
the feeling of
dying.
I don't enjoy it
when my limbs go numb
and I feel the adrenaline pumping
and my arms and legs prick,
ready to fight
someone
to make this awful feeling
in the pit of my stomach
stop.
I don't enjoy it
when my airways expand
and then close
because my asthma
is fighting
the adrenaline,
and my head is spinning
and won't stop,
and I know that I
will pass out
before I can confront
him
and what he did
to me.

My heart is racing
so fast
that I feel I need to dial
911
and tell the operator
that I'm afraid
my heart is going
to run away from me.

My heart hates me.
It tortures me every
single day
with memories of him.
It wants to kill me.
It doesn't want to
feel the pain.
But as long as I exist,
so does my heart.
So it is convinced that
if it
jumps out of my chest,
I will die.
We'll both die,
and then we won't feel the pain
anymore.

Maybe that would be better.
Maybe it's better
to give in
to the black smoke
that coats my eyelashes
and closes my airways
and drags me
down
   down
      down.


Maybe it's better
to let my feet stay glued to the floor,
a victim of its sticky evilness.
Maybe when my legs go numb
and my eyes refuse to see,
I will just fall.
I will let my heart beat out of my chest.
I will let my airways close.
And I will just go to sleep.
I will not think about it.

I will finally
sleep.