Everything was okay for a bit, but as expected, here I am, crashing once again. Prepare yourselves.
I miss him like crazy. There's so much inner turmoil, that I'm falling into this dark spiral where I love him, but I hate him, and I'm so afraid of him. Every night there are nightmares. Sometimes I wake up actually scared for my life, and some days I wake up and I just feel numb. I feel weird. Last night I dreamed that I slept with him. I cheated on my own boyfriend who loves me and treats me better than any other boy I've ever dated. And I remember thinking, wow. I've had dreams about cheating on people before, but this time it's real. Because these dreams with him in it feel so real. It was like I was raped. I woke up feeling so disgusted with myself. I felt like I just wanted to fall over and die.
I hate work so much right now. I just want to quit. I don't want to be unemployed though, that's the terrifying thing. My mom's like, "just ask for your hours to be cut', and I'm like mom, the next time I ask for anything from those awful people, it's going to be me asking to be cut from the schedule entirely. I just can't handle their shit anymore. They complain about the stupidest things. The drama is crazy. It's so tempting to put in my two weeks like tomorrow, but I'm so scared. It's been with me for a long time, you know? I don't know. Maybe I should like post a yahoo answers or something about it. I don't like change. Even if it's for the better, it scares the shit out of me.
I'm just in a dark place right now :(
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