"How are you?"

How am I? Do you really want to know? Because I don't think you do. I'm terrible. I'm scared. I'm shaking so bad. But there's nothing to be afraid of. There is no imminent danger. But that's not what my body is telling me. 

The adrenaline is rushing through my veins, choosing flight, instead of fight. My heart is racing, prepared to run, from him. Even though he hasn't hurt me. Even though he's not going to do anything. I'm still scared for my life, that I will fall into that hole again, dark and alone. That the demons in the mind will take over. The parasites that tell me to destroy myself, that I don't belong here. That I'm a burden to everyone else. 

And suddenly I need to get out. 

I drive through my tears. I don't know where I am going. My heart skips when I hear a noise... Like an animal screaming, gasping for air. Primal. In agony. 

And then I look in my rear view mirror and see that it's me. I'm screaming bloody murder because I don't want to be here anymore. I feel like I'm dying, slowly, and no one understands. I am completely and utterly alone. 

I can't sleep. I go to bed at 2 am and wake up at 4 am. I can feel every nerve in my body, curled, ready to lunge, to run away. So I go to the gym. I run and run, until I can't feel my legs anymore. I barely notice that I can't breathe until I have to leave, and my lungs protest every gulp of at. 

~~~

"I'm fine. Just fine."