How I am supposed to feel.

I don't know how I feel. What do people feel when their first love goes off with some other girl.

Everyone says I should be sad. Everyone says I should hate her and stalk her to see if she's pretty.

And yes, I was sad. Simply because the memories came back like a freight train, flattening me against a wall of emotion. And yes, I want to see what she looks like because I'm a curious person.

But no. I don't hate her. I feel happy and sorry for her. Happy, because he gave me the best year of my life. Sorry, because he caused the worst two years of my life. Verbal abuse sticks with you. It doesn't go away. It eats at your core and makes you second guess your self worth.

And that's what he did. He made me feel stupid and worthless.


Maybe it will be different for her. Maybe they'll go off and get married and have babies together.

I want to meet her. I want to see her grow with him. I want to know if he'll call her incompetent. I want to see what she does when they break up. I want to watch her move on. Then maybe I can copy her, and move on, too.