All is well. I am tired. More later...

I managed to struggle through my mental breakdown last night in one piece. I'm feeling fine today. But I keep having flashbacks. Going back to the day he left. The day he gave up on me, on us, and left me all alone to suffer and fall into this deep hole that I'm still digging my way out of.


June 13th. 2011. The emptiest day of my life. It was a Monday. The previous Friday, we had made up our minds to go our separate ways, and get back together later. He described it as stones in a river. He said he didn't want to break up because he would cry every day of his life for two years. And stupidly, I believed him. I thought he would come back for me, that we would be lovers. But I was wrong. I was so wrong.


I don't remember much about that day. I just remember being in a fog. Smiling through my tears. Deflecting everyone's puzzled looks, their questions about what went wrong. I was able to hold it together for about three hours before I just completely lost it. Everyday for a year, we had eaten lunch together. It was our little date, everyday. Without fail. And when we finished eating, he would hold me, and kiss me, and we would just talk and talk and be happy. And in love. But now we were on our own. I didn't have him there with me. And I was absolutely devastated. My friends went and got hot lunch, and I pretended to eat, though I had lost my appetite days before. We went in sat in the hall. They all gossiped and tried to include me in the conversation. But I just sat there. Curled up in a ball against the locker. Trying so hard not to cry. The entire day was a battle, to keep myself put together. While I was sitting there in my trance, he walks by with his friends. He won't look at me. He won't acknowledge my presence. Just walks right past me, like we had never met. And I just lost it. I told my friends I had to go to the bathroom. I ran, locked myself in the stall, and went into hysterics. I couldn't lose him. Not yet. But in that moment, I knew he was gone.


That emptiness, hopelessness, is something I will remember for the rest of my life. That moment was probably one of the most defining moments of my life. Yes, depression is a constant battle. But with depression, I can't feel anything. There isn't any pain to be concerned about. That day, my mind went blank. Numb. I gave up. I stopped caring about everything and everyone. I failed all my finals. I dragged myself to work everyday, and sat through my lectures, writing love notes to him, praying for a text from him. But no texts ever came. He was gone.


But I survived. I'm still here to tell you about it. That day is what woke me up, what made me the strong girl I am today.

This is the emptiness I feel.

I'm scared. I can feel myself slowly detaching from my body. The emptiness is back. I am floating. I am lost. It's because I'm out of meds.

I literally cannot move. My arms feel like lead weights. I can't even cry. Too much energy. I had to lock all my doors and windows so I can't get out. I would do something dumb. I would totally jump in a random lake right now. Or have sex with a stranger.

I think I'm losing it. I'm screaming at my dog for no reason. The sound of someone's voice, the sound of anything really, is pushing me over the edge. I'm so angry. The sound of this keyboard clacking is making me furious. I want to go punch a hole in a wall. Instead I sit here. Everything feels like its a thousand tons.

My bgf won't talk to me. He told me not to talk to him when I'm like this. Even though I'm there for him every step of the way.. I just can't talk to him I guess. My best friend is gone. Can't exactly call her up. My dad left again.

Can I just jump through a window? That wouldn't be considered cutting. The glass would do it for me, right?

What's wrong with me. I'm going insane without my meds.

I guess I'm going to pry myself away from this desk and dance it off.

Goodbye.

I can feel it. It's running through my veins. I can actually smile. It's 4:30 in te morning right now, and I can't sleep. Because I can feel. There's no more weight, just excitement... Excitement to just live my life. My depression is getting weaker. I am getting stronger. I can stand up straight again and hold myself up. I can breathe. I can feel okay. No anxiety, no self doubt, no blackness, and no pain. I haven't been able to just breathe for over a year now. Ever since he left, there's a burden. And now it's gone. And I'm okay. And I don't care if a guy likes me or not, because I can just be me. I can live on my own now. Soon, I hope to get off this medication. I can start living again! I can talk to people! I can form relationships! I can have friends! Ahh. I can be ME. Me. Myself. I can be a person again.

This is all just so exciting.

Sometimes I really wish I had that typical high school boyfriend. I feel like I'm never treated very well. I want a Nicolas Sparks romance. Even though I say I hate love, and I never want to get married, blablabla... it's just because I've been hurt way too much. I do want to get married. I don't hate love. I'm a sucker for romance.

I honestly thought I was going to marry my ex. We had plans made. When I looked into the future, all I saw was him. He's all I've ever wanted. I still can't go a day without thinking about him. But I was stupid, and naive. I trusted him with everything. And that all got ripped away from me. It's been a year now. He's taken up a year of my life. And I hate him for what he's done to me. I just want to know what happened. I don't think I changed. I changed after he was already gone. I still look for his face in the streets, I figure out his class schedule every year just so I can get a smile and a hello from him. He wants to be friends. But I can't be friends with something that I'm still in love with. It just feels like I'll never love someone like I loved him, you know? I lie in bed every night and just relive every moment I had with him. The first time he kissed me... when he gave me my necklace... homecoming... It was the happiest time of my life. And I just feel so empty without him. I've gone out and tried to replace him. Force myself to meet someone new, go on a few dates. But no one can fill this huge hole in my heart. I lost not only a boyfriend. I lost my best friend. And that's something that I doubt any guy can replace.

It's 2 am. I'm up dreaming about my prince charming.

Ever since my dad announced the divorce, I feel like my childhood dream has been shattered. I want to meet someone who will sweep me off my feet and love me forever. I'm thinking I'm going to have to go back into the church if I want to meet someone like that. I look at my old parish and see all these happy couples. I say old parish because I haven't gone to church in months. And I mean months. I'm like that lost sheep in the bible. Yes, I want to get back into the church, but I just don't really know how.

I feel like I've lost trust and hope in God. I trusted him. I trusted that he would guide me through these shitty times, and I just. I feel so lost, and hopeless, and I feel like he betrayed me. I'm hurt that he would put me through all of this. He should have known that I couldn't handle this. I needed help, and he wasn't there when I needed him. I've tried praying a few times now, and it just doesn't seem right. I can't bring myself to do it.

I keep telling myself, okay, this Sunday will be different... I'll actually go to church this time... and then I don't.

I've stole and cheated and lied, turned to other gods, and just. I don't know how to go back. I don't remember how to go to confession. And I sure as hell don't feel comfortable telling a priest all this stuff that I've done wrong. I don't want anyone to know about all the terrible things I've done, because I know that they're going to judge me. I'm not a bad person. I've just made really stupid decisions.

But back to my prince charming. Maybe, just maybe, there's someone like my ex out there. I just feel like I'm never going to love anyone as much as I loved him. Idk. Going through tough times, as usual. And struggling to stay single.

Who are you.

You're not my best friend. You're not the guy I fell in love with all those months ago. Who are you. Would you like to tell me? Reintroduce yourself? You are a stranger to me. You say and do things that don't make sense. You say you will cheat on your girlfriend if she doesn't have sex with you in the next four months. You go out and get high as fuck like it's no big deal, even though you know I HATE that. This isn't you. This is not the sweetheart that I love.

And suddenly, I'm glad I broke up with you. Im glad that this lying, cheating, pothead is a thing of the past. I don't ven want to associate with you anymore. I don't hang out with retarded people like you.

Get your act together. Or else you risk losing your best friend.

I feel funny. I feel free. Which is a weird feeling for me to have. Usually I feel trapped and suffocated, but lately, I've just been.. okay. I'm not mourning the loss of my ex, or the fact that BGF has a new girlfriend. Because frankly, I really don't care. I'm just super concentrated on my future, and getting my GPA back up. Guys are so dumb. I have no time for them anymore. It's suddenly super clear to me that the reason no high school relationship works is because guys are just stupid in high school. They just want head and sex. And weed. That's seriously about it. Later on, yeah, they start looking for serious shit, but right now, they just think with their dicks. I think it's so stupid that society is always like, "high school romance, siiighhh...", when really, it's a bunch of bullshit and a waste of everyone's time.

I think I'm feeling like this because I bumped up my meds to 200. Is this considered self medicating? I'm not sure, but I'm going to ask for it to be prescribed this way. Because I feel okay. Yeah, I feel a little off and foggy, but at least I'm not in constant pain. And trust me, that is so nice to be able to say....

Hey. I can breathe. I'm just super bored and okay, for once. I don't need guys.

Today is an "I'm not going to do anything because I've been working my ass off" day. I have accomplished nothing. Hurray :) Here's to a relaxing summer!

I. I can't. Earth shattering. Heart. Breaking. Glass. Crumbling to the ground.

I didn't take my meds. I'm. Falling apart.

I miss him. I regret it. I want him back. I want someone to hold. Someone to call mine. But I can't. No boyfriends. No. I have to get through this mental illness.

Everyone always says, oh, you'll enjoy the freedom... BULL. SHIT. I don't like this freedom. I don't like this emptiness. I hate not having a hand to hold, lips to kiss, someone to hold onto and say goodnight. I don't. Like this. I'm falling apart.

And this is exactly why I have to stay single.

Ah. It's been a while since I posted. I was super stressed out about finals, and then yeahh. I kinda just forgot.

I think I have borderline personality disorder.

"Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others.
These inner experiences often cause them to take impulsive actions and have chaotic relationships."

Risks for BPD include disrupted family life and sexual abuse.

A few common symptoms-

• Fear of being abandoned
• Feelings of emptiness and boredom
• Frequent displays of inappropriate anger
• Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting
• Intolerance of being alone
• Repeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as wrist cutting or overdosing

 Complications: depression and suicide.

I think that says it all right there.

I just want to be okay again.

So now I have not one hole in my chest, but two. My ex boyfriend was torn out of my life, and my bgf was torn out of my life by his girlfriend. I just. I'm just hurting so much. Losing my ex was enough. Losing my bgf... it's just unbearable.

Why can't I fucking get over my ex. It's just killing me. It's been a fucking year now. A year. And my heart still jumps at the sound of his name, I have to stalk him from my friends' facebook accounts because he unfriended me. I still try to catch him in the hall... One time hurting me just wasn't enough for him. And now all my scars have been ripped open, and he's the one on my mind all the time.

And then there's my bgf, and that's not any better. At least I'm not in love with him. I just love and care about him a lot, and I can't be there for him when this other chick is in the way. She doesn't even know anything about him. I just don't understand why he still chooses her. When he got out of the hospital, he was like "I was held down because I was screaming and crying, but don't tell my girlfriend." Why not?! She's your GIRLFRIEND. Why can't I just go and tell her? Shouldn't you be hanging out with people you can be truthful with? The reason you ended up in the goddamn hospital is because you hid so much from me!!! Jesus fucking christ.

I feel replaced. I feel betrayed. I feel hurt that he can move on that quickly. I can't believe it. I'm grieving. I'm grieving the loss of my best friend. She's just a rebound, I remind myself. But that doesn't stop the tear from building up behind my gentle eyes, my yhroat burning. It's hard to breathe. But I will not cry. I will hold my head high and carry on. I am not defined by another human being. I am strong. And I can do this on my own now. I will fight this battle against depression. I will wake up every morning stronger than the day before, breathing with more purpose than before. I will survive. I am a fighter. And this fighter is not giving up. Not yet.

I'm getting scared. Today I crashed. And burned. I ended up cutting. And just. Losing it. I could probably be in the hospital right now. I just want to get through finals in one piece. After that, I don't really care what happens.

He got out of the hospital today. I just want to hold him and know that he's okay. I just want to know he's okay....

I'm in a daze. I can't move or study. I'm just so stressed and so done. I can't eat or anything. I just sit here.

Maybe I'll watch a movie or something. Instead of watching the little blinky thing at the end of my words move across my screen as I ramble.

I want to die. I really do. I

I just want him back. I just want to be able to hold him in my arms and know that he's okay, that he can't hurt himself, and that maybe for just a few minutes, he won't be hurting. I just want him to be okay. I just want him to be okay....

Tears are flooding, like a dam. I just want to be able to see him. And hold him and never, ever let go. I'm going to go insane if I can't see him.

Twice now
in one day
he has called me,
asking for her.

I texted her.
Not because I wanted to.
But because he asked me to.
Twice.

And I did. For him.
Though I don't want to talk to her,
I did it for him.
Because I care.

Maybe she just doesn't care.
Maybe she's afraid now.
No one hurts him.
No one.
I will guard and protect him
until the day he dies.

I am a cranky crying mess. ahhahaaa. I don't want to get out of bed and do anything, really. Let me tell you. Pre-finals week is a greeeeat week to be pms. >.> not. The sound of people's voices is pissing me the fuck off. I want to 1) take a shower 2) go buy those cookies in a roll things 3) go yell at people and punch a hole in my wall. Yay.

Maybe that's why I've been so upset lately... I didn't realize it until just now.

I'm feeling a lot better now that I don't have to stress over five million due dates and tests. I have finals, but I'm not really stressed over them. I'll be fine. My bgf isn't acting so weird anymore. He says he wants to hang out a lot when he gets out. He also couldn't see his girlfriend because he has no passes off ward. I asked when I could see him and he said that I'll probably see him after he gets out. That made me feel a little better. His voice also wasn't as flat. I don't know if he was hiding it, or if he genuinely felt better. He told me that he doesn't remember Monday and his whole mental breakdown.That doesn't surprise me. I don't remember my mental breakdown either.

I haven't really explained what happened to me and why I ended up in the psych ward. In November 2011, I noticed that I was slowly falling into a depression. I told my therapist, and I ended up going on Zoloft, which is an antidepressant. The only bad thing about it is that it can be very dangerous. When you're on low levels of it, you drop off of it, and do really stupid things. Such as try to kill yourself. That's what happened to both my bgf and I. It's super scary. You just feel like there's no reason to live anymore. You literally cannot see any light.

It was tech week for the show that I was in, late February or so. I had just started Zoloft, and I immediately noticed a change. I was fine for the first week or so. But by the second week, I was feeling worse that I had going into treatment. I felt absolutely hopeless. I wanted to just crawl up into a ball and cry for no reason. It was just this awful sadness in the pit of my stomach that would not go away. I went into a mental breakdown. I zoned out for 48 hours. I don't remember much of anything. I remember staring off into space, and not being able to speak or move or eat, or do anything. All I could do was lie there in my bed and stare at the walls. I faintly remember my bgf (he was my boyfriend at the time) calling me over and over, scared to death because I wasn't talking. I remember his mother also talking to me. And I remember sitting up suddenly in my bed, grabbing a bright red scarf, and tying it around my neck until I couldn't breathe. I remember the instant gratification I felt. I remember standing up and clutching to my dresser, my vision getting blurred from lack of oxygen, as I stared at my dark eyes in the mirror. And suddenly, I knew I couldn't die. Not yet. I still had something to accomplish in life. So ripped the scarf off and threw it at the ground, and sunk to my knees, and cried.

I remember being dazed everyday after that. I didn't go to school that Monday, or Tuesday. And then suddenly, I felt the urge to find that red scarf again. Only it was stronger this time. I got scared and called my dad. I went to the psych emergency on Valentine's Day, and they admitted me as an inpatient on suicide watch. I was very sick. I couldn't keep any food down, so I was on IV for a night. My stomach kept cramping and rejecting food. It was the most awful expirience in my entire life. Then I went up to the ward. I spent a week there, recovering from my breakdown. I got my meds changed, and things got better. I got out feeling weak, but able to at least carry on normal life functions, like feeding myself.

I don't have much to prove that breakdown I had. I do have scars on my arms, from where I stabbed myself with razors. I also have the word "HATE" scarred into my arm. It's a constant reminder of the battle I'm fighting.

I am feeling stressed today. I just want this school year to end. I am tired of all the competition with grades and shit. I just don't care anymore. I woke up this morning with a terrible stomachache. I didn't want to move or get dressed or do anything. I just wanted to sleep. I had to carry like five million books into school today because they're all due to the book depository.

I just can't deal with people right now. And on top of that, my bgf's girlfriend is visiting him, and I'm trying not to think about it, but it's like stabbing me in the chest. I don't want to go to math, or orchestra, or english, or physci. But I don't know what to do. Have you ever gotten hurt really bad and you can't sit still? Like you stub your toe or something and you start jumping up and down to distract yourself and release negative energy? That's how I'm feeling right now. Except with emotional pain.

Someone asked me about my ex today, and what happened to him (not my bgf.. the one before that.). It's funny though... I didn't have an issue talking about him. I was just like, oh, that douche? He just had some major issues, and obviously he didn't see what he was missing out on. My heart didn't jump, I just didn't give a fuck. Score. I did notice yesterday though, when I was making an avatar for Steven Dedalus, that I made him look exactly like my ex. My best friend came over after school and she was like, "HAHAHA YOU MADE IT LOOK LIKE HIM." And I was like shut the hell up. Lol. It really does look like him though. Don't ever date greeks. They're bad news. I mean really religious ones though... if you're not greek, you're not getting into their life. Non religious ones don't care.

Wow. I just want to shoot someone right now.

My best guy friend is still in the hospital (can I just refer to him as bgf? hahah). I called him up today and asked him how he was doing. Of course, he was on the other line with his girlfriend. I wanted to cry. Called her before he called me.

You know though, I made a promise to myself. I promised that I wouldn't date anyone for the rest of 2012. And I know that's going to be terribly hard. But for the past two years now, I keep throwing myself into relationships when I'm just not ready yet. And that has to change, starting now. I'm not over my ex. I'm not over my bgf. I have to have healed from both of those relationships, and get my depression under wraps before I can start going out again. It's just too painful to have to deal with a guy and depression. Like I said before, how can I be with a guy when I don't even know who I am anymore? Maybe this will ease the pain a little about my bgf's girlfriend. I can't date anyone this year anyway. He can date around I suppose. I doubt it will last longer than a year anyway. I give it late fall, early winter. I think right now he's just in that "new relationship" daze. Whatever. I won't let him forget about me.

So we talked for a little. He sounds very sick. His guard was up for so long, and it just all came crashing down. His voice was dull, he couldn't make conversation. He'd lost all the strength he had for so long. Emma doesn't see that part of him. I highly doubt it. He hid all that from me for eight months. Eight. I only dated him for six. I thought he was my best friend. I thought he told me everything. I thought there were no secrets between us, and that I had made it clear that I wanted him to be able to be himself around me. I don't even know who he is anymore. It's like a completely different person. He doesn't laugh. There's no smile in his voice.

I feel like he used me as an outlet to pretend. He pretended like everything was all happy and positive in his life. When I first met him, he was all smiles and laughing, because he didn't like people under his skin. He was super guarded. Slowly, that guard came down as his ex-girlfriend (the girl he dated before me) faded from his life. I told him all my secrets, and I thought he told me all of his. He told be about how he questioned his sexuality, how he was abused when he was younger, how he just wants to be loved and accepted by someone... and I thought I was giving him all he wanted. I thought I was doing a huge favor for him. We lost our virginity to each other, and became incredibly open with each other. He was my best friend and so much more. I thought I knew him like the back of my hand. I thought he was my other half. But I was so, so wrong.

On Sunday, his guard fell to the ground. He collapsed into a mental breakdown. He couldn't hide anymore. He had been pretending for so long that he just lost his mind. He told me that when he was just 10 years old, he watched a man get hit by a car. The man was thrown to the side of the street, and his skull was cracked. There was blood all over, draining into the sewer. And then man looked up at him and they just held a stare. And then life was drained from his eyes. My bgf watched a man die. When he was 10. He told me how he wants to kill people. He targets their necks and just thinks about slashing them and watching the blood gush and the person fall to the ground. He wants to snap someone's neck. He told me that when he was 13 he stabbed himself in the side with a knife. He also told his mother that he wanted to stab her eyes out, and he completely meant it. Ever since then, they've had a very distant relationship. I can see why.

And he was hiding this. All of it. From me. All because I was suffering. I wanted to die. So he held it all inside. He says he "didn't want to steal my thunder".

I want nothing more than to help this boy. That's partly why I get so upset when he chooses his girlfriend over me. I know him better than anyone in this world. I can fix him. I can help him through. I can help him feel, and get him the help he needs. She can't do any of that because he is hiding from her. He is putting on a smiley face, when right now, he just deserves to collapse into hysterics. I want to help him. I NEED to help him. No one deserves to hurt like this. I know what it's like. And I know that it's unbearable. She doesn't know what it's like. She doesn't understand that "it's all gonna be okay" isn't gonna cut it for a pep talk. She helps him feel bubbly on the surface, but she has no idea what's lurking behind that fake smile of his. He's going to explode all over again. And I just worry.

Anyway. At the end of our phone conversation, he asked me to call him tomorrow so that he doesn't feel all alone. I said I would. And then he said he was going off ward with his girlfriend. I just about hung up on him. Again. She can't do shit for him. Why. I DESERVE TO FUCKING VISIT  HIM. I'M GOING TO GO INSANE IF I CAN'T SEE HIM. He just. When I was in the hospital, I let him see me first. Not my best friend. Him. I let him. And it pissed my best friend the fuck off, but I knew he cared more. And I knew he was worried sick. Can't you see? I'm worried sick. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I just cry all the time and daze off into space. I need to see that you're okay.

I just want you to be okay...

I'm in a rotten mood today. I just don't want to be here, I don't want to do anything. I'm in one of those moods where if someone even touches me, I will blow up at them. I'm just angry at the world for being so cruel and unfair. I just don't want anyone to talk to me. I want to just be invisible today. I hate people.

I hate that depression did this to him. I hate that he has to hurt like this and work so hard just to feel okay. It's not fair. He doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve to be abused and ignored by his parents. He doesn't deserve to be failing all of his classes. He doesn't deserve to want to die.

I've also come to the conclusion that high school drama is fucking stupid. Everyone's all stressed out and gossiping and cranky and like. Ugh. I hate thisssss...

I'm hurting. Not emotionally. I stuffed all my feelings down and now I have a stomachache. I can barely breathe. I just don't know what to do. I care about him so much, but I know I can't go back. I just want to take care of him. She doesn't know him like I do. I know all his secrets. I know how to treat him and how to make him laugh. She doesn't. He needs someone right now. His family is about to collapse. His life is about to get so much worse, I can just feel it. His moms gonna get very sock and go into treatment, and his dads not going to know how to cope. His sisters gonna fall because no ones there to support her. And he's gonna be all alone. He's making a stupid decision to switch schools. He can't make friends right now. He can't do school work. He can't concentrate. His parents are going to waste their money that they could be using on treatment. O just. I wish I could do something to fix this family. I don't want him to have to suffer like I did, and like I still am. I want this for no one. Especially him. I feel so helpless.

He keeps asking for his girlfriend. For her, goddamnit. You've been dating for what, two days?! I'm the one that got you help. I'm the one that loves you and takes care of you. I know she's your girlfriend, but can't you just be happy I'm here?! Jesus Christ. I just feel so numb and empty without you. I beginning to regret this break up. I need you. I need to know you're okay. I need to hear your voice more than she does for crying out loud. I loved you for seven long months. I gave up so much for you. She doesn't even fucking care. I care. I'm the one that can't concentrate in school, I'm the one that numb and hurting and crying and failing everything because I'm just so worried. She doesn't understand your pain like I do. She's not there for you like I am. She doesn't know you like I do. I put you in the hospital, and called you and called you, and sent you a letter, and texted your mom. And I finally get a hold of you, and the first thing you say is "I was expecting a call from her." Fuck her. Love me. I just can't do this anymore.

I should have been in class. You should be dead by now. I'm not yours. I shouldn't be wasting my time and stressing out over it. But I am. And you don't even care. Let her do all this shit.

I'm just hurting so much.

I will not let you die.

I don't care if you're halfway across the world, married to another girl in Switzerland. I will not let you die. You are my best friend. And I will guard and protect you until the day I die. As long as you are out there in this world, I will be okay.

I'm numb. You could have been gone. And after your dad beat you, and your mom has cancer... I know, your leg sucks right now. But it's still a life worth living. Don't you ever give up on me. Don't you ever give up on life, or happiness. Keep holding onto whatever has kept you sane for this long.

Fine. Go be with her. But be safe. And know that I'm always a phone call away. I love you. And I'm scared for you.
I have not been able to cry. I think I'm just in shock. I have never seen you that way, never seen you hurt like that. And I am crushed. I have no appetite and I can't concentrate. I'm just in a daze. I just want to sleep and write you letters and just keep calling until I can hear your voice.

I'm in a daze...

I sent him to U of M because he wasn't making any progress. I feel scared and anxious. I just want him to be okay. Everything is in a blur.

Yesterday he said he wasn't feeling okay, so I went to help him. He started laughing and crying uncontrollably. I tried talking to him and he just wasn't there. He was gone. It was so scary to see my best friend like that. So I took him down to my counselor and they sent him to the psych ward, where I was for a little while. I haven't been able to contact him, but I sent him a letter today. He will hopefully get it tomorrow.

I
I'm just. Out.

I'm thinking clearly today, but I'm crying. Just too many emotions going at once. Depression, anger, emptiness, sadness, optimism. I just. It's too much. I'm fighting.

I spilled to my best guy friend why I was so upset when I learned about his girlfriend. I told him it hasn't been that long. I'm happy for him, and I know it's better off this way, but I'm just super upset. He's happy. I wish I could be too.

I'm holding my dog and I don't wanna let go of her to type. Lol. It is 1:41 in the morning and I'm fucking depressed. Okay, not depressed. Just upset. My best guy friend (remember, I dated him) asked my permission to go out with someone. And I was like dude. I don't rule your life anymore, you do.

So I log onto Facebook ten minutes later, and he's in a relationship. And it was like. BOOM hit by a semi truck and slapped in the face and fall 10 stories onto cement and break your back and all your internal organs spill and out. Stuff. I don't even know why I'm fighting to stay in a good mood right now. I should be crying. I am determined not to cry. And this is why.

I'm going through a tough time in my life. I don't know who I am anymore. So how can I be dating someone? That doesn't even make any sense. Dating is supposed to help you grow as a person. Not figure out who you're supposed to be. I'm a mess right now, and I realize that. I don't want to drag him with me. I guess it's time for me to face this thing on my own. This is my chance to pull myself back together. Yeah, it hurts like a fucker. But now I can concentrate on me. I can worry about me. I can be as selfish and antisocial as I want because I need to fix myself. I am my own project now. I don't have to worry about a "second half".

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for a person is to let them go.

He is better off with someone else. 

And I'm better off on my own.

So, today was better than yesterday. I woke up, and I was like YES, the sky is grey. I really didn't want it to be sunny, because then I would be mad at the rest of the world for being so happy when I am so sad.

I have a sinus infection, and the flu. I didn't have to work that long 7 hour shift I was supposed to.

My dad's home tonight. That makes me feel a little more secure. I don't like being away from him. My parents are separated, filing for a divorce. My mom is going to fight for custody, so it makes me really nervous when he's not home. She wants physical custody so that I can never live with my dad. That's really scary for me. I'm really close with my dad.

I'm talking to my best guy friend and watching youtube. Relaxing night, no panic or anything.

All for now :)