I don't think I have ever been so confused about myself and what I'm going to do with my life. I know what career I want, and I have this picture painted in my head of the sort of life I want to live. I want to be a nurse, or something in the health field, and I want a baby. A few babies. And probably a husband, though if my sexual orientation were to change, I'd be okay with that too. I'm so confused right now that I'm second guessing even that. I don't even know if I'm straight, or if I'm just stuck in a relationship that I'm unhappy with. I love stability, and I've formed a relationship around that idea, which is kind of really stupid. I don't really want to be with this guy, but I don't want to be alone, so I'm in this weird "in-between".

I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't even want to be in Michigan, really, but I guess with my dad terminally ill and all, I probably should stick around. No college wants me. No ones pushing me to go to college. My dad's telling me to stop beating myself up and take a break year, but the student loans are threatening to close in.

So I sit here in my childhood room just so confused. I'm technically an adult, 19 and a half years young, stuck in a 17-year old mindset and just altogether really scared of the world. What am I even doing.

Option A: Fight to get into GVSU -- maybe it's just not worth the fight though. It's kind of expensive, and it's looking like I should just give up. I've sent in my transcript, I've contacted Miami with little-to-no luck. Do I just give in?

Option B: Settle for GRCC -- this means I need to look for an apartment. I don't really think I want to live in a house-environment, and I certainly don't want a roommate. So I look for a flat I suppose, with a one-year lease.

Option C: Fuck all this, leave the state, find a community college in like California or something, get an apartment with some other people, start over. Honestly, this is the most appealing, but this means I end my relationship. Also, really expensive, and what kind of a daughter would I be when I know my dad's dying and I flee the state? This is a really high-schoolish thing to do, and I don't think it's smart.

Option D: Take a break year. Look into the full-time student loan payments. Find a job somewhere and just start working. Maybe go to paramedic school or something. Choose a different path.



I think I also just want the path of least resistance right now, so maybe Option B is the way to go. Also, I might not even need to take out student loans, I could just accept my FAFSA grants and use some of my MET fund. Maybe there's a LOFT in Grand Rapids? I could just transfer over there and jump right into work. I also want to look into a car, but I doubt that's going to be affordable right now if I'm going to rent an apartment.

Mostly, I'm just questioning myself and my morals right now. I'm just really confused about who I am, because I feel totally rotten. I have the whole SD problem right now and I just don't know what to do.

C: just shut up. seriously. you're so annoying and snarky and horrible to everyone. you criticize me and my life decisions, every step of the way. this is MY life. you make everyone you feel stupid, because you're convinced you're ALWAYS right. you're not. you have so much more to learn. we all do. you argue about the stupidest little things. you won't talk to your mother when all she's done is love you unconditionally. even when you're an asshole, your mother loves you. you are NOT better than everyone else. you are 17, not even an adult. you don't know everything.

J: you need to calm the fuck down. stop taking everything to heart. my dad doesn't want to talk because he feels like shit. he's dying. sometimes he doesn't want to talk. and i get that. I'm a quiet person. that doesn't mean i'm not grateful, or unhappy, that just means he doesn't want to talk. it's really not that hard of a concept. and you, my dear, don't know everything either. you are just as flawed as the rest of us. stop acting like you walk on water, and maybe you and C will get along easier. the world is not going to bow down at your feet. And about C - IGNORE HIM!! sometimes he acts like a total piece of shit and I get that. but you guys are more similar than you like to admit. you both make everyone else around you feel stupid, and that's not a desirable trait. you may have gone to college, but don't use that against people to make them feel lesser than you.

also, don't call me a liar. maybe i don't want to tell people my life story about how I'm a depressed wreck sometimes, or how my family collapsed when i was 14, or how I was abused, or how my dad is dying. I don't want to tell people I didn't get in to any of the colleges I wanted because of my setbacks. I just want to tell them a black and white lie, because sometimes I wish my life was just that easy.

What kills me more than anything is that you will never see me grow up. Maybe you will, from heaven or whatever, but that is not what I had envisioned for us. I didn't want a trans-worldy relationship. But I know that you are getting old. And I know that everyone has to die.

And I get that, I know that everyone has to go at some time.

I just didn't expect your time to come so soon.

My dad is dying.

My father is going to die. Sooner rather than later. He has stage III pancreatic cancer. There's a tumor surrounding a major artery, perched on top of his pancreas. They can't resect. So he's going to start the cocktails soon.

But he's still going to die. He's sick, and he's never going to pull himself out of this.

Maybe it's because I wasn't here *before*. I guess there's going to be a before and after now. Before the diagnosis. After the diagnosis. And we can't ever go back to the before. That sucks. It's end of an era. The end of the healthy-dad era. When dad could help you with college, when dad was there for you. Now I have to be there for dad. Now I have to help dad. Because dad is dying. And when your dad's dying you're supposed to be there. You're supposed to get all strong and grow up or something.

I just want to avoid my dad at all costs. I don't want to be around to watch him slowly die. And maybe that's selfish, but I don't know what else to do. Dad just LOOKS sick. He LOOKS like he has cancer. He looks thinner. He looks paler. He just looks sickly. And I don't know if that's all in my head, but it seems so real to me. Dad is supposed to be a marathon runner. Dad rides 100-mile bike rides. Dad is a fighter. Dad is a wilderness guy. He loves camping and going to the gym. And though sometimes he gets hurt, he always recovers. He always looks young.

I had a horrible realization the other day. My dad always prided himself on his thick, dark brown hair. He only recently started going grey. But now, I will never see my dad with grey hair. Instead, it will just fall out. We're skipping that stage. The growing old thing. He's just sort of old. And now he's dying.

He blames my mother for the cancer. And my mother blames him for her unhappiness. I hate it. I absolutely hate it.

I am a sugar baby. I sleep with older men for money. I cheat on my lovely amazing boyfriend every Tuesday at 7 pm. How can I do this? I drink. I drink until I doubt my ability to walk, until my speech slurs so bad its almost inaudible. Then, when my emotions are dull and my intuition erased, I allow this stranger man to have his way with me for $1000 a month. I hate every moment of it. I just stare at the ceiling and wait for it to be over.

Why do I do this? I need the money. I'm saving to move in with my lovely amazing boyfriend. He will never know about this. No one will know about this. I will carry this secret with me to the grave. It's a little piece of me that no one can have. No one can truly know me. No one knows what I've been through.

I attribute this behavior to the fact that my father may or may not have raped me. This isn't an excuse obviously, but its more of a justification. I have daddy issues. I was abandoned by my mother. My job isn't enough. So I took on this second job. I'm very professional about it. I do as I'm told.

Someday I hope to never have to put myself in these kinds of situations ever again.

Until then, I'll play the hand I was dealt.

"I've got thick skin and an elastic heart."
Yes. Yes I do. No one will break me. Not ever again.

I miss you.

I miss your laugh.
I miss your crude jokes.
I miss the way you hugged me,
how excited you were to see me.
I miss how kind and gentle you were to me.
I miss the little things,
like how you said you were "going to goose me so hard"
when I did something annoying.

Now we're complete strangers.
In less than a year,
we met,
fell in love,
fell out of love,
tried to rekindle what we had,
and then gave up.
How could all that happen in one year.

Sometimes I seriously question what I'm doing.
Should I move in with my current boyfriend?
Do I really love him?
Do I want to spend my life with him?
I'm so young.
Am I making a huge mistake?
How can I love him so deeply
when I still miss you, and I still miss him.

Also, why do you I miss you so much?
Why all of the sudden?
I certainly didn't miss you when we broke up.
I cheated on you multiple times.
Like five or six times, and I didn't even blink.
Didn't think twice.

How could I do that to you?
To us?
And why do I regret it now, almost 5 months later?

Hey.
I know its been a long time since we've talked. And I know you have her now, and I have him. And I'm happy with him, I truly am. I hope you're happy with her too.

But for some reason, for the past couple of days, the memory of you has completely occupied my mind. Maybe I dreamt of you or something, and I just don't remember. Maybe I heard a song, or saw something. Maybe it was Invader Zim. Maybe it was the flowers that are still pinned to my bulletin board. Maybe it's the note that says "Happy Anniversary!" or the prom picture that hangs on my mirror.

I haven't had the heart to take any of these things down.

I remember your car. I remember the way it smelled like vanilla. And I remember we were supposed to go and buy another one of those stupid tree air refresheners, because I missed the way your car smelled when I first met you. That old blue car. Sometimes the brakes were questionable, and the speakers came unhooked, but it was your car. And I miss it.

I miss spending days in bed with you. I miss the way you would pile up your blankets in a very specific manner.

It breaks my heart to see her on your Instagram, lying in my spot in your bed. Like I've just been replaced. Like it was just that simple to put you out of your mind.

I know she isn't prettier than me. And maybe that's a petty thing to say, but I just hate the feeling of being replaced so quickly, as if it was painless.

It wasn't painless for me. It hurt. It was a hard decision. I remember my hands shaking and I remember crying my heart out because it was over, it was over and there was nothing I could do.

I remember going to breakfast the morning before I left for college. I remember sitting in that diner and wondering if I was making a huge mistake. I remember walking outside in a torential downpour, and I remember crying and crying and crying and trying to make it back to my car with my heart somewhat intact, but I just couldn't, my heart was breaking and bleeding out of my chest, being washed away with the rain, and I couldn't stop crying. And my hair was wet and my feet were wet, and you were crying too. Because this couldn't be goodbye. This couldn't be it for us. Our love story couldn't be over yet. It had just started.

I miss going to the cabin with you and Jordan and Gabe. I miss drinking beer in your room, taking fireball shots. I miss that huge industrial sized fan. I miss how you always had to turn that little fan on because you needed the white noise. I miss your mom. I miss your stepdad. I miss whole wheat, soft bagels, toasted with cream cheese. I miss your sister. I miss your brother. I miss your turtles.

As much shit as I talk about you, and as horribly as I treated you in the very end... I miss you.

And I know that we had to fall apart so that my boyfriend and I could come back together.

But god, I miss you. I miss us.