I don't think I have ever been so confused about myself and what I'm going to do with my life. I know what career I want, and I have this picture painted in my head of the sort of life I want to live. I want to be a nurse, or something in the health field, and I want a baby. A few babies. And probably a husband, though if my sexual orientation were to change, I'd be okay with that too. I'm so confused right now that I'm second guessing even that. I don't even know if I'm straight, or if I'm just stuck in a relationship that I'm unhappy with. I love stability, and I've formed a relationship around that idea, which is kind of really stupid. I don't really want to be with this guy, but I don't want to be alone, so I'm in this weird "in-between".

I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't even want to be in Michigan, really, but I guess with my dad terminally ill and all, I probably should stick around. No college wants me. No ones pushing me to go to college. My dad's telling me to stop beating myself up and take a break year, but the student loans are threatening to close in.

So I sit here in my childhood room just so confused. I'm technically an adult, 19 and a half years young, stuck in a 17-year old mindset and just altogether really scared of the world. What am I even doing.

Option A: Fight to get into GVSU -- maybe it's just not worth the fight though. It's kind of expensive, and it's looking like I should just give up. I've sent in my transcript, I've contacted Miami with little-to-no luck. Do I just give in?

Option B: Settle for GRCC -- this means I need to look for an apartment. I don't really think I want to live in a house-environment, and I certainly don't want a roommate. So I look for a flat I suppose, with a one-year lease.

Option C: Fuck all this, leave the state, find a community college in like California or something, get an apartment with some other people, start over. Honestly, this is the most appealing, but this means I end my relationship. Also, really expensive, and what kind of a daughter would I be when I know my dad's dying and I flee the state? This is a really high-schoolish thing to do, and I don't think it's smart.

Option D: Take a break year. Look into the full-time student loan payments. Find a job somewhere and just start working. Maybe go to paramedic school or something. Choose a different path.



I think I also just want the path of least resistance right now, so maybe Option B is the way to go. Also, I might not even need to take out student loans, I could just accept my FAFSA grants and use some of my MET fund. Maybe there's a LOFT in Grand Rapids? I could just transfer over there and jump right into work. I also want to look into a car, but I doubt that's going to be affordable right now if I'm going to rent an apartment.

Mostly, I'm just questioning myself and my morals right now. I'm just really confused about who I am, because I feel totally rotten. I have the whole SD problem right now and I just don't know what to do.