I know I've said it many times, but I'm just not used to the idea that I lost my best friend. I see her going out with all my other friends, hanging out and doing stuff that we always did. My really close friend and her just went out and got manicures. That was our thing. We always got manicures together. I just feel so distant from her, and I miss her so much. It's hard to not have a friend anymore that you can go to for whatever. I'm completely reliant on my boyfriend, which scares the shit out of me, because I know that someday he's going to be gone. And I will be all alone again. With no best friend. No one to go to. It's just hard, you know? I feel like I've just been broken up with or something. It's like a punch in the stomach everytime she hangs out and doesn't invite me. I guess I have to keep concentrating on school and just forget about her. I can't let this get in the way of my studies right now. I have two ACTs and an SAT coming up really soon, and performances in New York... I just have to push it out of my mind and keep going.

I lie in bed on nights like tonight, and try so hard not to think about you. I feel the pain coming on, and I try to just block it out, like an ibuprofen for my mind, just something to keep me sane, and at peace, just for a little while longer. But then the bitter thoughts eventually burrow their way into my conscious mind, and your name pops up on my newsfeed, or our song shuffles on my iTunes. And then I'm left here with a choice. Sit here and cry over you, or just take a deep breath and go to sleep. I'm going for the sleep tonight. I'm getting stronger everyday.

Goodnight. Wherever you are.

I don't understand why you do this to me, yourself. I walk into lab, and find out you switched into my lab day. You wanna know why you did that? Not because you wanted a change, not because your friend is my lab partner. But because I'm there. I know you love me. Don't even try to deny yourself that. You flirt with me the entire time. I just want to be friends. I've told you so many times that I'm done. Because I know that you're done. I know you can't do it anymore. So I've given up, and you should too. But you just keep trying for no apparent reason. You tell me to text you, and I do, and then you like can't even keep a conversation going. What's the point of that. What's the point of starting a conversation. You put on little shows too. You pretend you're depressed, and then say you're not. Well, which is it? Stop playing games. Seriously. I'll be your friend. I'll be there for you. You don't have to keep fooling yourself, fooling me. It's over, alright? I know. I know it's done. Just please. Let me live at least. In peace. Without your games. Please.

I take for granted this safe little haven I've built. I know someone out there reads this blog. I see the little blog count spike from time to time, and none of my posts go unread, ever. Thank you, whoever you guys are out there. I have no idea who you are. I have no why you even read this blog. But it gives me the strength to keep going. Like someone actually gives a shit in this terrible world, you know? It's just nice to know you care, whoever you are....

I love you. And you love me. So we should be just perfectly happy in love, right? Then why is it that I feel so betrayed, so manipulated. So taken for granted, and tossed around like I'm just your little bitch. I ask you why you're angry. "Because you won't make out with me" you say. "Because I want the attention" you say. Really? You feel like you can't just talk to me? You let your emotions control your actions, and only when I start to cry is when you realize how much you've hurt me. Why must it come to that? Why can't you just love ME, all of me, unconditionally, and accept the fact that sometimes, I'm not going to be happy. I have major depressive disorder. It pretty much controls my life. It's a struggle to get out of bed in the morning, it's a struggle to keep my head above water and remain happy. And when you say things like that.... those douchebagy things that make me want to break up with you right on the spot... well, it makes me wonder how much I really mean to you. And why I'm even in your life. What is it about me that you value? Why do you even stick around? Am I just your morale support, your ego boost? The girl who pleases your sexual desires, your trophy girlfriend that you show off to all your douchebag friends? I don't want to be that girl. I want to be your girlfriend. I want you to be in love with me. And I want to be in love with you. But I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm beginning to wish I never even met you. You hurt me almost as much as you make me happy. I've given you so many second chances... but when should I give up?

I forgive you. Even though you hurt me, and said those nasty things to me, I know God put you and I onto this earth for a reason. And I know he meant for us to meet and depart from each others lives in the way we did. He made both of us stronger in this way. He made me a fighter.

I don't love him. I keep trying to force myself to love him. But I don't want to break up with him. Not yet. I'm not ready, but at the same time, I want to move on to bigger and better things. I don't see a future with him, so why should I be dating him? We're going on a date tonight, and I'm actually looking forwards to seeing my friends, not so much him. I feel like such a cruel person.

There is NO WAY we are having sex, because I know he will get super attached, and that's the last thing I need. I've had two people now tell me that it's over. I don't want it to be over. I don't want to hurt him. I want to love him, I really do.. but I just can't :(