I'm hurting. Not emotionally. I stuffed all my feelings down and now I have a stomachache. I can barely breathe. I just don't know what to do. I care about him so much, but I know I can't go back. I just want to take care of him. She doesn't know him like I do. I know all his secrets. I know how to treat him and how to make him laugh. She doesn't. He needs someone right now. His family is about to collapse. His life is about to get so much worse, I can just feel it. His moms gonna get very sock and go into treatment, and his dads not going to know how to cope. His sisters gonna fall because no ones there to support her. And he's gonna be all alone. He's making a stupid decision to switch schools. He can't make friends right now. He can't do school work. He can't concentrate. His parents are going to waste their money that they could be using on treatment. O just. I wish I could do something to fix this family. I don't want him to have to suffer like I did, and like I still am. I want this for no one. Especially him. I feel so helpless.

He keeps asking for his girlfriend. For her, goddamnit. You've been dating for what, two days?! I'm the one that got you help. I'm the one that loves you and takes care of you. I know she's your girlfriend, but can't you just be happy I'm here?! Jesus Christ. I just feel so numb and empty without you. I beginning to regret this break up. I need you. I need to know you're okay. I need to hear your voice more than she does for crying out loud. I loved you for seven long months. I gave up so much for you. She doesn't even fucking care. I care. I'm the one that can't concentrate in school, I'm the one that numb and hurting and crying and failing everything because I'm just so worried. She doesn't understand your pain like I do. She's not there for you like I am. She doesn't know you like I do. I put you in the hospital, and called you and called you, and sent you a letter, and texted your mom. And I finally get a hold of you, and the first thing you say is "I was expecting a call from her." Fuck her. Love me. I just can't do this anymore.

I should have been in class. You should be dead by now. I'm not yours. I shouldn't be wasting my time and stressing out over it. But I am. And you don't even care. Let her do all this shit.

I'm just hurting so much.

I will not let you die.

I don't care if you're halfway across the world, married to another girl in Switzerland. I will not let you die. You are my best friend. And I will guard and protect you until the day I die. As long as you are out there in this world, I will be okay.

I'm numb. You could have been gone. And after your dad beat you, and your mom has cancer... I know, your leg sucks right now. But it's still a life worth living. Don't you ever give up on me. Don't you ever give up on life, or happiness. Keep holding onto whatever has kept you sane for this long.

Fine. Go be with her. But be safe. And know that I'm always a phone call away. I love you. And I'm scared for you.
I have not been able to cry. I think I'm just in shock. I have never seen you that way, never seen you hurt like that. And I am crushed. I have no appetite and I can't concentrate. I'm just in a daze. I just want to sleep and write you letters and just keep calling until I can hear your voice.

I'm in a daze...

I sent him to U of M because he wasn't making any progress. I feel scared and anxious. I just want him to be okay. Everything is in a blur.

Yesterday he said he wasn't feeling okay, so I went to help him. He started laughing and crying uncontrollably. I tried talking to him and he just wasn't there. He was gone. It was so scary to see my best friend like that. So I took him down to my counselor and they sent him to the psych ward, where I was for a little while. I haven't been able to contact him, but I sent him a letter today. He will hopefully get it tomorrow.

I
I'm just. Out.

I'm thinking clearly today, but I'm crying. Just too many emotions going at once. Depression, anger, emptiness, sadness, optimism. I just. It's too much. I'm fighting.

I spilled to my best guy friend why I was so upset when I learned about his girlfriend. I told him it hasn't been that long. I'm happy for him, and I know it's better off this way, but I'm just super upset. He's happy. I wish I could be too.

I'm holding my dog and I don't wanna let go of her to type. Lol. It is 1:41 in the morning and I'm fucking depressed. Okay, not depressed. Just upset. My best guy friend (remember, I dated him) asked my permission to go out with someone. And I was like dude. I don't rule your life anymore, you do.

So I log onto Facebook ten minutes later, and he's in a relationship. And it was like. BOOM hit by a semi truck and slapped in the face and fall 10 stories onto cement and break your back and all your internal organs spill and out. Stuff. I don't even know why I'm fighting to stay in a good mood right now. I should be crying. I am determined not to cry. And this is why.

I'm going through a tough time in my life. I don't know who I am anymore. So how can I be dating someone? That doesn't even make any sense. Dating is supposed to help you grow as a person. Not figure out who you're supposed to be. I'm a mess right now, and I realize that. I don't want to drag him with me. I guess it's time for me to face this thing on my own. This is my chance to pull myself back together. Yeah, it hurts like a fucker. But now I can concentrate on me. I can worry about me. I can be as selfish and antisocial as I want because I need to fix myself. I am my own project now. I don't have to worry about a "second half".

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for a person is to let them go.

He is better off with someone else. 

And I'm better off on my own.

So, today was better than yesterday. I woke up, and I was like YES, the sky is grey. I really didn't want it to be sunny, because then I would be mad at the rest of the world for being so happy when I am so sad.

I have a sinus infection, and the flu. I didn't have to work that long 7 hour shift I was supposed to.

My dad's home tonight. That makes me feel a little more secure. I don't like being away from him. My parents are separated, filing for a divorce. My mom is going to fight for custody, so it makes me really nervous when he's not home. She wants physical custody so that I can never live with my dad. That's really scary for me. I'm really close with my dad.

I'm talking to my best guy friend and watching youtube. Relaxing night, no panic or anything.

All for now :)