I understand now that you will never be gone from my life. You will always leave a gaping hole where your joyous laughter used to echo. I will learn to live around this emptiness, and build on it. One day it will be barely visible underneath all that I have accomplished. You have left me broken, but have healed me in more ways than imaginable.

I wish I could erase you from my memory.

I wish that I could see you in the halls and not be afraid. I wish that I didn't go into panic when there was a even a small chance of seeing your face. I wish I never loved you. I wish I never lost you. I wish that this eternal pain would subside. Because when it's all said and done, I left here wishing you didn't even exist. I wish you were dead.

I'm so obsessed over you. Maybe I should just die. I'm feeling really down lately.. My life is tinted black because of you. I don't want to be sad anymore. I just want this to be all over.

Every time I go through your pictures I will post here. I will write a blog post and I will not cry. I will not shed any more tears for you.

I will remind myself that I have my whole life stretched out in front of me. I will remind myself that I have no reason to cry, because some day I will find someone to love as much as I loved you.

I will remind myself that brighter days are ahead. I will remind myself to take deep breaths and live in the present, because I can't change what happened between us before. I only have now. And that's all that really matters right now.

That lovely feeling when you find you are prettier than her.

How I am supposed to feel.

I don't know how I feel. What do people feel when their first love goes off with some other girl.

Everyone says I should be sad. Everyone says I should hate her and stalk her to see if she's pretty.

And yes, I was sad. Simply because the memories came back like a freight train, flattening me against a wall of emotion. And yes, I want to see what she looks like because I'm a curious person.

But no. I don't hate her. I feel happy and sorry for her. Happy, because he gave me the best year of my life. Sorry, because he caused the worst two years of my life. Verbal abuse sticks with you. It doesn't go away. It eats at your core and makes you second guess your self worth.

And that's what he did. He made me feel stupid and worthless.


Maybe it will be different for her. Maybe they'll go off and get married and have babies together.

I want to meet her. I want to see her grow with him. I want to know if he'll call her incompetent. I want to see what she does when they break up. I want to watch her move on. Then maybe I can copy her, and move on, too.

Forgive me heart

I loved him so. 

And when I did,

He let me go. 

Its amazing how I never react
the way I think I will.
I'll be fine.
I'll be strong.
And then it happens, and I'm not fine.
I'm not strong.


He has a girlfriend.


These words don't make sense coming from my mouth. Surely, I must be speaking of some other guy, some other past relationship. No. I'm talking about him. HE does. HE has a girlfriend.

I told my counselor that I would be happy when he has a girlfriend. I said I could move on because he's not "mine" anymore. But it didn't work out that way. I wanted to be overjoyed. Instead, I collapsed into my boyfriend's chest, breathing heavily, willing myself not to cry.

I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry.


I chant this in my head over and over. I look at his relationship status. Unchanged. He is in a relationship. And it's NOT with me. How could this be?





stopstopstopstopstopstospstopstsopstop
STOP DOING THIS TO YOURSELF.