Just go. Please stop controlling my life. I see you sitting in the office chair behind me. I'm not stupid. I'm not crazy. Just stop. I'm so tired of seeing your face in the streets, hearing your voice in my dreams. I know what you are. You're depression. You're the face of depression. And you won't leave me alone. You are taking all that I am and crushing me down, forcing the life out of me, and making sure all the wind is knocked from my lungs.

I've been working 60 hours a week, trying to erase his memory out of my mind. I've been working myself to the physical exhaustion point, just to prove to myself how strong I am, and how much I can take before I break down. This is just emotional pain, right? It's all in my head. It isn't really there. I can block it out. I can forget about him, and how in love with him I am.

Yeah, I know. I'm a pathetic mess. I'm so lost without him. I haven't cried in forever, because I'm too busy to cry. I have to much to do to cry. There are much more important things. None the less, that doesn't stop the hurt and the hatred from eating away at my already-shattered heart.

I miss him so much now that I can feel it in my bones, I can feel that I am sick. I dream of him every night. Every night I get to spend hours and hours with him. And he loves me. He doesn't push me away. I am his, and he is mine. And then I wake up, and with every breath I take, I become incredibly nauseous and sick to my stomach. I realize it was all just a wishful dream. He isn't here. He's gone. He doesn't even care about me. He wouldn't die for me like I would die for him. He doesn't look up at the moon and wonder if I'm looking at it too. He doesn't carry the burden of an extremely broken heart everywhere he goes. I can't even remember what it's like to be free from love, and boys. It just seems so long ago. I got my heart broken at age 13, when I was in 8th grade. Ever since then, it's just something I have to deal with everyday.

I hate boys. I hate relationship. I hate love, and trust, and hope. Hope just causes despair. I should just give up. I should stop trying. Caring. Praying that he comes back for me. Because I just get my hopes up, only for him to smash them all over again.

I didn't know it was possible to hurt like this. This isn't depression, this is extreme sadness I am feeling. I can feel in my heart, and my stomach. This is heartbreak.

I woke up a couple of days ago from a dream with him, and I remember being so extremely angry at him. I woke up, and I was just like, shit. Why can he control my life like this. This is fucking ridiculous. Once I had a dream that I walked up to him and just punched the shit out of his face. And he got super angry and started chasing me, trying to hurt me. I was terrified, because I knew the damage he can do. But at least he was concentrating on me. I was clogging up his mind, even if it wasn't in a positive way.

The hardest thing I ever have to admit to myself every single day is that I'm still in love with you.

That is all.

...and as you slowly fade out of my memory and my life, I realize I'm so much better off without you. Look how far I've come without you here besides me.

This is what it's like to be free. I'm not desperate anymore. I see now that I don't need a guy to complete me. I see that I only need one relationship right now, and that's the relationship with myself. I'm still so young, and I have so much time to find that special someone. But for now, I don't want to have to deal with another person like that. I don't need or want the responsibility. I need to take care of myself.

On another note. My bgf broke up with his girlfriend. YUSSSS. I don't know, that relationship was just bugging me. Don't want to date right now, but I just. I didn't like her. At all. She wasn't bgf worthy.

Landed a job at U of M in eating disorders :D Yay! Get to work with more crazy people... just like me!! I'm exciteddd. I actually like this job.

All is well. I am tired. More later...

I managed to struggle through my mental breakdown last night in one piece. I'm feeling fine today. But I keep having flashbacks. Going back to the day he left. The day he gave up on me, on us, and left me all alone to suffer and fall into this deep hole that I'm still digging my way out of.


June 13th. 2011. The emptiest day of my life. It was a Monday. The previous Friday, we had made up our minds to go our separate ways, and get back together later. He described it as stones in a river. He said he didn't want to break up because he would cry every day of his life for two years. And stupidly, I believed him. I thought he would come back for me, that we would be lovers. But I was wrong. I was so wrong.


I don't remember much about that day. I just remember being in a fog. Smiling through my tears. Deflecting everyone's puzzled looks, their questions about what went wrong. I was able to hold it together for about three hours before I just completely lost it. Everyday for a year, we had eaten lunch together. It was our little date, everyday. Without fail. And when we finished eating, he would hold me, and kiss me, and we would just talk and talk and be happy. And in love. But now we were on our own. I didn't have him there with me. And I was absolutely devastated. My friends went and got hot lunch, and I pretended to eat, though I had lost my appetite days before. We went in sat in the hall. They all gossiped and tried to include me in the conversation. But I just sat there. Curled up in a ball against the locker. Trying so hard not to cry. The entire day was a battle, to keep myself put together. While I was sitting there in my trance, he walks by with his friends. He won't look at me. He won't acknowledge my presence. Just walks right past me, like we had never met. And I just lost it. I told my friends I had to go to the bathroom. I ran, locked myself in the stall, and went into hysterics. I couldn't lose him. Not yet. But in that moment, I knew he was gone.


That emptiness, hopelessness, is something I will remember for the rest of my life. That moment was probably one of the most defining moments of my life. Yes, depression is a constant battle. But with depression, I can't feel anything. There isn't any pain to be concerned about. That day, my mind went blank. Numb. I gave up. I stopped caring about everything and everyone. I failed all my finals. I dragged myself to work everyday, and sat through my lectures, writing love notes to him, praying for a text from him. But no texts ever came. He was gone.


But I survived. I'm still here to tell you about it. That day is what woke me up, what made me the strong girl I am today.