I'm so lonely. 

I'm surrounded by people who love me but I feel so alone, surrounded by a huge glass room. No one can reach me here. 

I miss my baby. 

I miss the way he would kiss me and  pull me close when I cried. And he would say "easyyy baby" and that's all it took. I felt loved. I felt not so alone anymore. 

"How are you?"

How am I? Do you really want to know? Because I don't think you do. I'm terrible. I'm scared. I'm shaking so bad. But there's nothing to be afraid of. There is no imminent danger. But that's not what my body is telling me. 

The adrenaline is rushing through my veins, choosing flight, instead of fight. My heart is racing, prepared to run, from him. Even though he hasn't hurt me. Even though he's not going to do anything. I'm still scared for my life, that I will fall into that hole again, dark and alone. That the demons in the mind will take over. The parasites that tell me to destroy myself, that I don't belong here. That I'm a burden to everyone else. 

And suddenly I need to get out. 

I drive through my tears. I don't know where I am going. My heart skips when I hear a noise... Like an animal screaming, gasping for air. Primal. In agony. 

And then I look in my rear view mirror and see that it's me. I'm screaming bloody murder because I don't want to be here anymore. I feel like I'm dying, slowly, and no one understands. I am completely and utterly alone. 

I can't sleep. I go to bed at 2 am and wake up at 4 am. I can feel every nerve in my body, curled, ready to lunge, to run away. So I go to the gym. I run and run, until I can't feel my legs anymore. I barely notice that I can't breathe until I have to leave, and my lungs protest every gulp of at. 

~~~

"I'm fine. Just fine."

"How are you?"

How am I? Do you really want to know? Because I don't think you do. I'm terrible. I'm scared. I'm shaking so bad. But there's nothing to be afraid of. There is no imminent danger. But that's not what my body is telling me.

The adrenaline is rushing through my veins, choosing flight, instead of fight. My heart is racing, prepared to run, from him. Even though he hasn't hurt me. Even though he's not going to do anything. I'm still scared for my life, that I will fall into that hole again, dark and alone. That the demons in the mind will take over. The parasites that tell me to destroy myself, that I don't belong here. That I'm a burden to everyone else.

And suddenly I need to get out.

I drive through my tears. I don't know where I am going. My heart skips when I hear a noise... Like an animal screaming, gasping for air. Primal. In agony.

And then I look in my rear view mirror and see that it's me. I'm screaming bloody murder because I don't want to be here anymore. I feel like I'm dying, slowly, and no one understands. I am completely and utterly alone.

I can't sleep. I go to bed at 2 am and wake up at 4 am. I can feel every nerve in my body, curled, ready to lunge, to run away. So I go to the gym. I run and run, until I can't feel my legs anymore. I barely notice that I can't breathe until I have to leave, and my lungs protest every gulp of at.

~~~

"I'm fine. Just fine."

Insomnia sucks.

All of my classmates are in their beds dreaming about who knows what, and I'm stuck here, in the dark, all alone, watching the minutes tick by, one by one...

I'm surrounded by silence. All I can hear is the frequency of my computer, the beat of my heart, and my loud, obnoxious thoughts. They tell me that I love him, and that I just didn't deserve him, and that I will never be happy again. They tell me to just give in and give up. They force the air from my lungs and I am left gasping and grasping at nothing.

My feet are cold, yet they are sweating. My eyes keep crusting up, like when you go to bed crying and wake up with them swollen shut. It's too hot, too cold, too loud, too quiet. Too hard. Too hard to sleep.
And then of course, this leads to anxiety about tomorrow... or today... or however you want to put it. Because tomorrow/today, I have two major tests. One starts in two hours. I have gotten 2 hours of sleep. And I'm just... so tired.

Please.
Look at me.
Look into my eyes and know
that you are not alone.
That I love you.
That I would give anything
to fix you.

I don't know
what you are looking for.
Why can't you see
that what you're looking for
has been here
all along.
Waiting.
Longing.

I want to enclose you into my arms.
I want you to press your cheek to my shoulder
and just collapse
and know that it's okay,
because I'm here.
And I love you more than
I love myself.

I know it's completely
irrational
to love you like this.
But I can't explain why
I feel this way about you.
You've pushed me away
so many times.
And you continue to keep pushing.

You're intoxicating.

You say you're lonely
and that you will keep looking
until you find
Her.

Why can't you see
that I could be that person
for you.
Why can't you see.

You say you need help.
I try to give it to you,
and you decline it.

Someday,
I will have to leave you
behind.
I can only stay close by your side
for so long.
I continually get
rejected.

But I love you.
I love you so much.
I want to reach through this computer screen
and snatch you up
and keep you here.
Safe.
I can keep you safe.
I can protect you from
the demons that haunt your dreams.
Because I have those demons,
too.
And I've learned
to block them out of me.
They can't hurt me anymore.
And they won't hurt you
either.

So please.
Just look at me.

Someday I will back on these high school days and I will be overcome with sentimentality. My freshmen year full of insecurity, and first love. Of boys breaking my heart, while others stood on the sideline trying to fix it. Of the realization that my parents' marriage was crumbling and there was nothing I could do able it.

Once I was so ashamed of my emotions. I was so upfront about everything. My face said everything about me and how I was feeling. But now, no one can tell. I smile through my pain and laugh through my anger and no one ever knows what's going on behind closed doors.

When I let myself cry, I scare myself, because the noises coming from my mouth sound like a tortured animal. My voice cracks until I'm sure my vocal chords are going to break. I scream.