And on that day you broke my heart,
you took from me a piece of my soul.
You shot me out of the sky,
and filled my entire world with darkness, loss, and sadness.
I want nothing more than to get over you.
But no one can replace you.
No one can fill this void in my heart.

I wonder if someday, you'll read this blog and truly understand how much you meant to me. I love you.

I miss you honey. I miss you so much. Whenever I think of you, I have to smile through my tears. Because I know you're safe and you're okay, and the life you're living is good! But I cry because I can't live my life with you. I sit here and reminisce on all the good times and I just can't believe you're gone. Please come home. Please. I would do anything to have you here with me.

You are my strength. I know you are out there somewhere. Just seeing your face gives my body an adrenaline rush. I know I will never, ever get over you. But I just have to continue to take it one take at a time. I love you. Forever and always. I promise.

This morning, most people were opening presents under their trees with their close family and people they love. Just count yourself lucky and know that some people aren't as fortunate as you. Some people didn't have presents. Some didn't have family. Some didn't have both. I didn't ask for anything for Christmas this year. I didn't want anything, I just wanted to be close to my family. I just wanted a hug from my dad, who has basically gone MIA. He refuses to see me or my family. He says he hates my mother. I just wanted a hug. That's all I wanted. I wanted to bury my head against his chest and smell his sweater and just feel safe and know that everything was okay. But no. I had to play the parent today. I had to give everyone else all the fancy presents. I had to work overtime to provide for my family and pay the bills. I had to drive my family to visit relatives. I had to do all of that and it's just not fair. I'm 16. Why can't I just play the role of a teenage daughter. Why can't I have controlling, bossy, unfair parents who watch my every move and make my life miserable. Why can't I have parents. Who are married. Who love each other. Why can't I have a family. I just want a family. A functional one, not a dysfunctional one.

I have always gotten what I wanted for Christmas. But this year, all I got was a broken heart.

I miss you dad. I just wish you would come home.

I love you.

It's not pathetic that I cried myself to sleep for two months after you left. It's not pathetic that I went and threw that stupid necklace in the pond, or went to church every week and prayed to God to just make the pain go away. It's not even pathetic that I blocked you on Facebook after I gave you a second chance. No, what's pathetic is that after all of that, I'm still completely, irrevocably in love with you. And nothing will ever take that way. My heart skipped when you added me on snapchat. I literally stopped breathing when I got your Facebook friend request. I just wish you were my baby. I here my friends gossiping about you, and how "all you want is a girlfriend to love you". That could be me. I will love you until the end of time, regardless of where we end up in life, regardless of how much you don't even care about me. I will always be here waiting for you. For the day you change your mind. I will give you 3rd and 4th chances because you were my everything, and you deserve it. Until then, I will accept the fact that you don't want me anymore, and continue to live my life with one important piece missing: you.

I'm feeling kinda numb. My life's sorta falling apart again. My ex is in some hospital in another state on suicide watch. My parents found out about all the abuse. And my boyfriend is acting super weird. I just failed a math test. I have two more tests today. I can't feel my arms. I feel so nauseous and scared. It's hard to see the future. I guess I'll just take it one day at a time and keep smiling. I have no more tears left to cry.

My ex boyfriend was just admitted to the psych ward. Again. No words can describe this shock I'm in. He needed me. And I wasn't there for him. He just needs someone to be there for him and I'm so selfish that I just... Pushed him out of my life. I'm just. I can't believe I let this happen. I should have known. I should have seen the pain in his eyes. He's my ex, but we used to be best friends. I know him better than anyone in this world. It's my job to take care of him, my job to make sure he's okay. And I let him down. I let him fall.

What did I do.