My lungs gasp for air

As I grasp the shattered pieces 

Of who I used to be. 

Through gritted teeth,

I fight the gangly hand

That fight to pull me

Beneath the ground  

I hide.

I hide behind this
broken mask,
this broken body.
I hide so that no one
can hurt
me.

They try to.
They attack
the shell
of me.
But since the real me
is hidden,
they never really attack
me.

I hide behind the fact that
a family member
touched me
in places
I did not want to be touched.
I was not even talking
yet.
When he stole my
innocence
away from me,
on the changing table
in my nursery.

Changing table.
That's ironic,
isn't it?
Yeah,
he changed me
alright.

No one knows
the real truths
about me.
I hide behind
scar tissue
and purple rims
around my eyes
from my nights
that lacked rest.

I hide behind the fact that
no one
will truly understand
how scared
I am.

I am afraid
of men.
I am afraid,
that they will corner me
and hurt me
just like that man did.
I expect them
to hurt me.

I don't expect anyone
to love me.

I expect every man
I will ever know
to lust after me,
but never truly
want me.
They use me,
and then throw me away
with their used
condoms.



My eyelids are
heavy.
It is 5:26 AM.

I will finally
find solace,
and sleep.

"Just go to sleep. Don't think about it."

Oh.
I wasn't aware
that life was that easy
for me.
I wasn't aware
that everything is so
cut and dry.
I wasn't aware
that there was a switch
for insomnia
and panic
and depression.

Pardon me
while I step out
and regroup my uncontrollable
emotions.
Because obviously,
I'm doing this all wrong.

Go find a needle
and prick your skin.
Let the blood bead up
and then look at the puncture and say,
"Just stop bleeding."
Because that's how my life is
for me.

Or
go jump into a pool.
Hold your breath,
and just never breathe again.
And when your brain starts screaming
for oxygen
and you start to panic,
I want you to
Just stop panicking.

This is not something
I chose
for myself.
This is something that happened to me
because of YOU
and DAD.
I have done NOTHING
to deserve this.
I don't feel this way for
the attention.
I don't enjoy
the feeling of
dying.
I don't enjoy it
when my limbs go numb
and I feel the adrenaline pumping
and my arms and legs prick,
ready to fight
someone
to make this awful feeling
in the pit of my stomach
stop.
I don't enjoy it
when my airways expand
and then close
because my asthma
is fighting
the adrenaline,
and my head is spinning
and won't stop,
and I know that I
will pass out
before I can confront
him
and what he did
to me.

My heart is racing
so fast
that I feel I need to dial
911
and tell the operator
that I'm afraid
my heart is going
to run away from me.

My heart hates me.
It tortures me every
single day
with memories of him.
It wants to kill me.
It doesn't want to
feel the pain.
But as long as I exist,
so does my heart.
So it is convinced that
if it
jumps out of my chest,
I will die.
We'll both die,
and then we won't feel the pain
anymore.

Maybe that would be better.
Maybe it's better
to give in
to the black smoke
that coats my eyelashes
and closes my airways
and drags me
down
   down
      down.


Maybe it's better
to let my feet stay glued to the floor,
a victim of its sticky evilness.
Maybe when my legs go numb
and my eyes refuse to see,
I will just fall.
I will let my heart beat out of my chest.
I will let my airways close.
And I will just go to sleep.
I will not think about it.

I will finally
sleep.

You made an impact on my life that will never be erased. 

The shock is wearing off and I am realizing that you're really gone. I catch myself crying every once in a while for my baby, but I know that when I leave, this will all be a distant memory. I will remember the way I loved you and the way you loved me. I will keep you safely locked away in my heart, because I will never be able to erase you. I will pull you out from time to time to reminisce. 

And I will surely remember you on my wedding day, as I am swept away by another man. You will cross my mind, and I will be reminded of all the things I learned from you that led to who I am now. I will remember your tolerance and patience. I will remember how you taught me to let go, to laugh. I will remember how witty you were, how quick you were to lighten up the room with your humor. And I will smile. I will not cry because lost you. I will smile because I had you, and you shaped me. You continued to shape me long after you were gone. 

I will always hold you close to my heart. 

I'm so lonely. 

I'm surrounded by people who love me but I feel so alone, surrounded by a huge glass room. No one can reach me here. 

I miss my baby. 

I miss the way he would kiss me and  pull me close when I cried. And he would say "easyyy baby" and that's all it took. I felt loved. I felt not so alone anymore. 

"How are you?"

How am I? Do you really want to know? Because I don't think you do. I'm terrible. I'm scared. I'm shaking so bad. But there's nothing to be afraid of. There is no imminent danger. But that's not what my body is telling me. 

The adrenaline is rushing through my veins, choosing flight, instead of fight. My heart is racing, prepared to run, from him. Even though he hasn't hurt me. Even though he's not going to do anything. I'm still scared for my life, that I will fall into that hole again, dark and alone. That the demons in the mind will take over. The parasites that tell me to destroy myself, that I don't belong here. That I'm a burden to everyone else. 

And suddenly I need to get out. 

I drive through my tears. I don't know where I am going. My heart skips when I hear a noise... Like an animal screaming, gasping for air. Primal. In agony. 

And then I look in my rear view mirror and see that it's me. I'm screaming bloody murder because I don't want to be here anymore. I feel like I'm dying, slowly, and no one understands. I am completely and utterly alone. 

I can't sleep. I go to bed at 2 am and wake up at 4 am. I can feel every nerve in my body, curled, ready to lunge, to run away. So I go to the gym. I run and run, until I can't feel my legs anymore. I barely notice that I can't breathe until I have to leave, and my lungs protest every gulp of at. 

~~~

"I'm fine. Just fine."

"How are you?"

How am I? Do you really want to know? Because I don't think you do. I'm terrible. I'm scared. I'm shaking so bad. But there's nothing to be afraid of. There is no imminent danger. But that's not what my body is telling me.

The adrenaline is rushing through my veins, choosing flight, instead of fight. My heart is racing, prepared to run, from him. Even though he hasn't hurt me. Even though he's not going to do anything. I'm still scared for my life, that I will fall into that hole again, dark and alone. That the demons in the mind will take over. The parasites that tell me to destroy myself, that I don't belong here. That I'm a burden to everyone else.

And suddenly I need to get out.

I drive through my tears. I don't know where I am going. My heart skips when I hear a noise... Like an animal screaming, gasping for air. Primal. In agony.

And then I look in my rear view mirror and see that it's me. I'm screaming bloody murder because I don't want to be here anymore. I feel like I'm dying, slowly, and no one understands. I am completely and utterly alone.

I can't sleep. I go to bed at 2 am and wake up at 4 am. I can feel every nerve in my body, curled, ready to lunge, to run away. So I go to the gym. I run and run, until I can't feel my legs anymore. I barely notice that I can't breathe until I have to leave, and my lungs protest every gulp of at.

~~~

"I'm fine. Just fine."

Insomnia sucks.

All of my classmates are in their beds dreaming about who knows what, and I'm stuck here, in the dark, all alone, watching the minutes tick by, one by one...

I'm surrounded by silence. All I can hear is the frequency of my computer, the beat of my heart, and my loud, obnoxious thoughts. They tell me that I love him, and that I just didn't deserve him, and that I will never be happy again. They tell me to just give in and give up. They force the air from my lungs and I am left gasping and grasping at nothing.

My feet are cold, yet they are sweating. My eyes keep crusting up, like when you go to bed crying and wake up with them swollen shut. It's too hot, too cold, too loud, too quiet. Too hard. Too hard to sleep.
And then of course, this leads to anxiety about tomorrow... or today... or however you want to put it. Because tomorrow/today, I have two major tests. One starts in two hours. I have gotten 2 hours of sleep. And I'm just... so tired.

Please.
Look at me.
Look into my eyes and know
that you are not alone.
That I love you.
That I would give anything
to fix you.

I don't know
what you are looking for.
Why can't you see
that what you're looking for
has been here
all along.
Waiting.
Longing.

I want to enclose you into my arms.
I want you to press your cheek to my shoulder
and just collapse
and know that it's okay,
because I'm here.
And I love you more than
I love myself.

I know it's completely
irrational
to love you like this.
But I can't explain why
I feel this way about you.
You've pushed me away
so many times.
And you continue to keep pushing.

You're intoxicating.

You say you're lonely
and that you will keep looking
until you find
Her.

Why can't you see
that I could be that person
for you.
Why can't you see.

You say you need help.
I try to give it to you,
and you decline it.

Someday,
I will have to leave you
behind.
I can only stay close by your side
for so long.
I continually get
rejected.

But I love you.
I love you so much.
I want to reach through this computer screen
and snatch you up
and keep you here.
Safe.
I can keep you safe.
I can protect you from
the demons that haunt your dreams.
Because I have those demons,
too.
And I've learned
to block them out of me.
They can't hurt me anymore.
And they won't hurt you
either.

So please.
Just look at me.

Someday I will back on these high school days and I will be overcome with sentimentality. My freshmen year full of insecurity, and first love. Of boys breaking my heart, while others stood on the sideline trying to fix it. Of the realization that my parents' marriage was crumbling and there was nothing I could do able it.

Once I was so ashamed of my emotions. I was so upfront about everything. My face said everything about me and how I was feeling. But now, no one can tell. I smile through my pain and laugh through my anger and no one ever knows what's going on behind closed doors.

When I let myself cry, I scare myself, because the noises coming from my mouth sound like a tortured animal. My voice cracks until I'm sure my vocal chords are going to break. I scream.