I know I've said it many times, but I'm just not used to the idea that I lost my best friend. I see her going out with all my other friends, hanging out and doing stuff that we always did. My really close friend and her just went out and got manicures. That was our thing. We always got manicures together. I just feel so distant from her, and I miss her so much. It's hard to not have a friend anymore that you can go to for whatever. I'm completely reliant on my boyfriend, which scares the shit out of me, because I know that someday he's going to be gone. And I will be all alone again. With no best friend. No one to go to. It's just hard, you know? I feel like I've just been broken up with or something. It's like a punch in the stomach everytime she hangs out and doesn't invite me. I guess I have to keep concentrating on school and just forget about her. I can't let this get in the way of my studies right now. I have two ACTs and an SAT coming up really soon, and performances in New York... I just have to push it out of my mind and keep going.

I lie in bed on nights like tonight, and try so hard not to think about you. I feel the pain coming on, and I try to just block it out, like an ibuprofen for my mind, just something to keep me sane, and at peace, just for a little while longer. But then the bitter thoughts eventually burrow their way into my conscious mind, and your name pops up on my newsfeed, or our song shuffles on my iTunes. And then I'm left here with a choice. Sit here and cry over you, or just take a deep breath and go to sleep. I'm going for the sleep tonight. I'm getting stronger everyday.

Goodnight. Wherever you are.

I don't understand why you do this to me, yourself. I walk into lab, and find out you switched into my lab day. You wanna know why you did that? Not because you wanted a change, not because your friend is my lab partner. But because I'm there. I know you love me. Don't even try to deny yourself that. You flirt with me the entire time. I just want to be friends. I've told you so many times that I'm done. Because I know that you're done. I know you can't do it anymore. So I've given up, and you should too. But you just keep trying for no apparent reason. You tell me to text you, and I do, and then you like can't even keep a conversation going. What's the point of that. What's the point of starting a conversation. You put on little shows too. You pretend you're depressed, and then say you're not. Well, which is it? Stop playing games. Seriously. I'll be your friend. I'll be there for you. You don't have to keep fooling yourself, fooling me. It's over, alright? I know. I know it's done. Just please. Let me live at least. In peace. Without your games. Please.

I take for granted this safe little haven I've built. I know someone out there reads this blog. I see the little blog count spike from time to time, and none of my posts go unread, ever. Thank you, whoever you guys are out there. I have no idea who you are. I have no why you even read this blog. But it gives me the strength to keep going. Like someone actually gives a shit in this terrible world, you know? It's just nice to know you care, whoever you are....

I love you. And you love me. So we should be just perfectly happy in love, right? Then why is it that I feel so betrayed, so manipulated. So taken for granted, and tossed around like I'm just your little bitch. I ask you why you're angry. "Because you won't make out with me" you say. "Because I want the attention" you say. Really? You feel like you can't just talk to me? You let your emotions control your actions, and only when I start to cry is when you realize how much you've hurt me. Why must it come to that? Why can't you just love ME, all of me, unconditionally, and accept the fact that sometimes, I'm not going to be happy. I have major depressive disorder. It pretty much controls my life. It's a struggle to get out of bed in the morning, it's a struggle to keep my head above water and remain happy. And when you say things like that.... those douchebagy things that make me want to break up with you right on the spot... well, it makes me wonder how much I really mean to you. And why I'm even in your life. What is it about me that you value? Why do you even stick around? Am I just your morale support, your ego boost? The girl who pleases your sexual desires, your trophy girlfriend that you show off to all your douchebag friends? I don't want to be that girl. I want to be your girlfriend. I want you to be in love with me. And I want to be in love with you. But I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm beginning to wish I never even met you. You hurt me almost as much as you make me happy. I've given you so many second chances... but when should I give up?

I forgive you. Even though you hurt me, and said those nasty things to me, I know God put you and I onto this earth for a reason. And I know he meant for us to meet and depart from each others lives in the way we did. He made both of us stronger in this way. He made me a fighter.

I don't love him. I keep trying to force myself to love him. But I don't want to break up with him. Not yet. I'm not ready, but at the same time, I want to move on to bigger and better things. I don't see a future with him, so why should I be dating him? We're going on a date tonight, and I'm actually looking forwards to seeing my friends, not so much him. I feel like such a cruel person.

There is NO WAY we are having sex, because I know he will get super attached, and that's the last thing I need. I've had two people now tell me that it's over. I don't want it to be over. I don't want to hurt him. I want to love him, I really do.. but I just can't :(

Why is he so enticing? Maybe it's how shy he is. How he just sits there and thinks. He coyly flips his hair. He remains calm in all situations and is very laid back. He doesn't try to succumb to society. He isn't afraid of who he is. He just simply is. And that's all he needs to be.

I feel very dissociated. I feel like no one really knows what's going through my head. I have a huge crush on my lab partner. I don't even know how I feel about my current boyfriend. And I'm visiting my ex boyfriend on Sunday but no one knows. Right after my big date night with my boyfriend. Sometimes I just feel like I have too many feelings for people.

I'm feeling feisty today. Like no one can say shit to my face. I feel so strong compared to yesterday. I know what I deserve, and I will not settle for anything less. Honestly. Don't mess with me today. I am not afraid to speak my mind.

Too much pain. Overload of hurting. Knife searing through my heart and my lungs, suffocating me, stealing all my air. Tears blurring my vision, streaming down my face. Hope leaving. Morale falling. I'm falling. And no one can catch me. No one can carry this heavy, burdened, broken soul.

Pain. I'm barely breathing.

I'm done.

I'm done letting you ruin my life. I'm done trying to be the girl that you always wanted me to be. I'm done hoping and praying that you will come back through that door. I'm done looking for you in crowds. I'm done going to the choir room just to see your face. I'm done with you and your stupid manipulative games. I've tried so hard. For almost 2 years now, you've held me prisoner. You've tortured me, made me play by your rules. But you know what? I deserve so much more than you. I don't want you anymore. I'm too good for you. I'm obviously smarter than you, and kinder than you will ever be. I am so sick and tired of your bullshit, of your flirting with me, dangling the prize in front of me only to let me fall on my face. I've given you more that four chances now. I left my boyfriend for you. I left my best friend. I let all my friends down, I let you eat away at my heart and take over my life. I let you destroy who I was. You took all my innocence, you killed that little girl that believed in true love and happily ever after. You used me, and then left me. You let me fall into a depression. You just stood there and watched me fall apart. You watched as little parts of my heart just fell off and died. And you didn't even fucking care. You are a cruel, cold-hearted creature, and you will never deserve my unconditional love. But guess what? Motherfucker, I got right back up. I pulled myself out of that black hole without any of your help. Because I DON'T NEED YOU. You are going to grow up to marry one of those superficial girls, the ones that sit there in class and coat their faces with orange slime and laugh fake laughs, with breathes that smell like bubble gum. Because that's all you are. You are all frosting and no cake. You have no soul. Or if you have one, it's black as hell. It's like you don't care about anyone but yourself. You are so selfish.

You know how I said I was going to punch you in the face? I wonder what would happen. What if I just walked up to you and slapped you. I would give anything in the world to slap the shit out of you. I'll just wait for the prime moment, for you to slip up again and piss off my friends. Watch out, bud.