Worrying...

1. I did not get a paycheck from my former job. I have $15 in my bank account. 

2. My period is two days late. And I'm not having any cramps. 

3. I have a ton of homework due in a week. It's kinda overwhelming. 

I feel free. These past couple of days for me have been weirdly calming. Yes, the depression still looms, there's still fighting with my mother, but he's gone. Out of my mind. I'm not hurting anymore, I feel okay. I forgive him. And that's that. 

"The world is broken in a million pieces, but the brokenness is beautiful."

My mother expects me to do everything and it's just not fair. I don't have time to be superwoman and complete all the tasks. Sometimes I break down and I start crying and I can't stop to save my life, and then there's just more yelling. Be better. Be stronger. Stop crying. Fix your makeup. You have to be perfect for the world.


Sometimes I can't be your caretaker, mom. Sometimes the caretakers needs someone to take care of her.

I can't help falling in love with him. I don't understand why he is so special. When he looks into my eyes, I can't look away. My eyes are locked to his, his lips curving into a smile. His eyes grow soft and warm and welcoming, like open arms, saying "come here, it's safe here with me".

But I know it's not safe. I know his love is poison. It's blinding and abusive and unfair. In the end, I have to turn and walk away. And I can't look back. He's there. He's always there waiting and it's just not fair. I wish more than anything that I did not love him. I wish I didn't have to see him everyday. It seems that when they are out of sight, they're out of mind. I wish he would go away.

Have you ever wanted someone so bad it hurts?

I miss him so much. It's been over two years, and my world revolves around him. I try so hard to just forget him and let him go, but I can't.

The sadness just grows and the darkness sets in. And everyone turns the other way and pretends I'm not here. And I slowly fade into the black background. Into nothing.

I can't help falling in love with him. I don't understand why he is so special. When he looks into my eyes, I can't look away. My eyes are locked to his, his lips curving into a smile. His eyes grow soft and warm and welcoming, like open arms, saying "come here, it's safe here with me". 

But I know it's not safe. I know his love is poison. It's blinding and abusive and unfair. In the end, I have to turn and walk away. And I can't look back. He's there. He's always there waiting and it's just not fair. I wish more than anything that I did not love him. I wish I didn't have to see him everyday. It seems that when they are out of sight, they're out of mind. I wish he would go away.