I think I've reached the point of giving up, of surrendering to the fact that I will never be good enough for you. I feel sorry for you, and I want you to be happy. I know what it's like to obsess over someone. I know what it's like to do anything for them, be anything for them. I know how completely debilitating it is, and I know that you will try and try to replace them, but its never quite the same.

When you go and visit her in November, treasure every moment with her. Be thankful that she wants you as much as you want her. Bask in the happiness that she brings, treasure every time your heart skips a beat, because it means you're in love. Hold on to that feeling, hold onto her, and never, ever let go.

I choose to be happy for you. I choose to surrender to the sadness. I will be dragged down a long, long way. But I know I'll resurface. I won't drown this time.

I'm just sorry I wasn't good enough.

I fell in love with his hands on his guitar 

The sound of sharp drums rocking my ears

And there was him

And me 

And he may never love me

But that's okay. Because I have now. For now he is mine. 

You feel a lit shock 

So don't try and deny it when you're sober 

Also his face. Soft, babyish. It's the innocence that's left. 

And when he says follow me you know you will 

You always will. 

And when he brags, maybe that's not him because cocky. He just needs it to feel better. Why would you take away that descent feelings?

It's even more beautiful when he closes his eyes because he's lost in his thoughts. Which is amazing because he never wants to be caught in her thoughts. 

I feel like if I don't write right now I'm going say something I regret. Maybe if I'm drunk I'll say it and it'll be okay, but right now I feel like crying, because you love her, and not me. And I love you. Every time you say her name, a dagger goes through my heart. It's like a pulse of electricity shoots through my body and then zooms in on my heart. And then i break. I break inside every time you say her name. What does she have that I don't? Why can't i have you 

When you say my name I have to stop for a second and just let it ring in my ears. It leaves me still. Frozen. 

When you're feeling helpless, like you'll never get past this, remember to Never Stop and remember the alter and his brunette hair. Leo doesn't have brunette hair, so there. 

He didn't even date her. So maybe you're an equivalent. But she was here first. 

I feel like if I don't write right now I'm going say something I regret. Maybe if I'm drunk I'll say it and it'll be okay, but right now I feel like crying, because you love her, and not me. And I love you. Every time you say her name, a dagger goes through my heart. It's like a pulse of electricity shoots through my body and then zooms in on my heart. And then i break. I break inside every time you say her name. What does she have that I don't? Why can't i have you 

When you say my name I have to stop for a second and just let it ring in my ears. It leaves me still. Frozen. 

When you're feeling helpless, like you'll never get past this, remember to Never Stop and remember the alter and his brunette hair. Leo doesn't have brunette hair, so there. 

He didn't even date her. So maybe you're an equivalent. But she was here first. 

Maybe it's not even her. Maybe you, like me, need to hold on to the idea that there is more out there for us. There has to be more, right? More emotions, more happiness. I'm not in love with him, I'm in love with the idea because I need to. Right?

Sometimes I feel as if there is just too much heartbreak in the world. I mean, how much can my heart take before its permanently scarred and damaged? I've gone through so many crippling break-ups and rejections. Why do I even try if I know that I'm most likely going to flounder and then cry myself to sleep for months afterwards? I feel so hopeless right now about the future. Everyone I love turns out not to be who I thought they were, or they do something stupid that hurts me too much to stay with them. I mean, with this new guy, he's just fucked. He never dates people he actually likes. And he's obsessed with this girl who is hours away in another state. Like dude, I'm right here. I could love you. I could take care of you, but you're not here, you're over there with her. Open your eyes. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.

At the same time though, I'm not even supposed to be dating anyone, so what the fuck am I doing right now.

You were never mine. And you never will be.
You belong to her, and I hate it.

How can it be so painful to lose someone who was never mine?

I know you care about me. I know that you will come back if I shove you. I need you for the same reasons you need me. And that reason is actually unknown. We both have no idea what we're doing, or what we're looking for. We're a wakeup call for each other.

But let you tell me this.
You will not break me.
You will not destroy me.
And that's not a challenge.
I mean literally, you will not break me.
You will break yourself before you break me.
I cannot be broken, see.
I was destroyed once already, and these beams? See these steal rods that hold my limps onto my body and my head onto my spine?
They are stronger than steal. They can't be penetrated.
As soon as you get close enough, I will throw you back with a jolt of electricity that will rock your world into nothingness.

I lied.
I do need to be needed.
And maybe I want you to need me, but it may never happen.

I suck life from people just as you do. I eat problems. I devoir them. And then I'm done, I sit back and spit in the world's face and say, "Look, my life is worse. My life is worse. I have created this horrible evil life for myself. I don't know what's real or not. But I don't care."

I am an evil human being with evil tendencies and intentions.
I could be a mass murderer.
I could rip limbs from people and feed off their screams.
I have sociopathic tendencies.
I am masochistic.
I am sadistic.
I am narcissistic.
I am a dangerous human being.
And I love me.

It makes me so angry when you complain about working.
First off, you get paid so well and you enjoy what you do. I work at fucking Pier1, okay? There are no paying jobs for someone my age in the department I'm working towards. It's all internships. And it's for stupid shit that I don't want to do. I don't want to be working in an office for 8 hours a day. That's horrific. I live with the "what if I die tomorrow?" philosophy.

Then, you complain about your "long hours". For you, "long hours" is like four hours. Five hours tops. You just worked maybe five hours and you're like "I will not accept less than $150". $150?!! Like you realize that's more than $30 per hour, right? I could work for 8 fucking hours and make maybe $70. And I'm on my feet all day, dealing with bullshit I don't deserve to deal with.

I don't deserve this. I deserve so much better. You have your life handed to you on a fucking white glove while I'm getting paid $9 an hour to sweep floors all fucking day long. And I cannot afford to fail my classes. I don't have a choice. I'm paying for my own goddamn college. I HAVE to do well.


So stop complaining. Just stop. My life is ten times worse.

Dear heart,
Stop it. You're so retarded. He's not yours. He'll never be yours. He belongs to someone else, and there's absolutely nothing you can do to change that. I know you care about it, but you also need to care about yourself. He can't be fixed. Nothing will ever fix you.

If you keep this up, he will destroy you, I promise. He will be your downfall.

So stop it with the butterflies, stop it with the jitters. Stop it with the overwhelming want and need to kiss him. He doesn't want to kiss you. He doesn't know what he wants. So just chill. Calm down. You can't stay here forever anyway. He's too messed up. You're messed up too, you need to take care of yourself. He's not even healthy to be around. You smoke around him. You drink with him. You even broke and scratched yourself up with a fork. A fork!! How does that even happen? You've never been that desperate. I can't even imagine what would have happened if there was a knife within your reach.

I know he gets you. I know he understands you before you even can. You get each other.


"You and me were always meant to be together, before we knew the other was ever there... You and me, we've got two minds that think as one, and our hearts march to the same beat. You and me, we're searching for the same light, desperate for a cure to this disease. Well, some days are better than others. But I fear no thing when you're with me." - You+Me

I feel like dying.

I feel like I lost someone that I love the most. I broke up with him and destroyed him.

I don't understand how my mind works. It jumps to rash conclusions with little or no evidence to support these extreme conclusions.

My friend went out without me = he doesn't like me.
He didn't even like me to begin with, so I don't know where I'm getting that from. He said he didn't love me like that, but it's just super annoying when he kisses me like we're more than friends. I don't even WANT to be more than friends.

I took a personality test and it said that I'm a masochist. So maybe I'm an emotional masochist. That's perfectly resonable, right? I mean, I kept taking my ex back and I knew that he was an asshole, and I knew that nothing good would ever come out of it, yet I still did it. Like wtf. What was I thinking.

I also am scared that he's going to completely destroy me (or try to anyway) because he's a sociopath and I'm convinced that he's sadistic. I don't think this is me being paranoid either, because he told me on the first day that I met him that he's a sociopath.

So I'm just sitting here on a glider feeling sorry for myself instead of studying, which I should be doing. Stupidstupidstupid. What if he's having sex with his friend? Why do I even care? He was never mine. I never owned him. He never owned me. So I need to stop caring. I need to shut down that part of my brain and just move on. I like being with him, he's addicting, like a drug. So I just need to snap out of it. He was weird today anyway, so maybe it's just a phase.

Also I think I'm going crazy because I swear to god I can smell him. Like where am I even getting that from?? I don't think my clothes smell like him.

I am crazy. I've come to this conclusion. Maybe not crazy, but twisted. I use sex to feel wanted and accepted. I lie to people constantly because I want them to feel bad for me, I want them to ache for me. Why do I do this? Why do I think it's okay to steal and lie and cheat. What went wrong. What happened to me. Do I blame my abuser? Was I raped? Am I making that up to? Where am I getting these ideas. Sometimes I feel like there's just an evil living inside me waiting to attack and I can't stop her. Maybe it's borderline or something. I mean, that came up on my test too. I'm very antisocial, narcissistic, and masochistic. And sadistic. Where am I getting these things from? This is not me. I don't know what's going on. I want to go off meds but I'm scared.


I'm probably just crazy.

For my daughter..

I hope the world doesn't turn you bitter like it turned me.
I hope you never lose your innocence, and your unbreakable smile.
I hope you never have to stare death in the face and make a choice.
Even if you do, I hope you choose life. Because I didn't. I chose to give up, to give in, and now death follows me everywhere.
I see it in my dreams. When I close my eyes, my eyelids are painted in dripping blood and pain.

I hope you never have to feel the hopelessness and emptiness that I did.
I hope that you never have to be a parental figure for your parents.
I hope that you never have to comfort me, or give me advice, or loan me money.
I will be your mother, and you will be my daughter,
and I will take care of you.
I won't abandon you,
I won't neglect you.
I'll always take care of you,
no matter how I'm feeling.
I won't be selfish.
I won't cry in front of you.
I will always be strong for you,
always fight for you.
I want to spoil you,
but I want you to be strong and independent.
I don't want you to shake in bed at night,
or see men out of the corner of your eye.
I hope you don't have to use sex to feel alive.
I hope you never wake up in a strangers bed.
I hope your mind never blocks things out in order to protect itself.
I hope that you can sleep at night,
get a full 8 hours if you want to.

I hope you are not a prisoner in your own mind.