Someday, I will get out of this place. I will leave this place, and start my own life. Make my own decisions. Control my own destiny. And this horror story that I live in will all be a shadow of the past. Everything will be beautiful.

Until then, I will keep fighting.

I can't shake this thought in the back of my mind that something's wrong, that he doesn't actually wanna be with me. And it's terrifying, because I'm falling in love with him, and I'm not ready to let him go yet. I keep reminding myself that it's only high school, and this stuff is supposed to happen. But I'm just scared. I love him.

I feel myself slipping.

That sadness that once engulfed me is back. That emptiness. The feeling of worthlessness. That I don't matter. That no one understands.

The class principle here is terrible. I don't understand how such a cold hearted man could be hired for this place. I'm hurting, and all he can say is, "What are you doing?" Like, really? That's all you got. I'm depressed. I'm suicidal. I don't want to be here. I feel like how I felt with Noah. And this is what I get. This is the support I get.

Laurie is going away. I'm so scared what my life will be without her.

I'm dragging him down. I don't want him to stoop this low. I feel like I should break up with him so that he doesn't get dragged down with me. I don't want him to come to this place, so low that I cannot seem to breathe.

I'm so dizzy from the fall. I'm crying silently, tear after tear dropping onto my chest. And no one even cares. No one notices. I could hang myself in this room and no one would see me.

I don't want to go back to that place Si dark, there is no light. I don't want to hurt. I made his day even worse.

I hate you. I fucking hate you. I hate everyone. I just want everyone to leave me the fuck alone. I don't care about anything. The sound of someone else's voice is making me cringe.

It's that monster inside me. It's eating me alive. It's trying to kill me. It's pushing everyone I love any. It's breaking all my friendships, leaving me secluded in a black, dark room. I just want it all to go away. I just want to fall asleep and never, ever wake up. I hate this life. I hate it. I hate this pain, and this hurt. I hate this fog that I'm in where I can't feel my arms, I can't formulate sentences with my mouth. I have no reason to be so sad. I keep reading his words over and over, trying to figure out what I did wrong. I'm just trying to find the right way to go right now, but no matter which way I turn, it's the wrong way. It's like I don't even know who I am anymore. And it fucking sucks.


My body's going numb. I want to die. I think I'm going crazy. It's like right before I went total freak mode. I don't even know what to do at this point. My dad is coming home. I made him come home from Steve. That's what a terrible daughter I am. So manipulative, so selfish. I don't even fucking care about anyone else.

My arms. They're so heavy, and they hurt. My head hurts. I'm so tired, but I can't sleep. I feel like I'm trapped.

Your life is so perfect, so shut the fuck up.

Hey. So this is basically a huge blog about me procrastinating chemistry. Nothing much is new. This is the majority of my life right now:

1) I have a boyfriend that I love very much
2) I'm super hormonal and emotional and it's pissing me off (oh look, hormones making me pissed off..)
3) I have DBT group now every Wednesday, and let me tell you, the majority of these kids are dumb as FUCK. And I mean. Stupid. They're issues are so small in comparison with mine... I mean, damn. This one girl was like, "My life is so hard, my parents make me do my homework." Like, really? Be lucky you HAVE parents that take care of you. My parents stopped caring awhile ago, and let me tell you, it fucking SUCKS to have to grow up when you're like 15. It SUCKS to have to take care of your little brother and worry about mortgage payments and take care of your depressed mother and act as a therapist for your father. Never mind the weight I carry everyday, with the neglect and sexual abuse I went through when I was 4. Never mind the fact that no one can ever find out about the man who almost raped me, and I still have to have civil conversations to his face every single day of my life. Like what the fuck. Your life is so perfect compared to mine. So just shut the fuck up. I don't care about your "ugly arms" or "you're so fat because you weigh 110 lbs". Like no. Just no. Just shut up.
4) There are certain very annoying people in my life that won't just leave me the fuck alone.
5) Andddd now I should probably go study for chemistry.



It just occurred to me that I'm like really angry over DBT.

Oh well.

Time to hit the books.

With each passing day, I realize how terrible you were for me. I realize what an awful person you are. Everyday I see you in the hallway... your face just depresses me. Your smile is all wrong, it looks deformed on your face, when your eyes are screaming in pain. You always look like your life is just so terrible. You drag my mood down every time I see you. You have the dryest sense of humor ever. I just feel like you're so spoiled, and you see nothing positive in life anymore. I can honestly say I don't miss you at all, and I'm glad I've moved on. I wouldn't want to redate a loser like you.

Just try to be happy for once. Your life is not as bad as you make it to be. Other people have it way worse than you. If you're honestly THAT sad, go see a therapist, like I've been telling you to do for years and years. You need help. You're seriously messed up in the head, and you don't have the balls to admit that to yourself. If you're depressed, get some antidepressants. Paste a real smile on your face and keep it there. People don't want to pity you and your pathetic self.

Get some confidence while you're at it. It's not sexy to hear a boy bash himself repeatedly. Just like it's not nice to hear a girl complain about how fat she is, I really don't fucking care how short you are, or how having so much muscle is just so hard. Yes, I know. Your life is obviously just so fucking hard. 

It's not like your mother is dying. It's not like you were ever abused. It's not like your parents are divorced. It's not like you need a job to support your own family and put food on the table for your entire family at age SIXTEEN. It's not like you have to be a therapist for everyone you know. It's not like you cut your wrists just so you can feel someone and know that you're alive. It's not like you've ever tried to hang yourself and ended up in the hospital. 

So just cut it out. TRY to be happy, you dumb fuck. If I can be happy living the shitty life that I do, you can too.

I honestly didn't know it was possible to be this happy. I don't really feel manic, nor do I feel depressed. I feel like I'm the king the of the world. There are things in my life right now that aren't perfect, but I'm learning to just let them go and make the best of everything.

Maybe I'm just in love. Everything is brighter. Everything seems okay. I can breathe and know that I'm gonna e alright. I look forwards to each day. I'm excited for everything, I have a new love for life that I've never had before. I feel no hatred towards anyone. My heart is just pure and overflowing with happiness and love.

That dark slippery hole that once dragged me down and suffocated me seems so distant