I don't understand how my mind works. It jumps to rash conclusions with little or no evidence to support these extreme conclusions.

My friend went out without me = he doesn't like me.
He didn't even like me to begin with, so I don't know where I'm getting that from. He said he didn't love me like that, but it's just super annoying when he kisses me like we're more than friends. I don't even WANT to be more than friends.

I took a personality test and it said that I'm a masochist. So maybe I'm an emotional masochist. That's perfectly resonable, right? I mean, I kept taking my ex back and I knew that he was an asshole, and I knew that nothing good would ever come out of it, yet I still did it. Like wtf. What was I thinking.

I also am scared that he's going to completely destroy me (or try to anyway) because he's a sociopath and I'm convinced that he's sadistic. I don't think this is me being paranoid either, because he told me on the first day that I met him that he's a sociopath.

So I'm just sitting here on a glider feeling sorry for myself instead of studying, which I should be doing. Stupidstupidstupid. What if he's having sex with his friend? Why do I even care? He was never mine. I never owned him. He never owned me. So I need to stop caring. I need to shut down that part of my brain and just move on. I like being with him, he's addicting, like a drug. So I just need to snap out of it. He was weird today anyway, so maybe it's just a phase.

Also I think I'm going crazy because I swear to god I can smell him. Like where am I even getting that from?? I don't think my clothes smell like him.

I am crazy. I've come to this conclusion. Maybe not crazy, but twisted. I use sex to feel wanted and accepted. I lie to people constantly because I want them to feel bad for me, I want them to ache for me. Why do I do this? Why do I think it's okay to steal and lie and cheat. What went wrong. What happened to me. Do I blame my abuser? Was I raped? Am I making that up to? Where am I getting these ideas. Sometimes I feel like there's just an evil living inside me waiting to attack and I can't stop her. Maybe it's borderline or something. I mean, that came up on my test too. I'm very antisocial, narcissistic, and masochistic. And sadistic. Where am I getting these things from? This is not me. I don't know what's going on. I want to go off meds but I'm scared.


I'm probably just crazy.