Smart
Level-headed
Tragic.


When I asked him to describe me in three words, this is what he came up with. Yes, am I smart. Yes, I am level-headed. But tragic? I'm tragic??
I feel so broken. I told him everything. I bared my soul to him. Why? I have no fucking idea. I told him everything. I don't know what I'm doing. Why do I trust people like this?

You are so in love with yourself that you neglect to love the people who love you the most.
Your mama must be so proud.

You are my happy place. 

Thank you.

I'm bound by the love I felt that day, in the heat of the summer sun. Pure ecstasy. Baklava, and other honey treats, the smell of sugar and alcohol. The summer air clung to my skin and I was alive. I felt the rush. I was in love with him, in love with life. And I was so alive. Senses tingling, heart beating fast with longing and desire. 

Love like that isn't meant to last forever. It's intoxicating. Consuming. Debilitating. Electric shocks aren't good for your heart. 

I still cry every now and then when I hear his name, see his face in a crowd. But I am blessed to be one of the lucky few who will experience a love like that. And for that I will be forever grateful. 

I'm sorry that he hurt me. And I'm sorry I will never love you like I loved him. You're a great guy. You're smart and deserving. But I'm broken. I'm a shattered person who is afraid to love anyone, because of the what-ifs. There are so many what-ifs. And with college approaching fast,  my what-ifs are just expanding. I find myself not even trying to feel anything anymore, for fear of what will happen when I'm not allowed to see the people I love. I'm slowly destroying myself because he destroyed me, and I must've done something wrong, and I'm obviously not good enough for anything because, god damnit, I'm broken, and no one likes a broken human being. No one wants to be the glue to hold me back together, and I need to find that glue because I'm running out of patience. I just want to be normal. Go back in time to when things were so much more simple, and brush you and him and everything I ever loved away, so that all that's left is just purely me. And maybe then I won't feel so broken. Maybe the weight of the world is what's cracking me, and I'm tired of holding it up. 

I'm sitting in my car writing this and feeling extremely nauseous because you just drove an hour in a blizzard to see me, and I'm just sitting here wishing I had never met you, never agreed to that first date, because with every hello comes a goodbye, and I've had enough goodbyes to last me a lifetime. 

The nightmares never seem to go away. You left my dreams for a month. You let me breathe, let me sleep. But last night you came back to haunt me again, and I woke up with that sick feeling in the bottom of my stomach. And then the nausea followed, and the pain, like a knife stabbing into my intestines. 

I just want to be free from you. Is that too much to ask?

I haven't even seen you in a week now, but my brain had memorized your voice, your eyes, your face, the way you laugh, and all of your nervous habits. I've perfected you in my mind, and you won't go away. 

It's been a little over three months now since I packed up my things and walked out of the life we shared. I still catch myself missing you every now and again, when I hear a song that I associate with you, or when I see an old picture on Facebook. You were smiling. I was smiling. We had a light in our eyes that is unmatched, because we were in love. We were carefree, and it was summer. My hair is pulled up in a bun, probably because it was sticking to my neck again. My makeup is smudged a little, and it's obviously that I didn't dress up for the excursion. But you're looking me like a fan looks at their idol. Complete adoration, and respect. And love. I never knew a picture could capture so much love. Especially after how much I've been broken, my pieces thrown to the wind. But in that moment, we looked so whole, and so content.

We lay on the roof of my car one night, looking up at the sky. My head was rested in that perfect spot between your jaw and your collarbone, and everything was just right. I realized that night, that college loomed in my near future, and that my time with you was limited. But I knew that I would just treasure every moment even more, because even though heartbreak was imminent and unpreventable, I put all my emotions on the line to just spend this one moment with you, to soak in the happiness, and store it away for a cold winter night much like this one. I'll pull it out like my treasured photographs every now and then, and let the warmth radiate through my trembling sternum to warm my shivering heart. And I know that everything will be okay, even without you here at my side. Because you opened my eyes and showed me not just how to survive, but how to live.

~~~

I couldn't imagine spending that perfect summer with anyone but you.