whats the point of me even being here.

my own dad, who hurt me repeatedly, won's fly me home for thanksgiving. so im stuck in this dorm alone. everyone else has gone home. i feel utterly unloved and unwanted. im in love with my best friend and he loves some other girl whos hundreds of miles away. im just never enough. not worth the plane ticket. not worth the love. just completely not worth it. its days like this that i wish i did not eve nhave to try anymore. ive just wanted to cry this whole week and i finally broke. why. now im just sitting here watching myself bleed.

I know you want a relationship. And trust me, I do to. But you don’t know what it’s like. You haven’t experienced crazy in your head. Crazy hasn’t settled down and made a life for itself in your soul, in the core of your being. I’m sorry that I had to be the one you chose.

I need crazy. I need someone who gets it. I need someone who scares me just as much as I scare them. I need it. I crave it.

I need to cut. I need to hurt. I need to bleed. “The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had.” Because pain is so addicting, and I NEED it. I feed off of it. Whether I cause it or not.

I understand now that we are friends because we have the same pain and we get it. Unfortunately, I lost my 

I keep like crying because that song, and I get it, and you love her so much and you're so so so lucky she loves you back 

Because I am broken because of him. Because I had him and then I lost him. And I'm trying so hard to move on. But he is my soulmate. I guess soul mates don't always end up together. He touched me and moved me and changed me and then he was gone 

I dream of him every night and when i wake up, I just want to die because it's not real anymore 

I wish you every happiness. I wish I could be enough for you, but it's obvious that I never will be what you need. So instead I can only hope and pray that she will take care of you and love you more than I do. 

That's why you have to keep looking. Look for this. Right now, he's not attainable. Neither of them. But you know how it feels. You know when it's okay, you know when it's right.

You hooked up with him on the first day, and look, you're okay.

Maybe give him more of a chance. Get to know him better. Maybe you'll feel it. Stop being so scared. Just live. Just feel. Don't be afraid to feel. You have a safety net and a system. Just relax.

My dad would have been an amazing father if he didn't make those awful decisions

I loved him.

I think my biggest fear is that I will never love someone like I loved him in those nine short months.
It wasn't a healthy kind of love.
It was consuming, it was greedy.
And I loved every single second of it.

Now here I am, 1500 miles away, and I still think of him, and wonder how he is. I wonder if he watches any girls across the room, like I used to watch him in biology. I attribute my lack of knowledge in biology to him, because he was so mesmerizing, I couldn't focus on my studies. He would hold my hand under the desk, and though the gesture was small, it sent my heart into a frenzy.

It still boggles my mind that someone can have that huge of an impact on another's life.

I miss you.

You will not tear me down. I am stronger than you will ever be. I've been through more. I was abused by my own father. Your life is perfect. You have money and a supportive family.

Therefor, I am stronger than you, and you will not tear me apart. I've been there once, and I won't let it happen again. I will survive this. I will survive this at your expense.