You want my love?

You can take it. 

Take it all. 

As long as you promise to sedate my heart 

So that it won't hurt

When you're not here anymore. 

So you want my innocence?

Go ahead. 

Take it. 

It's not like I have any left anyways. 

I'm sorry, but you cannot take my strength. 

It's not something I have 

To give. 

It's me.

It's part of my DNA. 

It's not just something you can rip from me. 

You would pull me in 

And I would bury my face in your chest 

And breathe you in

Until the smell of you filled my nose. 

I fit perfectly in your arms

Where your shoulder meets your 

Collarbone 

And I closed my eyes and felt 

Safe 

Because no one could hurt me

When I was in your arms. 

It never occurred to me

That YOU could hurt me. 

I thought you were mine. 

I guess I was wrong. 

The numbness that I now

Feel 

Is unbelievable. 

You were mine  

For 426 days. 

You were here for a moment,

And then you were gone. 

I am trembling.

I lift and separate every lash,
smooth every strand,
pluck every unwanted hair.

Rub little exfoliant beads
Over my skin
In the hopes that maybe
I can remove your dead memories as well.

I try to breathe
and just go with it.
But the pounding in my head
will not subside.

My glass clinks
and smells of cherry liquor.

I will not wear socks.
Socks are dorky.
I will not be dorky.
I do not know what I will be.
But I will put on my Keds
and march to this strangers house
and give myself to him,
because I gave all I had to you
and it wasn't good enough for you.

When I give myself to this stranger
he will pull me in his room and shut his door.
His mattress with be made of
memory foam.
It will conform to every contour of my body.
It will accept me.
It will fade all of these broken memories.

His black dog
will kiss my lips
and love me
more than you ever loved me.

We will play truth or dare
and I will keep choosing dare
until he decides to be brave.

And when he dares me to kiss him,
I will.
I will kiss away every bad memory
and every good memory.
I will throw it all away
with my reckless behavior
because I am not yours
anymore.
I will burn you out of my mind
like I burned our pictures
in a metal bowl
on my kitchen counter.

He will say I am beautiful.
He will say, "I can't believe this is happening."
His lips will be soft.
But not as soft as yours.

And when he is done,
he will escort me out
and I will leave
feeling liberated.

Because I am not your stupid sex slave
anymore.

Sometimes I wake
Feeling wrong
And I know that you were there.

You were there for a moment,
And then you were gone.

Sometimes I wake and can't move.
My limbs feel weak
From swinging
And grasping
At polluted air.
But I cannot squeeze the air strong enough.
And you slip through my fingertips.

Sometimes I wake because
I cannot breathe.
My lungs simply refuse air.
They chose the stillness
Over the pain.
And my delicate face
Is streaked with
Old mascara
Because I was too damn weak
To take it off.

Do I dare
slap you
for all the hurt
you have caused me?
Or would you come after me
and beat my strength down to a pulp?

Do I dare
scream to the world
so that everyone knows how you hurt me,
How you absolutely destroyed me
when you knew I was at my weakest
point.

"Don't spread rumor."
 I will spread nothing but the truth.

Why do you feel the need to always
be better?
Why am I always the lesser?
Why am I never enough
For anyone
Ever.

Be better.
Always.

I am destroying myself,
slowly.

I will not cut.
No.
That's too obvious to everyone around me.

Instead, I will set a grenade off in my heart,
so that the pain is not because of you.
It will be self inflicted
and you can't control me
anymore.

I am taking any last piece of innocence
and setting it on fire,
so that it won't hurt
when I lose everything.

I like to have control of
my life.
And if I choose to destroy
that innocent little girl,
then I am in control.

I will go out
and find friends with benefits.
It will be my goal
to feel in control.

No.
I will not have sex with you
so that I can keep the title
of "his girlfriend".

No.
I don't need your bullshit.
I will not have sex with you,
because I will NOT be forced
anymore.

I am already forced into
so much shit.
I am forced to live this life
that I didn't want.
I am forced to live this life
that I wanted to end.

So if I'm forced to live this life,
I will make it a damn good one.

And that means that you
will not be in my life
Anymore.