This morning, most people were opening presents under their trees with their close family and people they love. Just count yourself lucky and know that some people aren't as fortunate as you. Some people didn't have presents. Some didn't have family. Some didn't have both. I didn't ask for anything for Christmas this year. I didn't want anything, I just wanted to be close to my family. I just wanted a hug from my dad, who has basically gone MIA. He refuses to see me or my family. He says he hates my mother. I just wanted a hug. That's all I wanted. I wanted to bury my head against his chest and smell his sweater and just feel safe and know that everything was okay. But no. I had to play the parent today. I had to give everyone else all the fancy presents. I had to work overtime to provide for my family and pay the bills. I had to drive my family to visit relatives. I had to do all of that and it's just not fair. I'm 16. Why can't I just play the role of a teenage daughter. Why can't I have controlling, bossy, unfair parents who watch my every move and make my life miserable. Why can't I have parents. Who are married. Who love each other. Why can't I have a family. I just want a family. A functional one, not a dysfunctional one.

I have always gotten what I wanted for Christmas. But this year, all I got was a broken heart.

I miss you dad. I just wish you would come home.

I love you.

It's not pathetic that I cried myself to sleep for two months after you left. It's not pathetic that I went and threw that stupid necklace in the pond, or went to church every week and prayed to God to just make the pain go away. It's not even pathetic that I blocked you on Facebook after I gave you a second chance. No, what's pathetic is that after all of that, I'm still completely, irrevocably in love with you. And nothing will ever take that way. My heart skipped when you added me on snapchat. I literally stopped breathing when I got your Facebook friend request. I just wish you were my baby. I here my friends gossiping about you, and how "all you want is a girlfriend to love you". That could be me. I will love you until the end of time, regardless of where we end up in life, regardless of how much you don't even care about me. I will always be here waiting for you. For the day you change your mind. I will give you 3rd and 4th chances because you were my everything, and you deserve it. Until then, I will accept the fact that you don't want me anymore, and continue to live my life with one important piece missing: you.

I'm feeling kinda numb. My life's sorta falling apart again. My ex is in some hospital in another state on suicide watch. My parents found out about all the abuse. And my boyfriend is acting super weird. I just failed a math test. I have two more tests today. I can't feel my arms. I feel so nauseous and scared. It's hard to see the future. I guess I'll just take it one day at a time and keep smiling. I have no more tears left to cry.

My ex boyfriend was just admitted to the psych ward. Again. No words can describe this shock I'm in. He needed me. And I wasn't there for him. He just needs someone to be there for him and I'm so selfish that I just... Pushed him out of my life. I'm just. I can't believe I let this happen. I should have known. I should have seen the pain in his eyes. He's my ex, but we used to be best friends. I know him better than anyone in this world. It's my job to take care of him, my job to make sure he's okay. And I let him down. I let him fall.

What did I do.

People always come to me for help. People always come to me with their problems, and say, "Help me. Understand me." Maybe, I'd like to be understood for once. Maybe I'd like for someone just to listen. Just for ten minutes. Maybe then you can hear the quiet screams emulating from my sparkling laugh. Maybe you'll catch a glimpse of the guilt and hurt and hatred in my eyes. And maybe, just for one second, you'll realize that I'm not okay.

My heart is broken. It's shattered into a million little tiny pieces. Everything hurts. It's as if I cannot do anything right. I upset my mom. I upset my dad. I cannot make either one happy. Now I sit here in this car listening to my mother sob. If only they knew. He wouldn't even be here. Everything would be different. He would be in jail. We would just live with mom now. Instead I sit here and cry silently because she can't know. So I just suffer alone. Silently. Just letting my heart break. This time I don't even care. Let it fall to pieces. Maybe this time when I put it back together, it will be even stronger. Maybe next time I won't cry like I'm crying now. Maybe next time I won't feel the pain or suffer. I'll just be a stone. I won't feel anything at all.

Now I have to go home and study chemistry. Which I don't even know how that's gonna work. And I have to decide what to wear tomorrow. I'm thinking jeans and my boots obviously. I want to look nice, so some sweater of sorts.

"You said you wanted to live with me. Stick to your guns and don't let dad bully you."

If you only knew, mom. If you only knew.