I am a sugar baby. I sleep with older men for money. I cheat on my lovely amazing boyfriend every Tuesday at 7 pm. How can I do this? I drink. I drink until I doubt my ability to walk, until my speech slurs so bad its almost inaudible. Then, when my emotions are dull and my intuition erased, I allow this stranger man to have his way with me for $1000 a month. I hate every moment of it. I just stare at the ceiling and wait for it to be over.

Why do I do this? I need the money. I'm saving to move in with my lovely amazing boyfriend. He will never know about this. No one will know about this. I will carry this secret with me to the grave. It's a little piece of me that no one can have. No one can truly know me. No one knows what I've been through.

I attribute this behavior to the fact that my father may or may not have raped me. This isn't an excuse obviously, but its more of a justification. I have daddy issues. I was abandoned by my mother. My job isn't enough. So I took on this second job. I'm very professional about it. I do as I'm told.

Someday I hope to never have to put myself in these kinds of situations ever again.

Until then, I'll play the hand I was dealt.

"I've got thick skin and an elastic heart."
Yes. Yes I do. No one will break me. Not ever again.

I miss you.

I miss your laugh.
I miss your crude jokes.
I miss the way you hugged me,
how excited you were to see me.
I miss how kind and gentle you were to me.
I miss the little things,
like how you said you were "going to goose me so hard"
when I did something annoying.

Now we're complete strangers.
In less than a year,
we met,
fell in love,
fell out of love,
tried to rekindle what we had,
and then gave up.
How could all that happen in one year.

Sometimes I seriously question what I'm doing.
Should I move in with my current boyfriend?
Do I really love him?
Do I want to spend my life with him?
I'm so young.
Am I making a huge mistake?
How can I love him so deeply
when I still miss you, and I still miss him.

Also, why do you I miss you so much?
Why all of the sudden?
I certainly didn't miss you when we broke up.
I cheated on you multiple times.
Like five or six times, and I didn't even blink.
Didn't think twice.

How could I do that to you?
To us?
And why do I regret it now, almost 5 months later?

Hey.
I know its been a long time since we've talked. And I know you have her now, and I have him. And I'm happy with him, I truly am. I hope you're happy with her too.

But for some reason, for the past couple of days, the memory of you has completely occupied my mind. Maybe I dreamt of you or something, and I just don't remember. Maybe I heard a song, or saw something. Maybe it was Invader Zim. Maybe it was the flowers that are still pinned to my bulletin board. Maybe it's the note that says "Happy Anniversary!" or the prom picture that hangs on my mirror.

I haven't had the heart to take any of these things down.

I remember your car. I remember the way it smelled like vanilla. And I remember we were supposed to go and buy another one of those stupid tree air refresheners, because I missed the way your car smelled when I first met you. That old blue car. Sometimes the brakes were questionable, and the speakers came unhooked, but it was your car. And I miss it.

I miss spending days in bed with you. I miss the way you would pile up your blankets in a very specific manner.

It breaks my heart to see her on your Instagram, lying in my spot in your bed. Like I've just been replaced. Like it was just that simple to put you out of your mind.

I know she isn't prettier than me. And maybe that's a petty thing to say, but I just hate the feeling of being replaced so quickly, as if it was painless.

It wasn't painless for me. It hurt. It was a hard decision. I remember my hands shaking and I remember crying my heart out because it was over, it was over and there was nothing I could do.

I remember going to breakfast the morning before I left for college. I remember sitting in that diner and wondering if I was making a huge mistake. I remember walking outside in a torential downpour, and I remember crying and crying and crying and trying to make it back to my car with my heart somewhat intact, but I just couldn't, my heart was breaking and bleeding out of my chest, being washed away with the rain, and I couldn't stop crying. And my hair was wet and my feet were wet, and you were crying too. Because this couldn't be goodbye. This couldn't be it for us. Our love story couldn't be over yet. It had just started.

I miss going to the cabin with you and Jordan and Gabe. I miss drinking beer in your room, taking fireball shots. I miss that huge industrial sized fan. I miss how you always had to turn that little fan on because you needed the white noise. I miss your mom. I miss your stepdad. I miss whole wheat, soft bagels, toasted with cream cheese. I miss your sister. I miss your brother. I miss your turtles.

As much shit as I talk about you, and as horribly as I treated you in the very end... I miss you.

And I know that we had to fall apart so that my boyfriend and I could come back together.

But god, I miss you. I miss us.

I think you will haunt me
for the rest of my life.