Flashback
Walking from the parking lot at my high school with my best friend
I see you ahead, with you red backpack, and jeans, and adidas sneakers
And my heart freezes when I see her.
She got out of the car with you.
You guys rode to school together.
How romantic.

You were mine, not even two weeks ago. You were my baby, and now you're gone. How could this have happened. What have we done.

Pain.
Blinding numbness.

I miss you.

I wonder what it would be like to fall asleep in his arms. Would we face each other and look into each others eyes? Or would I back my body into his arms?

I never really loved my ex. But I loved him. I loved him with all my heart. He made me so happy.
So I wonder what it would be like to have slow, passionate sex with him, and then fall asleep in his arms, with his breath against my neck, and him holding me and keeping me safe from the nightmares. I wonder if he'd hold my hand and stroke my arms and my hair, and kiss the back of my head.

What I had with him was so special because it was innocent. Things went very slow, the emotions and feelings building.

Do I tell him how I feel?

No. No. I will contain myself. I will see him in person and I will hug him and look in his eyes and tell him that I'm still in love with him.

Take this slowly. Don't rush into it. Rushing always leads to craziness and irrationalism.

I can hear the wedding bells now. I can see the proposals, feel the tears streaming down my face as I hand my heart over to you. Yes, I will spend the rest of my life with you. Yes, I will love you and protect you for as long as I live, and even after that, I will always be with you.


But do I really love you? Or am I just lonely?

Have we really grown up? Are we really handling this like adults? Or are we still young and naïve? Am I blowing this completely out of proportion?

Are these feelings real? Or are they just wishful thinking? Maybe I just don't want to be alone. Maybe I'm forcing this idea into my reality, and it's not going to actually work.


Or maybe we were meant for each other. When the "relationship" falls away, we are best friends. We talk almost every day. And the reason we broke up is because I moved away, and you couldn't stand that pain. But now I'm coming home.

I miss you, and you miss me.

So what does this all mean?

Are you my soulmate? Are you my happily ever after?

Our children would be gorgeous. I don't think I would ever fall out of love with you, because you are my best friend. I want to grow old with you. I want to have children. I want you to be the daddy, I want you to hold our first child and smile so brightly I think your face might break. We can buy a huge house and have a dog and cats if you want. We can have children, so many children. And when they grow up and move out, and it's just you and me, we will watch the sunset on our front porch and drink iced tea and love each other. You will be the funniest old man. When we have grandchildren, you will be that hilarious grandpa. I think you will always be handsome, no matter how old. You will age gracefully. The kids will always want to be at our home. And I'll be the sweet old grandma who cooks and spoils her grandchildren.

We complete each other. We are exact opposites, yet we think the same. You bring out the best in me. You make me laugh, and you make me smile. You know my secrets, and I know yours. We can openly talk about anything.

We could be married. I could take your last name. I could have your ring on my finger.


Maybe if you feel the same way, we'll try it. Move in together. Get some cheap apartment. Test it out for a while. Maybe.

Maybe.

I’m afraid of being alone in my own head, so I will accept you into my life and manipulate you into someone that I can love. I will mold myself into your perfect somebody, and you will give everything you have for me. I will feel wanted and needed, like a precious prize. I will trap you. I will hug you a little too closely, kiss you a little too deeply. You’ll fall head over heels in love with me and I will be able to walk away with no more than a few fake tears.