Tomorrow would have been our one year anniversary. My mind keeps flashing back to that cold November night, when you swept me off my feet. Sitting in the Biggby window... "I want to kiss you," you said. And you did. And that was the night that I fell in love with you.

I was so scared at first to love you. I remembered what he did to me, so I pretended that I didn't love you. But I soon realized how impossible that was. I realized how much I needed you to be in my life.

I remember going home and crying my eyes out, because I felt like a princess. I felt that my dreams had come true, that you were my Prince Charming, and everything was going to be okay.

I am just so thankful for all the time that we had together. I kept all the things that you ever gave me. They sit in my room to this day. I couldn't get rid of any of it. I have zero bitter feelings towards you. Just happy memories.

I hope that sometimes you will think of me. I'm sorry we didn't work out. I know that you wanted us to be together so bad. But as we grew older, we grew apart. And we were better off letting it all go and walking away, rather than hurting ourselves trying to fix the relationship. I've always loved you, and I always will. But I love you enough to let you go.

It's hard to live in a world
Where no one can know.
No one can hear
Your silent screams.

No one knows.
No one can ever know.
Not while he's here.
Not while he's alive.
Not while my mother or brother is alive.
So I live in silence
In constant fear
That he's coming for me.

He haunts my dreams.
I hope I haunt his for the rest of his life, too.

How can you be so stupid, so naive? It's like you have selective vision, selective hearing. You only see what you want to, only hear the words that make you the happiest. Meanwhile, the world is looking at you with confused eyes. Don't you see? Do you see him kissing all the other girls? Can you see that he is just not interested, not good for you? He is the bad boy. Leather jacket, with studs and tattoos. That's not you. That's not someone you date. It's someone you admire from afar, but never touch.

Have a little self confidence. You don't need someone to tell you you're beautiful every single day. You don't need that. You're so much better than that. You don't need an eating disorder, or medication, or a diagnosis. So pick yourself up. You just look weak. Look at me. I'm suffering. I deserve to be this upset, this sad. You have everything you could ever ask for you don't need to worry about bills or your family's well being. So grow up. Toughen up, buttercup. Your life isn't as bad as you make it out to be.

How in the world do you get used to a new house?

It's like living in a strangers house. It IS living in a strangers house. It's not mine. I don't belong there. Not yet. None of my clothes are there. It's not personalized. I don't have my own space. I am afraid of the germs there. It's just not right. I literally have to force myself to sleep there.

And I'm also kind of scared, because what if my mom loses her home? Then I might have to switch schools. Then what would I call home?

It's a whole bunch of what-ifs. I'm so scared. My anxiety spirals every time I I think about it. It's so terrifying. It makes me just want to cry. And cry. And cry.

I have to learn to focus on the constants. My dog is a constant. My family is a constant.

I'm starting yet another chapter in my life. And I'm terrified. Everything is changing so fast all at once.

I no longer have a best friend. I guess you could say my boyfriend is my best friend... but I don't have a best girlfriend. My former best friend has gone off the deep end. I don't like who she is anymore. I don't want to associate myself with her. I don't want anything to do with her. She's a partier. She cheats on her boyfriend. She's so insecure and gets upset over the tiniest insults. She cries whenever she's around me because I'm thinner than she is. So I'm done. I've stepped back and looked at all the signs, and realized they were all pointing in one direction: let her go. As scary as this is for me, I will hold my head high, and know that another best friend will soon come along.

I have cut off all communication with my ex boyfriend.

What I'm scared of right now is my emotion. I'm shoving it all onto a back burner. I don't allow myself to cry. I shove the sadness and anger aside and fake a smile. I feel like it's going to come back and bite me eventually. I can't even talk about my ex. It brings me to tears because I miss what we had so much. He was also my best friend. The two of them together... it was like the perfect support team.


I thought friends were supposed to be forever. But I guess things change. People change. Relationships will break and they will form. The world's going to keep spinning, and it's going to drag you with it, whether you want to go along or not.

I'm just really scared right now, with my therapist leaving and all. What's going to happen to me? So much change, and no one to go to. I don't want to dump this all on my boyfriend. That's just not fair. So i have to find someone new to trust. A new therapist. And I'm so scared. I don't want to have to explain everything to someone all over again. I just want them to  know me better than I know myself. that's what my current therapist does for me.

My dad's gone. Just completely gone out of my life, whether he likes it or not. I just don't have time for a family right now. I have to take care of myself, my room, and the yard so neighbors don't get suspicious. I have to keep the house somewhat clean, and keep food on the table for mom and me. Take Tia on walks, socialize with other dogs. All while balancing school and work. And my boyfriend. It's just too much right now. I'm under so much stress, I feel I could crack at any moment.

I can't crack. Not now. I don't have time to put myself back together.