Just go. Please stop controlling my life. I see you sitting in the office chair behind me. I'm not stupid. I'm not crazy. Just stop. I'm so tired of seeing your face in the streets, hearing your voice in my dreams. I know what you are. You're depression. You're the face of depression. And you won't leave me alone. You are taking all that I am and crushing me down, forcing the life out of me, and making sure all the wind is knocked from my lungs.

I've been working 60 hours a week, trying to erase his memory out of my mind. I've been working myself to the physical exhaustion point, just to prove to myself how strong I am, and how much I can take before I break down. This is just emotional pain, right? It's all in my head. It isn't really there. I can block it out. I can forget about him, and how in love with him I am.

Yeah, I know. I'm a pathetic mess. I'm so lost without him. I haven't cried in forever, because I'm too busy to cry. I have to much to do to cry. There are much more important things. None the less, that doesn't stop the hurt and the hatred from eating away at my already-shattered heart.

I miss him so much now that I can feel it in my bones, I can feel that I am sick. I dream of him every night. Every night I get to spend hours and hours with him. And he loves me. He doesn't push me away. I am his, and he is mine. And then I wake up, and with every breath I take, I become incredibly nauseous and sick to my stomach. I realize it was all just a wishful dream. He isn't here. He's gone. He doesn't even care about me. He wouldn't die for me like I would die for him. He doesn't look up at the moon and wonder if I'm looking at it too. He doesn't carry the burden of an extremely broken heart everywhere he goes. I can't even remember what it's like to be free from love, and boys. It just seems so long ago. I got my heart broken at age 13, when I was in 8th grade. Ever since then, it's just something I have to deal with everyday.

I hate boys. I hate relationship. I hate love, and trust, and hope. Hope just causes despair. I should just give up. I should stop trying. Caring. Praying that he comes back for me. Because I just get my hopes up, only for him to smash them all over again.

I didn't know it was possible to hurt like this. This isn't depression, this is extreme sadness I am feeling. I can feel in my heart, and my stomach. This is heartbreak.

I woke up a couple of days ago from a dream with him, and I remember being so extremely angry at him. I woke up, and I was just like, shit. Why can he control my life like this. This is fucking ridiculous. Once I had a dream that I walked up to him and just punched the shit out of his face. And he got super angry and started chasing me, trying to hurt me. I was terrified, because I knew the damage he can do. But at least he was concentrating on me. I was clogging up his mind, even if it wasn't in a positive way.

The hardest thing I ever have to admit to myself every single day is that I'm still in love with you.

That is all.

...and as you slowly fade out of my memory and my life, I realize I'm so much better off without you. Look how far I've come without you here besides me.

This is what it's like to be free. I'm not desperate anymore. I see now that I don't need a guy to complete me. I see that I only need one relationship right now, and that's the relationship with myself. I'm still so young, and I have so much time to find that special someone. But for now, I don't want to have to deal with another person like that. I don't need or want the responsibility. I need to take care of myself.

On another note. My bgf broke up with his girlfriend. YUSSSS. I don't know, that relationship was just bugging me. Don't want to date right now, but I just. I didn't like her. At all. She wasn't bgf worthy.

Landed a job at U of M in eating disorders :D Yay! Get to work with more crazy people... just like me!! I'm exciteddd. I actually like this job.