I feel so sick today. Both emotionally and physically. I just feel so out of whack, and like.. sick to my stomach. Things seem super out of place, and I feel like I'm pretending to be someone I'm not.

I had a breakdown today during my 6th hour, and I just went and cried and stared off into space while getting yelled at by my best guy friend for not being able to snap out of it. I also got yelled at for over working myself and having a job.

See, my best guy friend is moving to another school. We dated for 6 months. I also lost my virginity to him. We were super close, but all along, I was never quite in love with him. I love him, but.. he's just super clingy, and sometime our personalities can really clash. He knows me better than anyone in this world though. He knows me better than my best girl friend. I also couldn't get over my previous ex, so that caused a lot of issues.

Anyway. He's switching schools. And I'm devastated. Because whenever I'm feeling down and out, he is always there for me. Since we go to the same school, we can just sit and talk for hours and hours. But now that he's going to be gone... who can I go to anymore? He's one of the few people I can vent to. Actually, he's the only person I can vent to. We're on the same meds, we help each other out through everything. I can't talk to my best girl friend like I talk to him.

I just feel so alone. I know people are surrounding me and caring about me, but.. I just feel so empty. And lost. I don't even want to go to school tomorrow. I don't want to do anything. I just want to sleep.

Maybe I should see if he's online or something. Idk. I just need someone right now.

I think it's only appropriate to tell how/when my depression started, and what triggered it. Well, it's a very long, complicated story with lots of little side stories. So I'm only going to tell bits and pieces at a time. I can pinpoint the biggest and most prominent cause. So I'll start with that. It started with a boy. And a kiss. And a happily-ever-after that never was.

I've always had issues with boys. Because every boy I ever talk to is just a horny jerk that's thinking with his dick instead of his head. Yeah, I am somewhat attractive. I'm not like beauty queen gorgeous or anything. But I have a nice body, and my hair is long and natural and red, which is a turn on for a lot of guys. I'm very confident, always walk with my chin up, very outgoing, and I always remember to smile, even if I'm having an awful day. I'm not stupid, I know why guys talk to me.

My first legitimate boyfriend was actually when I was only 13. Almost 14. We dated for 5 months. The summer of 2010, my grandma suffered a major stroke. I was devastated. I was forced to move in with my grandpa, who lives an hour away, to take care of him. I had no choice. My grandma was scheduled for brain surgery, but she flat lined, and was rushed into emergency surgery. The same night, Antonio asked me to come home and keep him company because he missed me. Obviously, I said no. In response, he went and jumped off a parking structure. Crazy, right? One side of his body was completely shattered. He then proceeded to break up with me because he "didn't feel the same anymore". In the middle of brain surgery. When my grandma almost died. Fantastic.

So right off the bat, I knew guys were trouble. And I knew I had to be careful. But he didn't trigger my depression though. It was the guy after him that did.

I met him on the first day of high school when I walked into my biology class. He sat at my table, diagonally from me. I remember when my eyes met his stare. And I instantly knew I was going to date that guy. Two weeks into our friendship, he asked me out. I was so happy that I was crying my eyes out. I hardly even knew the guy and I was falling for him. He came off as so charming and caring. And after dickface #1, I just wanted to start over.

We dated for 9 months. The best 9 months of my entire life. I have never felt so loved and cared for. I loved him, he loved me, and nothing else in the world mattered. I could stare into his eyes for hours. He made me freeze up, like I couldn't breathe, when he looked at me with those loving brown eyes. I swear to god, I thought I was going to marry that boy. He was everything I had ever dreamed of. He was my prince charming. He was my best friend, and so much more. I was in love. So in love.

Sometime in the 8th month of our relationship, I knew something was wrong. He was changing, and fast. He went from texting me every moment of every day to ignoring my texts. We fought a lot. He made me cry a few times. I knew the end was coming, but I just didn't want to admit it. I just didn't click with this new person that he had become. He was rude, and cold-hearted. I could never figure out why he stayed with me until after we broke up, when I realized he was just using me for sex.

Finally, I had enough of being treated like shit. He called me a liar, and incompetent. He talked about me behind my back to my own best friend. I knew he didn't love me anymore. He was hurting me, and I knew I would be better off if I went my own way. So on June 10th, 2011, we went our separate ways, leaving a shattered relationship behind. I thought it was for the better. I thought I could live without him. But with the breakup came a freedom that I didn't want. I didn't want to be free from his arms. I wanted him back. But it was too late. It was over.

I was launched into darkness. A numbness that did not subside. A dark raincloud looming over my head every step of the way. It felt like someone had taken a vital organ out of me, an emptiness, a void that could not be filled. I needed him like I needed air to breathe. I was in denial. Of course he wanted me back. Of course he loved me. Of course we were going to get married. My mind spun out of control. Usually the pain starts to go away after a month or so. But this pain didn't. It kept going. And going. For months. It wasn't until four months later, in October, that I realized he wasn't coming back. The pain only got worse. I would pretend I was over him, lie to myself and all my friends. But the fact remained that I was still in love with him. I took alternate routes to classes just to see him, even if it was just a glimpse. It would give me some sort of strength to carry on through my day. But still, I felt all alone.

I met another guy, started dating him in the hopes that he would get me over my ex. But he just made me realize that no one could replace him. We dated for almost six months before we broke up about a month ago. I couldn't take it anymore. I was tired of putting on a face for my boyfriend, telling him I loved him when I really didn't care.

I texted my ex and just spilled out all my feelings for him. I told him how much I missed him, and that I couldn't breathe without him. I told him that our time couldn't be up yet, that I hadn't spent enough time with him yet. He responded by asking me out again. I was shocked. But happy. I was a little leery, but I was like YOLO! and just went along with it. I knew it wasn't going to work out, but I tried my hardest to make it work.

Eventually, he did call it off. And went behind my back again and told my other best friend (the guy I dated for 6 months.. yeah, we're still close) that he didn't even care about me and just wanted to have sex.

So. As you can see, this guy like. Made my life, and then destroyed it. Painted me a blue sky, and went back and turned it to rain. He is responsible for who I am today. He caused my hatred of love and relationships. He caused me all this pain. Yeah, I tell myself I'm done with him, and I don't give third chances. But the reality is that I probably would let him back into my life. No matter how much this guy hurts me, I can't fall out of love. My heart still skips a beat whenever I see him. It's awful.

And that, my dears, is how my depression began.

So. Let me start out by saying, this may be one of the most depressing blogs you will ever read. Yes, I can be happy, yes, I can smile and laugh like a normal person. But I usually write when I am very. Very. Depressed. When I'm happy, and a normal human being, I'm out with my best friend, or at the pool, or at the mall, or studying. Haha no, actually, I'm probably not studying. I'm probably just on youtube or facebook or something.

Why would you want to read this blog then? Well maybe, like me, you suffer from major depressive disorder. Maybe you were hospitalized and put on suicide watch and 200 mg of antidepressants. Maybe you just need someone to relate to. Or maybe you're just really bored and you like my username :)

I'm not putting out my name or anything because I want to remain anonymous on the internet. I want to be able to tell you guys my secrets, and you not be like, SHEEIT, she goes to my school. Because that would just be awkward.

I will tell you though, that my hair is cherry red. And that is why my name is littlemermaid96 :) Because people say I look like Ariel. Or Cat from Victorious. But that's not as good as Ariel.

I also tend to write in free style poetry. Just a warning.

Well. I think that is all for now. I have vented all I need to for now. More later :)