Every time I go through your pictures I will post here. I will write a blog post and I will not cry. I will not shed any more tears for you.

I will remind myself that I have my whole life stretched out in front of me. I will remind myself that I have no reason to cry, because some day I will find someone to love as much as I loved you.

I will remind myself that brighter days are ahead. I will remind myself to take deep breaths and live in the present, because I can't change what happened between us before. I only have now. And that's all that really matters right now.

That lovely feeling when you find you are prettier than her.

How I am supposed to feel.

I don't know how I feel. What do people feel when their first love goes off with some other girl.

Everyone says I should be sad. Everyone says I should hate her and stalk her to see if she's pretty.

And yes, I was sad. Simply because the memories came back like a freight train, flattening me against a wall of emotion. And yes, I want to see what she looks like because I'm a curious person.

But no. I don't hate her. I feel happy and sorry for her. Happy, because he gave me the best year of my life. Sorry, because he caused the worst two years of my life. Verbal abuse sticks with you. It doesn't go away. It eats at your core and makes you second guess your self worth.

And that's what he did. He made me feel stupid and worthless.


Maybe it will be different for her. Maybe they'll go off and get married and have babies together.

I want to meet her. I want to see her grow with him. I want to know if he'll call her incompetent. I want to see what she does when they break up. I want to watch her move on. Then maybe I can copy her, and move on, too.

Forgive me heart

I loved him so. 

And when I did,

He let me go. 

Its amazing how I never react
the way I think I will.
I'll be fine.
I'll be strong.
And then it happens, and I'm not fine.
I'm not strong.


He has a girlfriend.


These words don't make sense coming from my mouth. Surely, I must be speaking of some other guy, some other past relationship. No. I'm talking about him. HE does. HE has a girlfriend.

I told my counselor that I would be happy when he has a girlfriend. I said I could move on because he's not "mine" anymore. But it didn't work out that way. I wanted to be overjoyed. Instead, I collapsed into my boyfriend's chest, breathing heavily, willing myself not to cry.

I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry.


I chant this in my head over and over. I look at his relationship status. Unchanged. He is in a relationship. And it's NOT with me. How could this be?





stopstopstopstopstopstospstopstsopstop
STOP DOING THIS TO YOURSELF.

They told me I had appendicitis   

When I felt flames lick my insides

Like they were doused in gasoline

And I could only lay in bed and scream

As the pain consumed me

Whole. 

It's anxiety, they said

When my heart beat so hard I thought I would be carried away
Like a helicopter
And the only cure was sleep
So that I could see you
In my dreams.

And then, it must be depression

When the days turned to weeks and months and then years. 

When the pain did not subside, but intensify.
The cocktail of medicine
Was supposed to fill the giant hole
That you left.

Maybe you're psychotic 

When I saw your face in every crowd

When every boy with short dark brown hair

Was suddenly you

And my world spun 

And my heart fluttered

Until he turned around and I saw

That he was just another guy. 

We think you're suicidal,

As they locked me in a sterile white room

Because I had no desire to live anymore

And I'd rather be dead than feel this much pain

We've figured it out, finally. 

You have post traumatic stress disorder. 

Because everything is a trigger. 

My dog. Certain teachers. 

Songs. Roads. Even colors and rocks. 

They all sent me spiraling

Until I was reduced to a ball of bone and muscle

And nothing more. 

Rocking, rocking

Trying to escape this hell I am forced to live in. 

But maybe, what I have is not diagnosable. Maybe I just miss you.

Green. Jade. Circle drives. Water. Polo. Piano. Jazz. The Beatles. Dubstep. Choir. Pentatonix.

My mind translates these to "run". 

Run as fast as you can and don't look back

Because if you do, your heart will stop

And you'll drown in your own tears

He'll see you look back

And pounce on you like you're a weak animal 

He will run you over again and again with his reassuring words and worthless promises 

Until the blood drains from your body

In cuts on your thighs, arms, shoulder, palms, hips.

He will watch you die. 

Because that's what he wants.

He wants you to hurt.

He wants you to need him.

Like he is a drug.

Like he is the only thing keeping you here.

I've figured it out, finally.
I have IBHS: irreversible broken heart syndrome.

One of the most disappointing things in life is reaching out towards a finish line that has disappeared. Everything that was once laid out crystal clear in front of you just evaporates, and you're left with trace elements of what your dreams used to be.

But the beautiful thing is that nothing in life happens on accident. That red ribbon finish line was not meant for you. It was meant for someone else. God works in weird and strange ways. He makes you work and work for something only to yank it out from underneath you. He's not hurting you. He's not being cynical or mean. Sometimes it is simply the journey that is important, not so much the goal at the end of the line. I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. I believe in karma and fate. And I know that whenever something happens in my life that seems awful or unfair, that it happened because the universe and the Lord wanted me to experience this failure or let down or disappointment.

I realize I have a strange religion. I am Catholic and Buddhist. But combining these two beautiful religions makes for a more colorful world. I am not bound to one set of rules, but two, accepting and dejecting practices and faiths as I go. I create my own faith, my own mantra to live by. I know the Lord will not get angry with me. He is my one true God, but Buddhism is the way I live my life. Buddhism is so intriguing to me. I feel that it's looked down upon, that only crazy people actually believe in it. But it's actually so peaceful and reassuring. It's all about connecting yourself with the world and the universe. It's about living in the present, and going with the flow of life. Not to say that I don't stand up for things. I am a very opinionated person. But whenever something happens that is out of my control, I've learned to just let it go. I like to tell my friends that I live a 'no-fucks-given' life. And it's actually amazing. Once you stop caring about the stupid stuff, the world seems to lighten and open up underneath you.

I still miss him. But I'm getting better everyday. One day at a time...