Here's what I've learned.
There never is enough time.
There's always something you wanted to say or do and never got the chance to.
You'll always want one more hug, one more kiss.
Monday, August 11, 2014
This is how we'll say goodbye...
From the
beginning, I knew this would break my heart, but there are some things that are
worth the pain and you were always one of them.
I’m going to miss your eyes, and the way they loved me. They truly loved me. Not for the sex, not because I was pretty, but because you appreciated me and my presence and you loved me. And I loved you too, Andrew. I meant forever. Maybe in another life I would stay here with you. Maybe you would stay, too, and we would buy a shitty apartment and live a long happy life together. But that’s not the hand I was dealt, and you know as much as I do that I need to get out of this life.
I apologize in advance for the tears and for the way I will knot my fingers into your hair. I’m sorry for putting off this goodbye until we don’t have enough time to say all the things that we wanted to say to each other, all of the things that we’ve practiced saying in our minds for months because we knew that this would happen eventually. I apologize for not wanting to have feelings right now. I apologize for telling you that it’s not goodbye just a see you later because we’re both grown up enough to know that when we say goodbye it will actually be permanent.
I’m sorry I’m still crying and I’m sorry that I will fill nights of crying when I think of you and saying goodbye to everyone and missing it so much, so fucking much.
I hope that even in old age or in darkness you’ll speak well of me, I hope it’s with a smile, the kind of smile that hides a little something at the corners, the kind of smile that people will ask you what are you smiling at? and you won’t be able to tell them. A memory. A beautiful memory. I’m sorry about the inappropriate laughter right before I leave because I can’t imagine handling this. Because I don’t know how to say goodbye to you.
I’m going to miss your eyes, and the way they loved me. They truly loved me. Not for the sex, not because I was pretty, but because you appreciated me and my presence and you loved me. And I loved you too, Andrew. I meant forever. Maybe in another life I would stay here with you. Maybe you would stay, too, and we would buy a shitty apartment and live a long happy life together. But that’s not the hand I was dealt, and you know as much as I do that I need to get out of this life.
I apologize in advance for the tears and for the way I will knot my fingers into your hair. I’m sorry for putting off this goodbye until we don’t have enough time to say all the things that we wanted to say to each other, all of the things that we’ve practiced saying in our minds for months because we knew that this would happen eventually. I apologize for not wanting to have feelings right now. I apologize for telling you that it’s not goodbye just a see you later because we’re both grown up enough to know that when we say goodbye it will actually be permanent.
I’m sorry I’m still crying and I’m sorry that I will fill nights of crying when I think of you and saying goodbye to everyone and missing it so much, so fucking much.
I hope that even in old age or in darkness you’ll speak well of me, I hope it’s with a smile, the kind of smile that hides a little something at the corners, the kind of smile that people will ask you what are you smiling at? and you won’t be able to tell them. A memory. A beautiful memory. I’m sorry about the inappropriate laughter right before I leave because I can’t imagine handling this. Because I don’t know how to say goodbye to you.
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